Wife and therapist

[abbynormal1929]

Hi everybody

I haven't been on in a while but a lot has come up. My wife has been doing emotionally abusive things towards me for some time now: gaslighting, sexual coersion... I could go on, but it's becoming more and more apparent that she needs me rather than loves me. I was... not happy, but content taking a job that she wanted me to that accommodated her and her daughters work and child care needs, then when I actually have to leave for the job she says that she misses me, that she never sees me, and exclaims that she doesn't want me to go even though she knows I don't have a choice. Today she even yelled at me and accused me of trying to leave early.

My therapist, whether she intends to or not, makes me feel like my issues are being minimized, and like she is trying to convince me to stay rather than being supportive. In her defense I have gone back and forth on this issue a couple of times in sessions. But I've always been the one in my life that gets their needs met last. Or not at all. Like I do everything I can to make others happy and comfortable, and still manage to get yelled at and stepped on. If I'm quiet, which I often am if my wife if yelling and I dissociate, I'm accused of bottling up my feelings and will someday explode. When I do so much as raise m voice a little she says I'm being mean for yelling at her. And sometimes she says how great I am. My therapist asked me if I said no to sex, I said I did the first night, but didn't the next cause I wanted to avoid further conflict and tension that leads to dicssociation (not because I wanted to), and my therapist seemed to emphasize that I didn't actually say no the second time so she couldn't have known I didn't want to. But the truth is I was afraid to say no. I already have a Dx of ptsd from childhood. When dhes in s good mood I get made fun of and told I'm overly sensitive and that she was kidding. Anyway, I want to leave, and no one seems to hear what I'm trying to say.

 

[Friday]

Anyway, I want to leave, and no one seems to hear what I'm trying to say.

If you want to leave it doesn't really matter what you or she says. Or who hears what, or not.

If you want to stay it matters. If you want to be talked out of leaving it matters. But if you want to leave? Even amicably, the time for talking is really over.

There will -especially if it's amicable- be a lot of talking, after you leave. Child custody. Spousal Support. Division of assets. Division of debts. But until you actually do leave? It's all speculation. You don't need permission or consent in order to leave. Your wife doesn't have to agree with your leaving. If she doesn't want to talk about it in advance? No one is hearing what you say? That's not a reason to keep trying to get someone to listen to you saying you want to go. If you want to go? You can.

 

[Nessa7]

It might be a good time to tell your therapist what you need her to do for you. It sounds like right now you need her to validate and support the decision to leave your wife. I would really hope that this is something that she will do for you, especially if there is no one else in your life that will take on that role. Her approach might have been helpful if you were wanting to stay in the relationship, and a lot of people do change their minds multiple times before they are able to leave an abusive partner.

 

[ladee]

Are you staying because its just easier,in the sense that you don't have to hear what your wife would say? That is not a reason to stay..
When you are thinking about leaving, what does that feel like for you.. what does leaving look like to you?

Only you can make that choice.. you don't need any ones permission, and I agree with speaking with your T and telling her what you need.... you will need support... you have it here, but it's not like real life support..

Let us know what happens....

 

[abbynormal1929]

In answer to a couple of the points raised: we have no shared assets, and I've never had legal custody of my stepdaughter, so there's no battle to be had there. The only thing we have together is that both our names are on our apartment, and there's a year left on the lease.

I'm not really looking for permission to leave, though part of me still thinks this is all in my head, and I'd really just be leaving her (no matter how many descriptions and signs of abuse I identify with). She's a victim of abuse herself from her parents and x husband. It's not an excuse to abuse someone else but it does make me feel for her. Sometimes I just need a reminder that I'm not crazy.