General Wife of PTSD

[Trist67]

my spouse has recently been diagnosed with PTSD, from something that happened 20 years ago. The diagnosis changed him overnight, and happened while I was working away (and still am) something we agreed on to put our family in a better situation. With only having communication he has completely become controlling of when and how we talk. If I am emotional or reaching out to him he will pause the conversation and if i keep speaking (usually over text) I have disrespected his boundary and he will literally turn the phone off and ignore me, demanding i acknowledge i disrespected his boundary. I understand setting boundaries when the conversation is heated, but when i am thousands of miles away and he gets mad if i say the wrong thing or something he doesnt like, and i do not pause at his immediate request i am ignored. Now mentioning working after his military contract is a "trigger" and he has no interest in working. our young son is with him and he refuses to allow him to come stay with me because my husband says it is not in our child's best interest (he would have to live in an apartment...). My kid knows something is up, weather it be sneaking the ipad to call me and tell me daddy doesnt want him to talk to me, or telling me that if i ask to speak to daddy, daddy has said he doesnt want to talk to me, to telling me he just wants to be with me so bad he would run all the way here in bare feet. it's killing me and if i leave my job, that i have worked so hard for and go home, my husband will be mad I am not working, or i stay here and watch him destroy or family and marriage. I asked him to let our son visit me and he literally said are you going to kid nap him... he said it was my tone. Like he is not thinking rationally and i believe he is disillusioned. When i brought up how bad is panic attacks are he got mad at me for calling them debilitating and said he could still care for our son. What if something happens, you cannot just snap out of a panic attack. He is pushing me away and has said having our son there is literally keeping him alive.. how is this not a red flag to to new mental health and health care providers? My son is not a therapy dog, he is a child. As he was only officially diagnosed within the last month, his treatment is new, and he told his doctor he doesnt want medication because he has had mental health issues in the past and was medicated. He keeps telling me he is healing, but all i can see is him taking everything out on me and pushing me away. We are in a long distance marriage and communication is key, i would have never gone away to work, had I known any of this was going to happen... and I still do not understand the drastic personality change when he has been living with it for 20 years. I dont think he sees the irreparable damage he is causing to our son, me and our family unit. i am always at fault and i always apologize - he is never wrong and not one to own up to something or take responsibility for his actions. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and I feel like I thought this was going to help him and all his anger and resentment is directed at me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

First of all he doesn’t get to deny you access to your child. He’s not in charge. You both have rights. That’s not acceptable at all.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d bet anything that he’s not really healing just yet.

Please protect your son. It’s alarming that your son is acting the way that he is.

Nobody can tell you the best course of action, but in 10 years would you look back and feel good about your decision to put money over the well being of your son? If you read around, you’ll find stories of survivors who were traumatized as a kid by an adult who had ptsd. Your son may grow to resent you as oftentimes this is what happens, we hate the one who didn’t protect us more than the one who actually abused us. Please do what you need to do to protect your son.

 

[Mytime]

I still do not understand the drastic personality change when he has been living with it for 20 years

Sounds like he symptomatic, but he’s still responsible for his behaviour. You need to set your own boundaries and if you feel your son is in harms way. Let your husband get mad if you come home to be with your son. Your son comes before him.

Also, welcome to the forum and just know your not alone. We understand your confusion.

 

[Friday]

Does your job let you take 2 days ...or one better, a week off... to go get eyes on the situation, itself?

Not all jobs have weekends, sick days, vacation, or family medical leave; but if yours does? it’s an entirely reasonable next step. You husband won’t communicate over the phone. He won’t send your son to you, whilst he gets himself sorted / and you have very real concerns about hit fitness as a parent due to his health issues AND his refusal to communicate with you.

It could be, you fly home... and everything is fine. The two of you talk it out. You go to a therapy appt with him where his therapist can (make him see reason is the wrong term, because no one can do that, but at least attempt to help him understand he can’t just hang up and block your calls, and refuse to let your child talk to you, because he’s stressed out and needs space. That, as a parent, he can’t act like a single person cutting off contact from anyone who annoys him. There has to be either AGREED upon access to your child, or there will be court orders outlining access. That the boundaries discussed in therapy are NOT giving him the right to deny access to your kid. Full stop.). Rough patch smoothed out, face to face.

Or? It could become apparent that -for at least right now- Legal separation & custody orders / parenting plan needs to be put in place... if the 2 of you can’t come to an agreement.

Or? That the agreement the 2 of you come to is somewhere in the middle of those 2 things (everything is fine -vs- separation & custody). Kiddo flys home with you, for at least a few months... or you quit your job abroad and come home, at least for a few months, etc.

But regardless of what happens next? Something clearly needs to. Because what’s happening now simply isn’t working.

 

[Trist67]

Does your job let you take 2 days ...or one better, a week off... to go get eyes on the situation, itself?
But regardless of what happens next? Something clearly needs to. Because what’s happening now simply isn’t working.

Thank you, I have reached out to find support through my work and military family services. I was not given the opportunity to speak to my son today, I tried calling and messaging his iPad and radio silence. My husband sent me an email today stating I am the one dragging my son in (this may be what his truth is right now, but it is not the truth.) He stated in the email I am only allowed to speak to my son when he is present so we don't have secret conversations. I feel he is becoming paranoid. I told him I could come home for a week later this month and he said he does not want to be reunited until we talk to a marriage counselor and I respect his boundaries. Which are stop immediately communicating with him when he decides the conversation is over, even if we are just having a normal conversation. The plan has been for months that he is going to get the house listed and they are going to move here. I don't even know if he has put in the paperwork.

I called and I am waiting for our marriage counselor appointment. I am terrified, I love with him with my whole soul and I truly believe he cannot see what he is doing, but it hurts more than anything I have ever felt. It is so confusing I got a card from him this week telling me i am his world and he is so proud of how strong i am for me and us, and he will love me always. Then it flips and it feels like he sees me as an enemy constantly attacking him. It makes my head spin. I never know what to expect one day to the next. I had to fill my boss in a little bit today because he sent me that email while I was at work and my boss said I went white like a ghost and wanted to know what was going on. Luckily I have an incredible boss, and when I told him he told me about one of his family members and their struggle with PTSD.

My priority is making sure my son is ok, and having better communication. I do not want to give up on him, I want him to know I love and support him, I want him to know that I have no idea what he is going through but his actions and lack of communication are hurting both my son and I.

 

[Trist67]

I’d bet anything that he’s not really healing just yet.

Please protect your son. It’s alarming that your son is acting the way that he is.

I have reached out to the military social worker in my area to find out the best recommended course of action for this situation, as it is I want to handle it in the best way possible. He is not physically abusive, but i do not believe he is in a place where he can properly care for our child in his current state.

Also, welcome to the forum and just know your not alone. We understand your confusion.

thank you, I feel like I am struggling to navigate this.

 

[Mytime]

It is a struggle, but we do understand what your going through and how painful it can be.

Do you have anyone who can check in on your son?

 

[Trist67]

First of all he doesn’t get to deny you access to your child. He’s not in charge. You both have rights. That’s not acceptable at all.

Thank you, I am working on it. It is the worst feeling in the world.
I am here working to help our family, as my husband has stated we cannot survive on one income. Being away under normal circumstances is hard enough and then this got thrown in the mix. I cannot understand how he believes keeping our child while he navigates this is what is best for our son.

Do you have anyone who can check in on your son?

no one in the area, without alarming my husband. As a military family we have only been in the current city 2 years, and are across the country from all our family. I have friends there but they would never drop in and he would be alarmed.
My son has told me he has been "melting down" at school because he misses me, when I asked my husband she said oh he is just having "little blue moments" I talked to him about it. Do you think it would it be appropriate for me to check in with his teacher to see if she has noticed anything. He has had her as a teacher in the past and knows his personality.

 

[Mytime]

Just because he has PTSD, doesn’t mean he gets to behave badly. He is still responsible for his behaviour.

I think you have every right to check in with his teacher. Your his mother and maybe his teacher can add some support for your son. It’s ok to keep things between you and the teacher.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does he realize he is hurting your son by not letting him talk to his mother?

And as far as his boundaries go... that is not how boundaries work. He can’t use them to control other people’s behavior.

 

[Trist67]

Does he realize he is hurting your son by not letting him talk to his mother?

And as far as his boundaries go... that is not how boundaries work. He can’t use them to control other people’s behavior.

I spoke with military social workers today. The have stated this behavior of parental alienation and control is child abuse.
They told me to tell my husband I would be coming home for a week and do it by text and I did, and he did not respond. So 5 hours later when I got to finally video my son tonight, my husband made sure he was in the room but my didnt want to speak to me, and my son was confused why. So when I said mommy is coming home for a visit and bam my husband hung up and turned off the ipad. This has all escalated quickly and the social workers said he is paranoid, disillusioned, controlling and irrational. Instead of focusing on his illness and getting better, he has hyper-focused on controlling and punishing me and creating issues within our marriage. They have told me although I want it to workout, I have to prepare myself for the worst. The social workers have given me a list of todo's and stated that I should not quit my job here, and I need to work with the military family resource centre to contact a child protection worker. They said I am doing all the right things, and they said it is clear I care for them both very much.