Wife of Retired NYPD 9/11 First Responder

[copswifenow]

I'm sorry you're going through all the accusations. Make sure you're taking care of yourself hon. When they're symptomatic it's easy to get on the crazy train with them and ride that sucker around and around. Don't get sucked in.

So true. Thanks for your words of wisdom. Sometimes it's easier said than done. Working on it though.

 

[IceQueencop]

As a now-retired, cop with PTSD, I can tell you, default reaction for just about every emotion is anger or irritability, and then control. As in, I’m scared there’s a gun in this car, “HANDS UP, DONT MOVE!!!”

From the perspective of a spouse with PTSD; he’s wonderful and normal, and why should he have to live with my demons. Why wouldn’t he find someone who can treat him like he deserves? Our goal tends to be to protect, and if you leave, he will have protected you from his demons. It’s f*d up thinking for sure, but that’s the “logic.” When he’s at his worst, try to imagine that what he’s really saying is, “stay back, stay away, get out of here!”

Trauma anniversaries are awful, and unpredictable. 9/11 was awful for all of us, and every news outlet has their own take on things and wants to do special programming...there are just so many reminders of loss the scope of the loss. Of course, none of that was his fault, but when you’re a Leo, everything is your fault. Pick up a drunk who dies, it’s your fault, don’t pick up the drunk who dies, it’s your fault. I would guess there was also a personal loss or at least a sense of personal loss for your husband. I’m sorry for what you’re both going through.

My husband tells me that I always sound irritated when I answer the phone. I try to be aware and mindful and act less irritated, but it takes longer for my brain to switch gears now, and that’s really hard to accept.

Best wishes to you and your hubby.
IQC

 

[void]

@copswifenow

Do you know why you stay?

 

[Freida]

9/11 was a different kind of nightmare for people in emergency services and I don't think there was anyone in the Industry who wasn't affected some how. And for us it wasn't just the terrorist attack. It was also the blame game over who was at fault for the deaths of the responders. it's hard to explain to civilians but when someone dies in the line of duty the ripples are huge and it usually ends with the after action report that points out who screwed up and who should have done things differently.

The 9/11 report is massive and it's heart breaking. So many things went so horribly wrong for the responders at every level -- from 911 thru to the fire and police chiefs. If he was there, in the front lines it's a double whammy ....they couldn't save citizens and they couldn't save their own

This is NO excuse for him being an asshole. If he is amping up already he needs to get his ass into therapy more days a week. Sadly there is little you can do to help....other than not engaging with him. Yes..You may be the safe place to blow up at.... But he has no right to make you his personal pinata

 

[copswifenow]

As a now-retired, cop with PTSD, I can tell you, default reaction for just about every emotion is anger or irritability, and then control. As in, I’m scared there’s a gun in this car, “HANDS UP, DONT MOVE!!!”

From the perspective of a spouse with PTSD; he’s wonderful and normal, and why should he have to live with my demons. Why wouldn’t he find someone who can treat him like he deserves? Our goal tends to be to protect, and if you leave, he will have protected you from his demons. It’s f*d up thinking for sure, but that’s the “logic.” When he’s at his worst, try to imagine that what he’s really saying is, “stay back, stay away, get out of here!”

Trauma anniversaries are awful, and unpredictable. 9/11 was awful for all of us, and every news outlet has their own take on things and wants to do special programming...there are just so many reminders of loss the scope of the loss. Of course, none of that was his fault, but when you’re a Leo, everything is your fault. Pick up a drunk who dies, it’s your fault, don’t pick up the drunk who dies, it’s your fault. I would guess there was also a personal loss or at least a sense of personal loss for your husband. I’m sorry for what you’re both going through.

My husband tells me that I always sound irritated when I answer the phone. I try to be aware and mindful and act less irritated, but it takes longer for my brain to switch gears now, and that’s really hard to accept.

Best wishes to you and your hubby.
IQC

Thanks for the insight. Is that one of the reasons why he will always think and say that everything else comes before him and that he is second fiddle?

 

[copswifenow]

@copswifenow

Do you know why you stay?

I married for in sickness and in health. Unfortunately, PTSD is something that is not seen. Would you leave someone because they had cancer, MS, Parkinsons, a stroke and is now paralyzed, has dementia or alzheimers? Why should PTSD be any different? It's a horrible thing for the person who has it and the family members.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Mental illness is a whole different ball game than cancer or MS. Sometimes people aren't healthy enough to function in a marriage. Being a martyr isn't going to make the situation better. Love doesn't always fix everything.

It sounds horrible. I love my vet with every fiber of my being, and I would never leave him because he has PTSD... but if our relationship wasn't healthy, and it was toxic for both of us, then I wouldn't be doing him or his mental health any favors by staying. I'd in fact be making things worse.

It's not romantic, it's logical.

 

[Freida]

I agree with @Sweetpea76 I know I can be a handful because of my ptsd. I can also be a handful because of my fibro. One is mental, the other physical. Hubby stays because he loves me. But if I were to become so bad that I was a danger to his mental health? He has every right to leave - no matter the reason

 

[IceQueencop]

Thanks for the insight. Is that one of the reasons why he will always think and say that everything else comes before him and that he is second fiddle?

It might be, self-esteem and weird thinking (cognitive distortion) are definitely part of PTSD. Taking time for yourself is not valued, not in this society and not in law enforcement. Think about things that are bragged about...working 24 hours straight on 2 hours of sleep? Work ethic and taking one for the team usually come before self-care.

Changing that thinking is tough.

Hold on to the reasons that you stay. They are your reasons and they are important. But your well-being is also. Secondary PTSD is a thing, make sure you are taking care of you.

Best, IQC

 

[copswifenow]

Lashing out seems to be a fairly common reaction to stress. My partner has combat PTSD, and he tends to lash out verbally as well. I've learned not to engage or indulge. You'll make yourself nuts if you try to defend yourself when they're being irrational. It seems the quickest way to nip it in the bud is to set that boundary ... "I love you, but I won't be spoken to like this. I'll be more than happy to talk when you've calmed down." Then exit the situation. Every time.

Trying to reason or argue is like throwing gasoline on a fire. You know his accusations are baseless... he probably does too deep down. If he wants to beat that dead horse he can beat it in a room by himself. It's not worth your sanity as well.

It's so hard not to engage

Mental illness is a whole different ball game than cancer or MS. Sometimes people aren't healthy enough to function in a marriage. Being a martyr isn't going to make the situation better. Love doesn't always fix everything.

It sounds horrible. I love my vet with every fiber of my being, and I would never leave him because he has PTSD... but if our relationship wasn't healthy, and it was toxic for both of us, then I wouldn't be doing him or his mental health any favors by staying. I'd in fact be making things worse.

It's not romantic, it's logical.

I can see what you're saying that mental illness is a whole different ball game. I love my husband with my whole heart and when the PTSD isn't taking him over we have a great healthy, fun relationship. It's this time of year with the anniversary approaching or a trigger occurring, that's when he turns into a totally different person. I know each situation is different, but how would you know if it's better to stay or to go?

 

[Sweetpea76]

You'd know. It'd be too horrible to stay. Everybody has their own breaking point.

When there is way more toxic than good.

 

[void]

@copswifenow

The solemnity of your vows and the depth of your love do not change the fact that you are in a domestic abuse cycle and that the way he is treating you is not justifiable.

Would you feel justified treating someone else the way he is treating you? Of course not!

The reason for my question was to encourage you to see the deep underlying reasons of why you are willing to accept being treated this way.

How did you Father treat you?
How did you Father treat your Mother?

Almost all of us unintentionally re-create the psychological dynamics/conflicts of our childhood in our marriages. Look for the source. What was it about your life the trained you to accept this? You don't deserve to be abused.

It is ok to refuse to be abused.

:)