Hello all.
I've visited this forum a few times over the years, and am changing from forum 'lurker' to member. Thought I would give a summary of my journey and situation, as the spouse of a cPTSD sufferer-survivor.
My husband (together over 15 years) has complex-PTSD, originating from a terrible, terrible childhood. The full-blown cPTSD finally broke out fully, like a coiled spring that has been wound tighter and tighter over the years, following a very bad experience of bullying at his work, a few years ago. These years have been very, very hard, but I think we are now starting to heal a bit more.
He is incredibly pro-active and committed to healing as best he can, including regular therapy for several years (ongoing) with a psychologist. It's been complicated in a couple of ways: in the first few months it all fell apart, one of his best friends (a family member - shame on them, I wish I'd seen them for who they are earlier) betrayed him badly, and then a couple of years later another close male friend turned nasty, in a workplace environment too, which brought everything crashing down again. Also complicated by an inadequate psychiatrist who prescribed a medication that has done serious damage. Luckily we found a second psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD, who has been wonderful, letting us know that that medication he'd been on for 4 years actually makes many PTSD symptoms worse... ugh! So my husband is going medication-free: he almost lost his life during the medication withdrawals a year ago, and still suffers side effects from them/that now.
We also have a young child together - which has been an incredibly rough journey for him during what I think (hope?) was the crisis/peak of the cPTSD. Parenting is hard, full stop, let alone when also fighting a psychiatric injury like PTSD. He often regrets/resents the time, energy and control it takes to be a good parent. But the reality is he's a great father. Sure, he's sometimes snappy or moody, has unrealistic expectations, doesn't enjoy many of the requirements of parenting. But he loves kiddo, kiddo loves him, and though they do sometimes clash (usually some version of him saying "don't do that!" or "Stop that!), they also make each other laugh, learn and do things at home together, and are very loving towards each other. Kiddo says "he's the loveliest dad ever" without prompting.
I am so proud of my husband. So proud of the fight he makes, even though I know he's beyond exhausted, never expected to live this long, and often wishes he hadn't. I know that's the pain, and the depression... but knowing the root of that wish doesn't mean it's not true for him right here and now. I think who he is, dark sides and all, is amazing... he has such wisdom, insight, and kindness... when the cPTSD isn't holding full sway.
He's not able to work, not able to socialise pretty much at all, has difficulty leaving the house, has terrible self esteem, and is exhausted from the constant battle with anger, anxiety and depression. It's been pretty tough on our marriage: but I think we are going to be OK. I'm pretty sure. Most of the time :) We are a pretty good team, even though he thinks I could and should 'do better', feels ashamed and depressed that he can't give me what I want/what he thinks I want, and sometimes resents me for having some hopes and wishes that he can't fulfill. I can understand that, even if it frustrates me sometimes! And I do recognize that his cPTSD does limit some of the things I would have liked to have done, given that I choose to be with him for the long haul.
I have to admit though.. I am very tired. I am exhausted too. I think we are past the worst of it: many demons have emerged, both his and my own, and we are working to fix them, or be at peace with them. I think we are beyond the life-threatening stages, and while he often wishes he could just "not be", I think he's also getting shirty about what's not working for him and what's wrong with his life that he wants to be different - which I see as a part of him finding a way to actually live, not just be alive.
I'm not quite sure if my hope is wishful thinking. Sometimes I worry it's going to be this hard for the rest of my life. I know he has that worry. And that is a scary, scary thought.
I've visited this forum a few times over the years, and am changing from forum 'lurker' to member. Thought I would give a summary of my journey and situation, as the spouse of a cPTSD sufferer-survivor.
My husband (together over 15 years) has complex-PTSD, originating from a terrible, terrible childhood. The full-blown cPTSD finally broke out fully, like a coiled spring that has been wound tighter and tighter over the years, following a very bad experience of bullying at his work, a few years ago. These years have been very, very hard, but I think we are now starting to heal a bit more.
He is incredibly pro-active and committed to healing as best he can, including regular therapy for several years (ongoing) with a psychologist. It's been complicated in a couple of ways: in the first few months it all fell apart, one of his best friends (a family member - shame on them, I wish I'd seen them for who they are earlier) betrayed him badly, and then a couple of years later another close male friend turned nasty, in a workplace environment too, which brought everything crashing down again. Also complicated by an inadequate psychiatrist who prescribed a medication that has done serious damage. Luckily we found a second psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD, who has been wonderful, letting us know that that medication he'd been on for 4 years actually makes many PTSD symptoms worse... ugh! So my husband is going medication-free: he almost lost his life during the medication withdrawals a year ago, and still suffers side effects from them/that now.
We also have a young child together - which has been an incredibly rough journey for him during what I think (hope?) was the crisis/peak of the cPTSD. Parenting is hard, full stop, let alone when also fighting a psychiatric injury like PTSD. He often regrets/resents the time, energy and control it takes to be a good parent. But the reality is he's a great father. Sure, he's sometimes snappy or moody, has unrealistic expectations, doesn't enjoy many of the requirements of parenting. But he loves kiddo, kiddo loves him, and though they do sometimes clash (usually some version of him saying "don't do that!" or "Stop that!), they also make each other laugh, learn and do things at home together, and are very loving towards each other. Kiddo says "he's the loveliest dad ever" without prompting.
I am so proud of my husband. So proud of the fight he makes, even though I know he's beyond exhausted, never expected to live this long, and often wishes he hadn't. I know that's the pain, and the depression... but knowing the root of that wish doesn't mean it's not true for him right here and now. I think who he is, dark sides and all, is amazing... he has such wisdom, insight, and kindness... when the cPTSD isn't holding full sway.
He's not able to work, not able to socialise pretty much at all, has difficulty leaving the house, has terrible self esteem, and is exhausted from the constant battle with anger, anxiety and depression. It's been pretty tough on our marriage: but I think we are going to be OK. I'm pretty sure. Most of the time :) We are a pretty good team, even though he thinks I could and should 'do better', feels ashamed and depressed that he can't give me what I want/what he thinks I want, and sometimes resents me for having some hopes and wishes that he can't fulfill. I can understand that, even if it frustrates me sometimes! And I do recognize that his cPTSD does limit some of the things I would have liked to have done, given that I choose to be with him for the long haul.
I have to admit though.. I am very tired. I am exhausted too. I think we are past the worst of it: many demons have emerged, both his and my own, and we are working to fix them, or be at peace with them. I think we are beyond the life-threatening stages, and while he often wishes he could just "not be", I think he's also getting shirty about what's not working for him and what's wrong with his life that he wants to be different - which I see as a part of him finding a way to actually live, not just be alive.
I'm not quite sure if my hope is wishful thinking. Sometimes I worry it's going to be this hard for the rest of my life. I know he has that worry. And that is a scary, scary thought.
