Relationship Wife Wants To Get Divorced

[Unknown Person]

Hi all,

I just got off the phone with my wife and I have to talk to someone about this. My wife of 4 years and partner of 8 years has PTSD and has been struggling with it along with depression and anxiety. I've posted a few times on this forum about difficult times that I have been through, but this is a bit different.

To keep things short, I took a job that required a temporary stay out of the country for 4 months. At the time it seemed really doable and that things might work out fine. It has been really tough on my wife as she nows needs to take care of our nearly 3 year old daughter and our local business and retail store that we own and run. I have flown back once for a week to visit with the family and will be doing again so before the week is over, for another full week.

I know that my wife has been extremely unhappy as of late, especially with the store being such a huge responsibility. Looking back, it was a pretty bad idea to start the store, and even more relevant, a bad idea to come move out of country for a job - even if only temporary. My wife has brought up divorce and separation before on several occasions but nothing ever came out of it. Now that I'm away and she's been having a lot of time on her own, she's now revisiting that.

We just talked on the phone after a difficult week of talking about stuff and figuring out our relationship but this time we basically decided that we are separating. I told her that it's not at all what I want but she only gave me an alternative of her "giving up", which usually means something along the lines of... ending her life. And I don't want that.

She says that she knows that I make her very unhappy and and she has been unhappy for a very long time. She tells me that she has been thinking about separation and divorce for probably 6 - 12 months now. She says that I always say that things are going to get better and that I will do all these things and never follow through on them - and she's right. I've tried so hard to make her happy and not make promises on things or promise her that I will make everything better, but I do. I would like to think that I can change, and I feel that I can change, so I tell her that I can change and that I will change but, guess what, I don't change. Because I guess I am who I currently am and some part of me makes empty promises.

My wife says that she thinks that this is the only chance that she might have of being happier. And I want her to be happier. And I don't want her dead. I don't really know what I can possibly do to change her mind now and I don't know that I want to. I love her so much but it absolutely kills me that she thinks that I am the cause of all of her current unhappiness.

I don't want to call it quits and, more importantly, I don't want our daughter to suffer because of this. But I know that she will suffer when we are together and my wife is unhappy or when we are apart and things don't make sense.

I need someone to help me think through this. I don't know what to do. Any and all help, advice, or whatever you can offer is massively appreciated.

-U

 

[arfie]

I have had quite a few extended periods during my own PTSD recovery (childhood sexual abuse) where I thought divorce was my only chance at happiness. Well... There is a HUGE part of me that can't believe I got married in the first place. I have been married for 33 years, but have have needed several periods of living separately. The harder my husband fights the need, the more attractive divorce looks. What helped me hold on was when my husband backed off and simply asked me to give it some time. With the extra time, I worked through my PTSD issues far enough to keep going and he learned how to listen. I am still not winning Suzie Homemaker awards, but I am glad he is still in my life.

Sorry for your heartache. Hope you find your way through it.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

So sorry :( I agree with Arfie.

I hope you will get some counseling for yourself and not just put it all into work. This is some tough stuff! My heart goes out to your family. Welcome back to the forum.

 

[Em C.]

First off, my condolences this really sucks.

Second off not to sound harsh but do you think your wife is maybe guilt-tripping you with the whole killing herself thing? I have PTSD and loads of other crap and I know people who have personally guilted me into doing things using the "do this or I'll kill myself bit." It's really horrible and I totally feel for your wife too, but maybe it is a possibility?

I don't know about your job situation but maybe moving back would help?

 

[Barconian]

I am just clarifying here :) Your wife of many years has PTSD, You two have a three year old child, You have a retail business to run and you need to go overseas to make some extra money!

@Unknown Person, You are talking high pressure stuff! I feel you man'

No wonder your lady love wants to leave! The store is stressful, these are hard times for businesses at the moment! You waddle off overseas to work your ass off to make that extra bit to keep life afloat and a 3 year old daughter who would love to have all of your attention most of the time :) And your darling wife has PTSD and the pressure is too great for her at the moment... I don't believe any one is to blame other than the stressful events that put you where you are right now!

My question is.. Is there anything materialistically that you can remove or change to be able to lighten the stress your wife has and less responsibilities? It sounds to me that your beautiful wife is scared and is telling you how scared she is by threatening to commit euthanasia apon herself. Can you reassure your wife that she will be as safe as you can help her feel? Do you need to go back overseas? You are putting too much load on towards her and it's too much :)

Good luck my friend... It is doable!

 

[Never Give Up]

Wow. I have a wife who may have P.T.S.D. and will not seek help. She also feels divorce would remedy her happiness, and she thinks that everyone would be better. I can tell you that in a divorce....everyone is affected. I had divorce papers served to me 2 weeks ago. My wife had taken a different approach with me when I told her that I had something better lined up. I had been referring to less stress, going back to college and better quality of life. She assumed I had a lady on the side. She immediately called off the divorce, however she has a lot of anger against me and now I feel like she is tormenting me.

I would encourage you to persevere through the difficult times. You owe it to yourself and daughter. Are you able to get help at the store while you are out of the country. Your situation seems complex and leaving your life for extended periods of time may not help build your marriage. She needs you more than maybe money.

 

[Unknown Person]

Hey all,

Thanks a ton for all of the support and helpful words. We have made a decision together. We have decided to separate. I have made it very clear that this is not really what I want at all but I am going to be supportive and will be right here no matter what. Talks about divorce have not been brought back up again, but we talked a lot and this is the decision we made. The details around it are still a bit dicey but I am currently at home for 7 days to be with my family and figure things out.

The main deciding factor in all of this are the following (and I will try to go into some amount of detail in a sec): 1) She desperately needs to feel freedom, 2) She really never imagined being married and realized that it's going against some of her values/vision of her life, 3) She needs connection while I'm gone as I'm far away and generally too busy to even talk, 4) She wants to still be friends, 5) Needs to do something for herself - for once.

She has been basically a stay-at-home mother for the past 3 years and that lifestyle is nearly 100% against what she believes in or would ever want. This is something that I knew but we were working towards allowing her to finish her schooling and doing more than just raising our daughter. I always told her that I would love being a stay-at-home dad, and that is the truth. My work has taken off and provided more money and stability than anything than she has been able to do so far. This really touches on a lot of things that I realize. Her entire life has been a push towards independence for the reason of survival - and, by being with me and by being married, that all gets ripped away. She essentially realizes more than anything that she never wanted to get married but allowed herself to believe that maybe it was a good thing. I do try to tell her that it still is a good thing and that we can build a happier life together - but as she sees it, that's just too many promises broken. Every step forward we have been making seems like it creates more and more unhappiness. Ever since we got married, her decisions have been a push towards the family and keeping everyone happy and making a safe life for me and our daughter, but she is realizing that it's ripping apart the person she was and really wants to be.

I knew that going away would be an eyeopener to our relationship, but I wasn't really sure which direction it would be opening eyes. I have general felt very unappreciated, unloved, and uncared for in general. I bring this up at times but I make an effort never to complain about it. I also understand that this is partially a product of PTSD but very possibly a part of my lacking - though I don't tend to believe that I don't pull my weight, or help, or lack in the loving department. Unfortunately, the hope that this would open her eyes to everything that I really do for us and our family has gone the other way - just reinforced her unhappiness with her situation.

I think I'm really realizing that this really isn't the life that she wants. And that doesn't mean that we can't work out down the road, or after she's had some freedom to clear her mind, but god knows that I can not and am trying not to bank on that. We have made plans moving forward that will hopefully allow her to create a happier life for herself. First, starting with the most stressful - we are selling the store. Really, we trying to offload it quickly. It is a concept in it's infancy and really is creating a money pit more than anything else - and that comes a lot from poor preparation and funding - but it needs to go. It needs to go now. Second, when I get back in April, I will be our daughter's primary caretaker, not my wife - this is really what I want, and will grant my wife more freedom. Third, we are going to stay friends, chances are that we will start by living together to save money (at least until we can definitely sell the store) and if any living arrangements are to change, they will definitely not happen until after I get back. This is all, of course, on top of our separation.

The predicament with me being away is that I need to be away for the opportunity more than for the money and if I back out now, that will ruin this little bit of hope that we can hold on to. Long story short, being early-employee, playing a prominent part in a small, promising, exponentially growing tech company and being apart of multi-million dollar current valuations with foreseeable growing valuation and with a good possibility of a decently sized exit - requires follow-through to reap the rewards. In hindsight, it was a bad decision and we never should have started the store. That would, at least, put us in a better position. Now, when things roll around in April, we will hopefully be in a better position. My wife already made it clear that she was incredibly unhappy before I left and me being away mostly made her more productive and, if anything, feel happier or at least a bit of clarity.

Now I'm just rambling. I'm confused, I'm scared, and I'm trying to help my wife build a happier life - with or without me. I want her to be safe and I want her to still be my best friend. I am a strong individual that is trying to grant my wife strength. None of us wants this. And I have no idea if this is a remotely good idea or if it will help in the slightest. My wife is scared, and hopefully any amount of freedom will help. I can only pray to god that we can sell the store quickly enough and that we can prevent ourselves from defaulting.

My daughter is my priority now. My wife is a very close second, if not tied for top. I need to make myself a priority as well. But I'm so insanely scared, everyone.

- U

 

[Barconian]

Are you going to stay home?

 

[Unknown Person]

@Barconian, no. I went back to work. I stayed out 3 months and made it to our company's goal and left a bit earlier while the rest of the people I work with stay out of country. I will be working remotely from here until they get back.

I just got back on the 1st and we have been figuring things out since I've gotten back. We are still maintaining our path of separation and she has been seeing other people. We, just yesterday, made plans for her to find another place to live and to find a job for her. We are still in the process of trying to sell off our businesses, recoup our debt, and move on from that. Additionally, she has agreed to start seeing a psychologist, is planning on starting back with dancing, and is planning on being more active (as she was when I was out of country before she got sick with strep).

I just wanted to update everyone. My heart is heavy and I'm feeling lonely and lost.

I just hope things work out.

- U