Will I Be Alone In Crowds Forever?

[LostinSpaceGirl]

Even on this message board, I feel like I don't belong - I am an outsider looking in - suffocating in my own skin.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I was a little scared when I first started posting. A lot scared actually. I kept posting and got to know others on the board. It is the one place that I do feel I belong. I can see that many others have the same symptoms even though they don't have the same traumas. I used to think I was alone in the world. Now I know there are folks like me, who are trying to be the best they can be, here on this board. Sometimes I'm feeling good, sometimes suicidal, but I feel like I fit in. (((Hugs)))

 

[LostinSpaceGirl]

Thanks Monster. (That sounds so funny together - you are so no a monster!):)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Its from a Skillet song - I feel like a monster. It talks about keeping the monster inside locked up. That's how I feel. I'm an RN, and am triggered at work so I keep my PTSD locked up when at work. Its a Christian band and I'm Buddhist, but I like their songs.

 

[maddog]

It took me a long long time to feel comfortable here too, or as though I belonged at all. Many of the paranoias and anxieties I would feel mirror those I feel in everyday social situations - mindreading about what I presumed others were thinking of me, trying to 2nd guess the responses to anything I intended to say, worrying others were laughing at and ridiculing me, feeling as though everything I said was dumb and inappropriate...

As of yesterday, I've been a forum member for a year. Only time, and careful steps forward, and the experience of validation, turned that situation around for me, to one where I now mostly do feel comfortable contributing here, albeit with characteristic returns to paranoia at times. I'm sure the same will be true for you too. Just take it at your own pace, join in as and when you feel like it, and try not to judge what you think others are thinking.

And welcome, by the way!

MD

 

[Shellbell]

Hi LostinSpaceGirl,

I know what you mean. It takes time to find your feet in a forum like this. I think knowing others have had similar experiences makes me feel a little more comfortable. I've had to stop using facebook though, I know feel a complete outsider on there and I'm so aware now that out of the 150+ friends I have on there - that very few are really my friends and have my best interests at heart.

But also, I feel like I'm on my own in a room full of people I know. I get that feeling like I'm not really present. I can feel alone sometimes sat with 3 good friends talking. It's weird.

I think having PTSD makes me feel different, so I don't belong anymore. Maybe it's because I'm still trying to come to terms with having a psychiatric illness. I don't really know. It's something I need to work on.

I hope you do find this forum helpful and can feel like you belong here with time.

 

[LostinSpaceGirl]

Thanks Maddog and Shellbell. I appreciate you sharing with me. It does get pretty lonely being in my head so much. It is helpful knowing others can understand the feeling. I hate facebook and have an account that I take off and put back on several times a year. I think I like to torture myself with it.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes I know exactly what you mean about facebook. I think I've tortured myself with it for the last year, and it was only very recently that I finally decided to not use it at all. And for the first times in years - I actually don't miss it.

It is lonely being in our heads. I also have issues with trust. I read a saying that sums up the trust issue clearly. 'What is more lonely than distrust'. It is something for us all to work on.

 

[piratelady]

I often feel like an outsider both in my real life and on the forum. Out here locally I feel like everyone can see what is wrong with me. One time I kind of dissociated and didn't realize someone was asking me a question until my friend got my attention. That was really embarrassing and I haven't been back out since. I'm working on getting back out there though.

On the forum, I imagine is just takes time. Sometimes I re-read something I posted and it was totally off base. I completely misunderstood what was originally posted or it just plumdale didn't fit in. The nice thing though is it never feels like there are people out there keeping score. I can post somewhere else and feel very much like I belong. That's the beauty of this place! Just take time, read things, post when you want and it will get easier.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just remember to breathe and take your time, and do not do anything unless you feel safe to do so. Lots of people have been there and understand without judging or condemning. You will find it a home of sorts. Someone is always here so you are not alone.

As a side note, I will never have a face book account. Too much crazymaking and high drama for me. I do just fine without it. Just take your time. You will be ok. Everything will turn out ok.

 

[anthony]

Even on this message board, I feel like I don't belong - I am an outsider looking in - suffocating in my own skin.

If you're messed up in the head... then you'll fit right in here actually. Join the crazy I say. :coffee:

 

[LostinSpaceGirl]

If you're messed up in the head... then you'll fit right in here actually. Join the crazy I say. :coffee:

Well then, I guess it can be our own kind of wonderland.