I used to think like this, now I ask how do I turn it off :confused:. I think for me what changed me from empty, numb and afraid to cry in therapy or anywhere was self acceptance and learning to trust my therapist, and controlling my fears of what I believed would happen if I cried. I believed so many false beliefs about what would happen if I cried. I believed I would be unsafe, rejected, ridiculed, look stupid, be out of control, unable to stop once I started, and I would dissociate and panic the second I would get the hint of a tear, feeling teary etc.
I learnt to cry in private, that took about a year before I had stopped numbing long enough to feel sad without panicking because I was so afraid of emotion, and not being able to switch it off. I had a lot of reasons for learning as a child not to cry, the usual threats of "I'll give you something to really cry about" or "get that look off your face," from a young toddler I learnt don't cry if you don't want another belting, or a bigger belting once she got me alone.
Be careful what you wish for though, when it all started coming out I had to learn how to start regulating it, these days I cry most weeks in therapy, a sad song or story on the radio can make me a soggy mess driving to work. I am still working on regulating it better, I guess I had a lot crying to get out.
