Will I Ever Feel Safe?

[trapped]

I'm starting to think I may never feel safe. Last week, I was watching one of my favorite tv shows. Something in the show triggered a bad flashback, I've been afraid of turning on the tv ever since... I'm currently in a residential center for eating disorders, if I'm ever going to feel safe anywhere, I'd think I'd feel safest here.

But I don't feel safe... especially not after today... there's been a lot of good things, and overall the program has been okay I guess. There's also been a lot of bad things (like the director of the program raising his voice and yelling at me, which he's done a few times).

Tomorrow there's this fancy chef coming... I hate mixing foods together, I hate processed foods, I'm a very picky eater... but now, I've been doing a bit better with all of that AND I've been able to challenge myself more, and plan reasonable challenges for this coming week- but that didn't include this chef coming and making some casserole or whatever that I'll be forced to eat.

I'd be okay just cooking with him and doing that part as long as I didn't have to eat it... but there is this new girl that just came in to the program a few days ago, and I'm over half way thru the program. And tonight I tried talking to the director about how stressful this chef thing is (ESPECIALLY cuz it was sprung on us last minute) and he gave me a speech about how the new girl can do it, how she's fine with mixing things and she eats a lot more food options than I do and isn't as health-conscious as I am, and therefore if she can do it I just need to "get over it" and he told me I had no right, no reason, and no excuse at all to be anxious.

Which really ticked me off... that's like him saying that I have no right to have flashbacks cuz this new girl doesn't. He's even been giving me a hard time that I'm still afraid to watch things on tv, because it was over a week ago that the tv triggered a flashback.

And this has all just got me thinking... and wondering if I will ever "get over it" and be okay with the flashbacks and the anxiety and everything else. I'm scared it's not worth trying because I'm scared that even if I try my hardest (which I HAVE been) then it's not good enough (which so far it HASN'T been).

 

[Deleted member 541]

A couple of things jumped out at me while reading your post, so I thought I would comment and ask questions.....

You hate mixing food, you hate processed food, and you'd be ok cooking it, but not eating it......... You have an eating disorder, so are these statements really *true* statements or are they the eating disorder just talking??? I ask, because I too had an eating disorder, I was anorexic/bulimic and could come up with excuses/reasons why I couldn't eat too.....

Being triggered sucks, and yet we all know that being triggered is something that we can't hide from. It's basically part of life for us, and part of our healing.....Unless you can turn on the TV again, you will avoid this too, to the point that you may never be able to watch TV again.

I'm not sure how far along you are in your healing process, but yes, things do get better.........It takes time, and patience.....

 

[a3a2]

Trapped,

I disagree with you that being in this particular setting that you ought to be feeling especially safe. It seems to me that you are far more likely to be feeling vulnerable. That being said, I don't think it should always be our quest to feel safe. Sometimes you have to stretch your limits in order to heal so you can feel safe.

I wish you the best as you continue on your journey towards healing. It has a lot of hills and valleys....seems to me the further you go along the path, the shallower the valleys. At least that is my experience.

 

[darkskies]

Avoiding the tv may work short time but by not watching are u still worried about it anyway? maybe u cud try a different programe for 2 minutes and see whether u react or not then build up the time as you get less worried about being triggered perhaps. Sounds like you've got lots to cope with. i've got a similar problem with opening my windows especially at night. i read in the local paper someone had been raped by someone climbing through their window and it triggered me to remember my incident assult (not rape). Now i'm too scared to have the window open at night incase my attacker or someones else comes and hurts me. i've not opened my window for two weeks now and its getting quite warm, maybe i'll have to take my own advise and open it for a couple of minutes eh! scares the shit out of me thou! i cant talk for anyone else but foe me avoidance works short term but not long term as i just miss out on things and reduce what things i can do but confronting things in tiny little steps works. see what little steps you can do and i'll do the same, all the best, j

 

[sigh]

trapped--

If I could, I would give you a hug. And you would hug me and we would be like twins. And we would go through the world and it would seem less aggressive, less angry. We would be safe because we would have each other.

She Cat is right. :poke: It is the ED talking. Remember, what ingredients you put into the casserole are the same as when it comes out of the oven. They are the same! Peas, cheese, cauliflower don't change if they are cooked together. They are just uglier! Mixing food is an achievement. DO NOT compare yourself to NEW GIRL. She obviously has different problems. Maybe this is her fourth time through the program. Who knows. Remember--ED's are about control. But it's a false control. You still have control when you cook with this chef. You can make letters with your peas in your casserole dish. Have fun with it.:thumbs-up They are there to help, not to get you. You are strong just to withstand the treatment.
:Hug_emoticon:

s.

 

[trapped]

thanks everyone. the cooking thing sorta was interesting, sorta not... i wanted to do crepes, which are a HUGE challenge for me, but still something... my second choice would have been jalapeno bread. The new girl can't eat jalapeno bread, because she doesn't like spicy things, so we made zucchini bread, which I don't particularly care for, but I had never seen it made with nuts... the chef put everything in so fast, that I didn't get a chance to say anything, but he used walnuts... I have a mild allergy to walnuts and pecans- oddly enough no other allergies to other nuts, but to those two I do... not like the kind that will kill me (tho the doctor has told me I should still stay away from all nuts, but especially the two I'm allergic to- but I do eat other nuts). My mouth just itches and breaks out in sores, and it's gotten worse each time I eat the nuts, which I haven't had in a long time, except for the last time I ate something that had pecans in it (I didn't know it had those in there) and my tongue swelled up and I had to go to the ER... I should be okay with the walnuts and just be suffering with the itchy rash in my mouth (I think... or hope that's the worst anyway), but I guess I'll find out cuz sometime this week I'll have to eat it (even tho they knew about the allergy before I came in even, they're still gonna make me eat it cuz I'm not "deathly allergic" yet)... I tried to compromise, tell them I'd eat nearly anything else, or we could make it again without the walnuts with no nuts or with almonds instead (though I'd prefer no nuts), I offered to eat things that are a MILLION times scarier (like chocolate crossaints even!) but they wouldn't negotiate or compromise at all....

And now I'm really not doing so great, the people here keep watching all these movies with gunshot scenes, and it's putting me in a bad place hearing it, even tho I'm in a different room...