Will I Ever Succeed In A Relationship?

[71nothing]

So I've been in this wonderful relationship for six months and here are the issues I've come across. I am thinking I screw everything up.

1. I'm quick to build a wall to protect myself anytime I suspect she's upset with me or has changed her mind about me.

2. I suspect she's upset or changed her mind about me on a daily basis.

I don't do this on purpose and I'm fortunate she's so understanding but how long will she put up with it. Plus I have a hard time putti her through it because she deserves so much better than me.

How do I fix this?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

CBT?

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I think that recognizing it is a big first step. I'm sure others will come along with good advice, you will find better ways. :tup:

 

[Pinkmoon1]

I'm on the other side of a similar relationship. I believe you will succeed just by what you've said already.

 

[Saria]

I don’t know if it helps at all, but you’re not alone in experiencing those feelings. I don’t have an answer to how you can fix it, but as Junebug also said, I too believe that recognition and acceptance is the first step, and a very important one.

I can only speak for myself, but one thing that has been helpful for me and my boyfriend who struggle with similar issues is reading about schema therapy (e. g. Young & Klosko’s book about schema therapy). By recognizing patterns in my reactions and getting a better understanding of why certain feelings get triggered, I think it might be easier for both parts to see and accept what’s really going on under the surface.

Are there any specific situations that trigger the feeling that she has changed her mind about you? Do you think it could help to remind yourself just what you said in your post when you’re in situations like that? It sure isn’t easy though! And I’m not suggesting it as a cure, I’m only thinking out loud.

I don’t know if I’m experiencing the same as you do, but for me a typical situation could be for example him saying “I’ve been thinking about something..” and in a split second I’ll go into what I call “catastrophe mode” thinking: “Something’s wrong”. “He doesn’t wanna be with me”. “He’s gonna leave me”. “I’m hopeless”. “No one will ever love me”. It feels like I’m constantly living in fear that he’ll eventually get to know the real me and realize how horrible I am, and then abandon me. What has helped me a little bit though, is realizing when I get in this “catastrophe mode”, and remind myself of it (and sometimes my boyfriend as well). I don’t know if that helps or makes sense to you at all..?

Maybe it’ll get better with time as well? At least it sounds like you could give yourself a pat on the back for trying the best you can :)