Will It Ever Be Over???

[FindingMyself88]

2 flashbacks this week. One is new, one is one that I get off and on. I went almost one month without flashbacks or nightmares. Why? When will these be over with?! Ugh, sorry guys I am just in a very sour mood. My migraines have upped their intensity again and apparently so has my PTSD.

The new flashback came after I got a call from a debt collector. He was pulling the threatening strings of "This will go to legal standing if you don't pay by Friday." My mind thought that meant going to court and instant Flashback. Court was a huge trigger growing up.

Then the one I get on and off is of being stuck outside alone at night. My real dad and his now ex wife would lock her grandkids (yes, she was OLD) and me outside sometimes at night. I am terrified of being in backyards at night by myself and sometimes even going down the steps of our apartment can trigger flashbacks.

:(. I just want all of this to go away.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like the typical PTSD roller coaster. Not that it makes it any easier though. I was OK for 3 months and then was hit with a 16 day episode with one or more flashbacks a day. (Fingers crossed I'm coming out of it now...) It sucks because you think you're doing so well and then the floor just drops out from beneath you. I wish the good periods could go on forever, but unfortunately we are stuck dealing with this darn disorder and the ups and downs are sort of par for the course.

The good news is that you had an entire month of no nightmares or flashbacks. HURRAH! That is GREAT! I think that now your focus should be on pulling out of your current state. As time goes on, you'll have longer and longer periods of "good" and fewer and farther between periods of "bad". I wish we could just go right to being "good" all the time, but unfortunately we can't as its impossible to "fix" all of our triggers at once.

 

[garden]

I'm right there with you @FindingMyself88, I just want it to go away too. I'm tired of being confused, of being late, of losing things, of not being able to complete a task, of being afraid, of planning escapes when I leave the house....I can go on and on.

When I am highly functioning I start to make plans, and I get all excited, I begin believing it's all over. It's really strange actually because I begin to remember my 'old' self because I'm doing better, and then I think that I can do everything I used to do, and I do begin projects again and things go great, then out of no where I'm hit with something and it all unravels. It's no wonder people can't understand PTSD, we appear so normal at times, and then other times we don't.

When I taught adults the Vidal Sassoon method of hair cutting, I was another person. I had no trouble getting up in front of a group of people, lecturing them, drawing pictures for them, doing a demo on live models...all of it was business as usual. Today all of that scares me. I am scared of all those eyes watching me. I had a pretty good 6 months in 2013. I ended up going back to school, but it was short lived due to debilitating PTSD symptoms. It's a ride that I can't get off of...just keep looping around...

It always comes back. I go back and forth between denial and acceptance (of having ptsd). I am trying to get to a place where when my symptoms are well managed to still realize that I have PTSD, and stop trying to conquer the world just because I can sleep 5 hours in a row. This is why therapy is important for us, because I know that when I'm managing my symptoms and not in therapy is when I start to think I was misdiagnosed.

 

[Friday]

I've been through bankruptcy,.. So I've picked up a lot of experience with debt collectors.

Cardinal Rule : I never pay them. I go direct to the source if I pay (and we had our limits dropped below our balance, that group of people before the laws were changed to make that illegal... So we went from over 200k of credit and 5k in debt and upper 700s credit rating, to over 60k in debt and trashed credit in 3 months. Never spent a dime.) Yep. 60k we never spent.

I use debt collectors as "practice people".

They can't do jack shit to me over the phone. In fact, debt collectors almost universally hate their jobs, and often quit within the month, so it was rare I ever spoke to the same person twice. A few were lifers... Which I know, because in my "practice people" I would seriously chat with some of them.

"Hey... So I won't be paying you, but I know some agencies time your calls. If you need to fill a clock I'm more than happy to chat!" Netted me Charles, Mikala, & Denise. We would chat once a week for months. I hope Denise's granddaughter got into Brown.

More often, I simply played. Accents. Or I'd try to collect a debt from them. Or sell them a better phone service. I would call them and use them as a suicide hotline. Meow. (Only speak Cat). Speak very, very broken English. Talk really earnestly... Through a towel, so they were constantly asking me to repeat myself.

We get used to the person on the other end of the phone being meaningful.

Debt collectors are not meaningful people. Not friends, loved ones, people we respect or need in our lives. They're just people. Sitting in a cubical. Doing a job calling strangers that they will never meet. I like to make their lives more interesting ;)

 

[FindingMyself88]

It sucks because you think you're doing so well and then the floor just drops out from beneath you. I wish the good periods could go on forever, but unfortunately we are stuck dealing with this darn disorder and the ups and downs are sort of par for the course.

When I am highly functioning I start to make plans, and I get all excited, I begin believing it's all over. It's really strange actually because I begin to remember my 'old' self because I'm doing better, and then I think that I can do everything I used to do

Exactly. I really thought I was done with the flashbacks. I was doing better in school, was walking everyday, was doing a lot of self care. Now... gone. Thank God I see my T one more time before she is out for a month (perfect timing, right?!). I also have set up to see another T that she knows in the mean time just to check in with and work on some minor things.

Lol, thank you for the laugh @FridayJones I did talk with some people and they said they couldn't do anything to me. My mind just freaked and went into flashback when he said legal. I mean, this is not even the biggest bill I owe.