Will You Share Your Past With Your Future Partner?

[J_trustno1]

I have tried it once but that person dumped me after 4 days. I know I let it out too quickly. However, this guy wasn't the right one anyway because he was basically after lust because later I found out he already had a girl friend and wanted to get lucky with me.

Anyway apart from this. Do you think it is valuable to share about your abusive childhood with someone new that enters your life and you have known each other for a quite while (a year or 2). Not saying that I have anyone at the moment. But I want to know is it absolutely that important that someone new has to find out about your childhood molestation, domestic violence and all that mess in your childhood or is it not necessary? Part of me thinks that if I find someone great and I love him enough, I should share this with him but other part of me thinks that he will find me vulnerable and use it against me or even humiliate me.

What are your views on this?

 

[keifer]

I'm not sure the other person needs all the details. I had a girl friend who did that with me. It helped me understand why at times, she withdrew. I would definitely not run if a girl had PTSD. If you can't be honest with the one you love, what's the point? As to when in dating do you share this? The last girl I seen was very open and also worked with veterans who had PTSD. I shared on the second date. She didn't run. I would probably share again but only before we started to get serious as the PTSD word tends to put a lot of weight on it. It will also probably measure if that person is interested in me as a person or just my body.

 

[J_trustno1]

@keifer : I also feel that it is necessary but there is this confusion of being hurt and judged. I don't want to suffer another torture. However, I do believe that this person will need to know about the past reality. Just confused.

 

[fly away home]

I think sometimes it's best not to share all the details. I haven't told my partner much in 13 years and he hasn't asked much until recently. I still don't want to share it with him.

My logical answer would be:
Even if the other person isn't going to use it against you it is hard enough talking about these things in T. Chances are your partner won't be a trained trauma specialist. Chances are they won't have the coping skills to manage hearing how hurt you have been. That is why we see a T.

But most likely I would:
Now that I have been diagnosed and understand some of what happened to me I would find it hard to not share these things if my partner felt safe. I guess it would depend on their emotional strength. I would mention domestic violence and judge the reaction. Test the water and see how it goes. Some things I doubt I could ever share.

If your inclined to spill all in one go then I'd make a pact with yourself. One thing per month. Then neither party gets overwhelmed and you feel safe because you are in control. I would always tell them how to stop you from talking about it kindly so that they can stop you and you don't get upset about not being heard.

Hope some part of this makes some sort of sense.

 

[rightkindofme]

My husband was the first person who ever asked me, " What happened to you?!" I had boyfriends I didn't tell much. I'm glad I didn't marry any of them.

My husband is capable of being patient with me in ways no one else is because he understands the context of my life. I wouldn't give that up for the world.

But at this point all I have to do to give people gooey details of my childhood abuse is give them the book my husband encouraged me to write.

 

[J_trustno1]

@fly away home : thanks fly. This was a very wise approach. You know I always feel the guilt that I am hiding the truth. I've always been a very honest person and I always feel if I don't share then I am lying. It's that guilt which makes me share this so I don't feel suspect like. I suppose the kind of training I was given as a child unfortunately.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes, not all the details but a broad outline and that I have PTSD because of it. The way I am likely to build a relationship would be to start with friendship and let it move forward slowly, this way a lot can be taken into account and that person will know everything before romantic/sexual ties occur. That way they would likely know why I have self-harm scars before they see me without a jumper on and why I might want to take things carefully when it comes to sex or why I might need a few days space occasionally. Personally I don't see these things as deal breakers - I could be neurotic and jealous, a control freak, violent or verbally abusive - I am not, I am non- confrontational, sensitive, caring, loving and generous.

If I were to go this route again, it would be good for the other person too because they could back out or just choose to remain friends and it not be so painful for either of us. They would know the truth and see some of the negatives I should imagine but also get to experience my positives too and if they could deal with that and they were attracted to me, then that would be the perfect start to a relationship with a good foundation.

The friendship route in a relationship for me is the best way because also I find someone more attractive the more I know them. I've done it before and it was a beautiful thing - my only relationship and the only person I've been sexually active with outside of my abuse and we were 100% open, no arguments - just care and a very healthy sex life (surprisingly). We mutually chose to split and several years later we are still friends. It's because of him I have a healthy view on sex and men.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well if you have sexual issues then you'd want to tell them something, otherwise if you get triggered in bed it will be quite confusing for them.

 

[billie]

Probably not all the info. I would be worried about disclosing all info to someone who is not trained in trauma. I leave all my info for the Drs and T.

 

[krimson]

My partner of 4 years only found out about a year ago what happened. No details. Just that it happened and it affects my life very much. The only person who knows the entirety (that I can recall anyway) is my sister. She has been very supportive throughout my discovery of my symptoms, and my mother who just found out recently is having issues coping with it. I think it also depends on how strong emotionally someone is.

 

[saoirserylyn]

I've only been in my current relationship post trauma, it was an insurmountable stressor when I first met him - deciding whether or not I should tell him. The initial reason I met someone was solely to hide my trauma and start a fresh new life, but the more emotionally attached I became - the more guilty I felt for hiding it from him. Perhaps it was my state of mind while disocciating that led me to believe I could actually hide this huge influence on my life, but I hoped it could be possible.

There are still moments where I regret my decision to tell him about my trauma, but I know without a shadow of a doubt this relationship wouldn't be as passionate if he didn't know. Nor would I feel that he really knew me because at this point in my life, to love me = acknowledging my ptsd to the full extent of its existence.

At least that is how my brain figures things these days.

 

[krimson]

to love me = acknowledging my ptsd to the full extent of its existence.

I myself only came to terms with my own PTSD about a month ago, I have always thought I had anxiety. When I read more about my symptoms I can better understand myself and understand why what happens to me happens. Since researching more it puts alot of my life into perspective.