Wimped Out Of My Therapy Session Again

[missing_the _sunshine]

Feel like such an idiot and so ashamed of the weak individual I have become. I cancelled my appointment that I had re-scheduled (due to wimping out the last time).

I just feel so stuck and feel like I am in a hole and it is getting harder and harder to find the way out. I don't know that I have ever felt like this before.

Before the recent slip up I actually started opening up again - but since THAT appointment with my GP mentioning some things I had said in T - I just feel like I have fallen backwards. It is ridicoulous because I know that T will help me - but I just can't seem to get that confidence up to walk in the door - filled with so much uncertainty, fear and trepidation.

Am I ever going to work up the courage to suck it up and actually go back to my T?

 

[Srain]

Hey Missing, I've gone through periods of time where I missed my appts, every tdoc expects a certain amount of that so don't be too hard on yourself. Shake it off and look at what your next step might be. Do you want to see this tdoc or just start over? You can call and discuss this first or if it was a deal breaker, move on.

It is all really okay, I promise.

peace,
rain

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Hey Missing, I've gone through periods of time where I missed my appts, every tdoc expects a certain amount of that so don't be too hard on yourself.
Do you want to see this tdoc or just start over?

Thanks for the encouragement Srain. I am not really sure what I think the next step should be...to be honest I can't see myself starting over as I feel like it has taken so long to get to where I am with my current T, not sure that I could do it all again and not sure that I want to. She is really nice and good at what she does (I think). I am just finding it really hard to suck it up - I know that after my recent 'freak out' my GP has probably spoken to her - just feel so embarrassed and stupid. Wish I had of reacted differently.

 

[Srain]

Sometimes what I how I think others are seeing me isn't always how they are. I really doubt they see you as "stupid".
((((((Missing)))))))

Rain

 

[Kim]

Hey there,

This is just a suggestion but maybe talking to her on the phone before your next appointment will help. If I remember right she betrayed your trust in some of the things she spoke to your GP about. It's natural to feel betrayed in this situation. You told her things in confidence. Maybe you need to tell you you feel this way. At the very least an explanation is in order in my opinion. In any case I think this needs to be brought out in the open in order for you to go on with treatment. That's just my opinion of course.

I also agree with Rain that the way we see ourselves reacting is a lot different than what other people see. We're automatically harder on ourselves. I really don't think your GP gave it a second thought once you walked out of the door.

 

[Christy]

Betrayal is a big deal for us. I feel for you. May take some time to work through. It's the pits when the docs make it worse, however inadvertently.

 

[broken_one]

Missing - one step at a time. I know it's easier than said, but please don't be hard on yourself. I know my GP and my T talk, they have to, it's in my best interest, but not cool that your GP mentioned it to you.

I agree with Kim, maybe a phone convo before another F2F appt. My T is nearly 2 hours away so I can only go every other week because I cannot afford half a day off work. I can barely make it from one appt.to the next. And on the way to my last appt. we got stuck in major traffic, I knew I'd be late and I had a massive panic attack in the car, called my T and she said just keep coming and she'd see me whenever I got there. Really? 2.5 hours past my appt and after hours, she was there for me. This is my third T. I know how hard it is starting over, and the retelling and the building up of trust, etc. But for me, I've finally found someone who is actually HELPING me.

Just remember, one step at a time. Please take come comfort in knowing you are not alone. Trust me, I know how important this is.

Broken

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Thank you Kim, Christy and Broken One.

My T has rang a few times...but I am yet to speak to her. I did send her a text letting her know that I was safe but that I was just trying to work through some things.

I dont even think it is about the 'betrayal' (if I can call it that) but it was more about how I didn't cope with the situation and got myself worked up. It is pathetic because it wasn't really a situation that I needed to get worked up about, I think it was just that I was caught off guard. When going to my GP appointments I usually go in rather strong, with the wall up, but this time I may have let my guard down and it was def the wrong appt to so that in. When the questions and the comments came that I wasn't expecting it threw me and I totally freaked out - it is propably my first real public 'freak out' so just feel like an idiot.

 

[Kim]

Nah, you're not an idiot!!! You should have seen some of the displays I've put on!!!! They were real youtube moments for sure!!! lol

Cut yourself some slack anybody would have had a hard time getting caught off guard like that.

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Nah, you're not an idiot!!! You should have seen some of the displays I've put on!!!! They were real youtube moments for sure!!! lol

Cut yourself some slack anybody would have had a hard time getting caught off guard like that.

Woops...forgot about YouTube - have not checked yet to see that mine was recorded and posted!

 

[Froggie]

Wish I was closer to accompany you to a next appt.

 

[Nighthawk]

I really understand that you are having a hard time going. I have cancelled or postponed appointments for weeks at times. As a matter of fact when I went back my comfort T asked if I was avoiding her and I said yes and told her I could only handel so much. I am no longer getting much out of this T and yet while my TT is out of town I have chosen to see her once in between. It is so hard to walk through that door. If you can think of all of us going with you linking hands maybe you can gather the strength to go. I know this thought helped me. I have needed the momentum from somwere other than myself.

Wishing you the strength and courage to see your T

NH