Dom Violence Witnessed Dv - Haven't Been The Same Since

[Cult]

One of the main reasons I am back here is to deal with an incident of domestic violence I witnessed about a year ago. My stepson (15 years old, 6'5'", 250#) strangled my W (his mother) after he became angry that she woke him from a nap in the middle of the day. I saw the whole thing. He wrapped his hands around her throat, physically lifted her up off the floor and then threw her back onto the couch. My W hit her head on an end table. I screamed at stepson to get away from her and go into his room. He obeyed. W was not seriously injured although his attack did temporarily damage her vision. I wanted to call 911 and have him arrested/hospitalized immediately, my W asked me not to do so, so I did not. We called his father (with whom he lives) and his father came to pick him up. Following the incident there were several emergency therapy sessions - SS has a long history of emotional problems and anger issues, and has been in therapy off and on since the age of 10.He has a younger brother (SS#2) whom he has attacked also btw. The little brother also witnessed this incident and had a meltdown of his own.

Therapy helped to re-normalize day to day interactions however, SS never apologized or displayed one iota of remorse for his behavior.

He has not tried to attack her again, however he did become violent with his father after this episode, and as a result he was hospitalized. Father did not want any consequences for this child, my W and I insisted that he be hospitalized. We also asked that he receive an evaluation for an IEP due to his emotional problems causing him to fail in school, although he is extremely intelligent. Due to all of these issues, SS blames us for "ruining his life" and has cut off all contact with us for the time being.

I can still see my SS attacking my W. The experience of witnessing his assault of my spouse re-ignited a lot of early traumatic experiences from my upbringing. I am in counseling getting help for this. My issue though is that my W wants me to be open to allowing this SS back into our home. I have told my W that I would need firm conditions for that to happen, including a frank sit down discussion between myself and SS about the expectations for his behavior. At the moment it is a moot point, he hates us both and never intends to see us again, but he is just 15 years old and a child.

I see so many stories and know so many people who go through this. It truly never ends in some cases. I will need to protect myself from this insanity and violence, even if it means living apart from my W at some point in the future.Witnessing his assault of my W caused me to regress somewhat, I am now re-experiencing other traumatic incidents from my own childhood. It really opened Pandora's box and I feel very strongly that I am not safe around SS, and neither is W. W has told me she has premonitions that SS will kill her one day.

The sense of helplessness and hopelessness is a very familiar one. I have not come this far, at the age of nearly 50, to live in fear once again. At the same time I need to be sure I am not overreacting. At the moment there is no danger because there is no SS in the picture. But that could change at any moment and that is what I worry about.

 

[Friday]

Poor kid. What kind of life must he have lived to have his immediate response to being startled awake / disoriented to go for the throat of the person waking him? Add to that his size, where the adults who might love on and protect him if he were little, are terrified of and hate him. :(

At the moment there is no danger because there is no SS in the picture. But that could change at any moment and that is what I worry about.

Realistically, will it really change at any moment? Or will there most likely be phonecalls, meetings, discussions, arguments, and quite a bit of drama to serve as warning that such a thig is even likely to happen in the near future? More, since she's chosen you over her own child in the past, is it likely she's going to change her tune, now? Or continue to choose you over him?

 

[Cult]

Sounds like you're antagonistic.

Where do you see that my W has chosen me over "her own child?" Just the phrasing of that statement is judgmental, as well as not supported by anything I wrote.

 

[Justmehere]

my W (his mother)

Just a heads up, accroynms get a little confusing on an international forum. I assume "W" stands for your wife? "SS" is stepson?

You have witnessed a very traumatic event. This event alone would qualify as criterion A trauma that could lead to later development of PTSD. It makes sense that it stirred up your PTSD symptoms and caused a bit of regression for you. It's great you are getting counseling for this. It would trigger me to see a large teenager attack his mom.

Has your wife and stepson been in any on-going counseling that you know of?

I am in counseling getting help for this. My issue though is that my W wants me to be open to allowing this SS back into our home. I have told my W that I would need firm conditions for that to happen, including a frank sit down discussion between myself and SS about the expectations for his behavior. At the moment it is a moot point, he hates us both and never intends to see us again, but he is just 15 years old and a child.

If it is a moot point, why is your wife pushing for you to be open to this now? This might be an important question to ask her, and ask of yourself.

I will need to protect myself from this insanity and violence, even if it means living apart from my W at some point in the future.

This seems like a good boundary to have if there is not enough evidence of change to assure everyone will be safe.

He has not tried to attack her again, however he did become violent with his father after this episode, and as a result he was hospitalized. Father did not want any consequences for this child, my W and I insisted that he be hospitalized. We also asked that he receive an evaluation for an IEP due to his emotional problems causing him to fail in school, although he is extremely intelligent. Due to all of these issues, SS blames us for "ruining his life" and has cut off all contact with us for the time being.

Seems like his father is enabling him little a bit, and the SS is refusing help that others have offered. I don't want to excuse the stepson for his violent behavior. It's not ok. But I can see why the parents are struggling to seek consequnces like pressing charges on their child. I''m not sure if that is a good or bad choice, but I do think some consequences need to be in place, especially because he is young.

I also wonder about what is going on for him that he would become violent upon being startled wake. Do you know if or what kind of diagnosis he has? No diagnosis makes his behavior ok, but it may help determine what appropriate action needs to happen.

I don't think you are overreacting. You have some good boundaries about what it would take for you to be ok with him coming back into your home, and what you would if the violence continued.

I also see some room to try to understand the position of your wife more, but not to bend your boundaries, but to accept this situation for what it is so that you can make good plans to be safe.

I would also look at how likely it is for him to return "at any moment" and how much that is or is not to be feared. I think @FridayJones is right that an estranged child likely will not actually return at any moment, but that there would be a lot of conversation and things that happen before that point.

If there is a real possibility of him returning to live there at any moment, then you and your wife probably need to have a talk about what you will do if that happens. Will you leave immediately, will you call police, etc.

Healthy mothers will struggle to pick a relationship with a spouse vs the relationship with a child. The mother-child bond is a difficult one to break. If the stepson does not change (which he shows no sign of doing), your boundary is basically that your wife choose you staying in the house, over allowing her son back into the house. If she allows him back as things are now, you have made it clear you will leave. There is no reason for you to get defensive about this. But, it's good to take into consideration that's it is hell of a choice for a mom to make. It doesn't mean your boundary is bad, but it does mean that she will struggle with this significantly and will probably try to get you to change your mind. And won't likely stop.

There may be middle ground. Perhaps you and your wife could work out something where she spends time with him away from the house or something like that, but it is a very tough position. You are going to have to be prepared to gently but clearly hold your ground when the time comes on what you need to be safe. I would communicate it as what you need to feel safe, rather than being about how bad the stepsson is, and that might help your wife hear it less defensively and understand your viewpoint better.

Healthy mom's do seek healthy consequences for bad behavior of their kids. This may be a bigger issue between you and your wife right now - her enabling of her stepson regardless of if he returns or not. It is unhealthy and may feel invalidating of how seriously dangerous things were and could be. This issue may pop up in other areas too. It may be a good issue to both talk with a counselor about together, if you haven't already.

 

[Cult]

Thank you for this reply. It is very helpful.

For the record, stepson was not asleep when he became enraged and attacked my wife. He was lying awake and refused to respond to multiple requests from me and from my W to get up and get dressed for a dinner engagement. SS's reaction was not a startle response. He was just angry.

 

[joeylittle]

Temporarily locking

 

[anthony]

As this threads content was quoted and responded before the OP decided to delete their content, I have reinstated all the original content, overriding the OP's decision.

 

[EveHarrington]

No------I don't believe that you're overreacting.

Each and every one of us deserves to be safe in our own home.

I don't think it's a matter of choosing sides. Your wife IS on his side by insisting on that hospitalization. But at the same time, she's on your side, too.

Please stay strong and get that young man the help he needs (while keeping yourself safe).

Do you know if he has a mental health diagnosis?

If he refuses all help and won't modify his behavior, he is the one keeping himself out of your home, not you and not your wife.

 

[Cult]

Stepson has access to plenty of help. He was in a day program last spring, and he has not one but two therapists (one for med management and the other for talk therapy). He's fine - we're the ones with the problem, according to him, and tragically, nobody is relieving him of this delusion. So all of the help in the world won't do any good as he is not open to it.

His psychiatrist tells us she cannot reach him and tha he has no insight into his actions. He blames other people for everything. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

I agree that he's the one keeping himself out of our home - and it isn't like he's clamoring for readmission. He doesn't want anything to do with us. My W has been doing a good job keeping her distance. She sends texts every so often because she wants to keep the door open for a reconciliation at some point. I get that, she is his mom after all, but she does have an awareness that he is dangerous and that she needs to be very careful with him.

He does not live with us - my W and her ex, his father, agreed that the father should have residential custody. It's basically a frat house, and stepson has no rules or consequences. He lives like an adult and does whatever he pleases.