Wondering If I Will Make It

[scout86]

Staying engaged in the conversation is no problem. And, I can relate to feeling tired of stuff. Someone once told me just to focus on putting one foot in front of the other until you're at the other side. Not easy, but at least it's a goal. Things will get better. This might be rough, but I think you've done harder times. You can do this.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks @scout86 . I am working on believing that I will get through this. Part of me is ready to go back to in-patient to get extra help and maybe move forward, but I don't really want to be away from my family and I need to get stuff done. I just know the place I go to is very helpful and I can make the next step forward, but it's 9 hours away so no family and I know it takes a toll on my boys every time I go. So for now I am living in that attempt to put one foot in front of the other. Today I am making my goal laundry with music playing. I have to go out to run an errand, but other than that I have nothing planned. I should be doing internal communication, but I don't feel safe enough for that even though that would help me feel safer in the long run I suspect. So for now it's laundry and maybe when my husband is home tonight I can journal that way I am not alone. I just hate the feelings of frustration and the flashbacks and the trying to stay present so that I can attend to things that can't wait.

 

[scout86]

Laundry is kind of important. Especially when you're in the mom business. I'd say anything you get done is an accomplishment.

I can imagine how hard it must be, to be torn between the relative safety of in-patient, especially when they've been a big asset, and needing to be there for your family. It's got to be a fine line to walk. You really seem to be doing a pretty good job, from here. I'm sure mostly you just see things you wish you could do better. And I'll bet you're telling yourself you "should" do better. You've made real progress though and I'm sure you will keep doing that.

 

[pixel]

One okay day is not enough to sustain me.

Yeah, it's like, Hooray! the world didn't assault me today :sour:

Seconding @scout86, zero in on putting one foot in front of the other, when stressors get high instead of trying to live day-to-day, we narrow it down to hour-by-hour or minute-by-minute. thats how we survived isnt it?

Then, when the next little incident occurs, instead of dealing with it and ALL the other crap we're carrying on our backs, its just like "oh, xxxxx has happened. i know how to deal with this." and you focus on that task. and you get through it. and you don't ADD it to your burdens, you just mechanically manage until you can cope again and turn yourself back online. :nailbiting:

when you feel better, you look around you and see all the people who supported you and its a nice feeling :happy:

 

[aut555]

Thanks @scout86 . I am working on believing that I will get through th...

Great, sounds like you are thinking with clarity, that's a big deal right there. Your kids are extremely lucky to have a together mom today!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks for the responses @scout86 , @pixel , and @aut555 . They are helping to keep me going. I ended up going out in the wind and rain to see a friend while she did shopping in town (we don't live that close so since she was in my town I decided to brave going out). I don't what came over me on the way home, but I passed my eye doctor's place and I have been so afraid of going (last time was literally right after the accident since I lost my glasses- as in no one found them at all- in the accident). I also hate the phone so calling for appointments is not my thing. But as I was passing by, I pulled over and decided to walk in and make an appointment. The had one available right then and so I said to myself, well, I can't chicken out this way. I did the whole thing. It all went well. Learned I have an eye that is becoming lazy or always has been but never been noticed before and that explains why the words have been swimming on the pages lately especially during times of high stress. Good to know. So I guess it was a successful day. And (partially to avoid any chaos of family arrival) I folded the 3 older loads of laundry and am currently washing the third. I have my brother-in-law and our niece coming tomorrow through Tuesday so we'll see how that goes. I need to talk to him about current living arrangements for him and his niece so little worried about that but I feel a great need to rescue her even though I know I am projecting into things I am sure (to some extent, not completely) and I don't know what is the best thing to do, but one moment at a time, right?

 

[scout86]

That sounds like an extremely successful day. Good for you! :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Good for you!

Thanks. I know things aren't great inside still, but the day went better than I thought it would.

 

[aut555]

So add up good things, overcame fear and avoidance, and did eye appt. Went out to meet friend, and caring about your niece. This is a lot of positive things. If you stress, stop and reflect on recent accomplishments. :)

 

[pixel]

Good job hun. :tup:

Just want to add, when i've had a good day, or am feeling like i did something right etc, acknowledging it is great, but i have to let one of my team inside do something that they like. its like they get rebellious if one of us succeeeds, they revolt à la Les Misérables style.

So, it might be helpful to let a Part do something they enjoy. ;)

 

[Msbliz62]

From the onset of fall weather and appearances, I start anniversary time. It's not just a...

PLEASE MEDITATE! I have found it's so powerful as it enables me to detach from my own thoughts when I should be doing that to stay sane.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Anything you think will help me make it through, please share.

I had DID and PTSD. It's gone, I'm healed. I tell you to remind you: not only will this state not last forever but healing is quite possible.

This feeling will not last forever.

My trick is to always make sure I do something I love everyday, and, to hell with rumination. No more shoulda/coulda/woulda thoughts or talk for me.