Wondering Where To Go - Could I Have PTSD?

[magnuss]

So over the last few months I have been having some problems. I'm active duty military and got back from Iraq in April of 2008. Since then I've noticed things going steadily downhill for me and over the last few weeks, they have been getting especially worse. I'm here because I THINK it might be PTSD that is starting to bog me down. The only reason I think this is because I hurt my shoulder last week and went into the local BAS on base here, and saw some pamphlets that were listing off a bunch of issues which I could relate with, and saying they were PTSD.

My problem is that I don't really KNOW if it is PTSD, and I'm not in a position where I am willing to expose myself to my command and try to throw it out there on the table. I worry that these things which are bothering me and getting progressively worse will soon get to the point where I can't hide it amongst my junior Marines... I worry a bit about coming off as the wrong example in front of them right before they go into battle overseas.

After doing some reaserch on it (google ftw), I stumbled across here. I've been an active forum go'er for several years, so I figured if there is anywhere I can get some straight answers it would be in a place like this. So if you all could, help me figure out if what I have ACTUALLY is PTSD, and what my best course of action could/should be?

Basically my biggest problems are lack of sleep. I pull in roughly 2 hours of sleep per night 6 days a week. 1 day each week (which is a random day) I end up crashing and nearly being late for my morning formation because I'm completely unconscious for like 7 hours. When I do sleep, I don't dream. Or at least I don't remember any dreams. I wake up feeling exactly the same as when I went to sleep, COMPLETELY drained and unmotivated to do anything.

When I'm up and working, I am constantly moving, always trying to find something to do to keep myself from getting bored. Whenever I sit around for too long, I get headaches which last about an hour. They start in my neck and the back of my skull and get progressively worse until they die away. I found the best way to combat these is to just keep moving, keep thinking, and keep myself as busy as possible (which is actually harder then you might imagine in my profession).

I also have an issue with eating. I don't think I have any kind of disorder or anything, I just have nothing that ever tells me that I am hungry. I eat when I see or think about food and it is conveinant to get, but most the time I don't think about it or even remember to eat. I've gone days without eating anything before, simply because I didnt really think about it and was forced to eat something when I couldn't pull myself up on the pullup bar.

Now, I don't consider myself to be a stupid person. I am in fact very much self aware and conscious about what is going on in my head and with my body at all points in time. I don't feel like I'm losing control or like my "symptoms" are out of the ordinary most of the time because I am usually completely aware of what is wrong.

The only exception to this would be when I am alone. Usually after work, when my roommates go out and do their thing in town and I am sitting here in front of my computer is when I start getting anxiety issues. More specifically, I become extremely short tempered and furious at ANYTHING. A good example would be breaking the handles off of my wall locker because they were sticking and not moving freely like they should. Or throwing my mouse completely across the room because the batteries in it died. I get so overpowered by the anger that my eyes become bloodshot and I see floating spots. This ONLY happens when I am alone, as another person in the room immediately brings me to my senses instead of flipping the hell out.

Now I'm sure that anyone who reads this would probably think of me as having SOME kind of stress related mental disorder, but compared to a lot of my friends, I have had very few "extreme" experiences. I don't dwell on any single thought from my past, nor do I have flashbacks. I get some nervousness and jitteriness sometimes, but that is to be expected dealing with the stuff that we do while training. These symptoms also were not like this when I first touched down back in the states. In fact back then I even remember sleeping fairly well for the first month or so.

I don't expect some forum go'ers to have a whole bunch of answers or anything dramatic that will change my life. I'm just hoping some of you who are more experienced with PTSD can help me narrow down what it is that I have, where it is coming from, and perhaps help me get some assistance without having to go through my command or any official facilities.

I really appreciate any feedback all of you can provide.

 

[Mina]

Hi, Magnuss, and welcome to the forum. I don't have any great answers, but have you checked out the "PTSD Forms" section? Look off to the left of your screen, and there's a link for it under the "PTSD Forum Extra's" section. You may find that area of particular interest, especially the PTSD Diagnosis Form.

Is it an option for you to see a mental health professional without going through command? Could you make an appointment on a day off, and pay cash? My diagnosis and treatment has all been paid for out of pocket, and never run through insurance (not covered, and my T doesn't take it anyway). I don't know if that might be an option for you as well...sort of a way around established channels, maybe.

 

[Luthien]

Welcome Magnuss,

I hope you find the answers you're looking for here. It sounds to me like regardless of whether or not you have PTSD, you do need to try to get some support for what has been going on with you.

Your symptoms do sound like some of the PTSD symptoms, but this doesn't mean you have PTSD. You lack some of the major ones, but this doesn't mean you don't have PTSD. See where this is going?

I second Mina's suggestion to see a doc outside of the military, if you're not comfortable exposing yourself to command. I also think it would be helpful for you to look at the PTSD diagnosis form. A doctor would better be able to help you with your question than anyone on this forum, but short of that, the form is your best bet. It certainly was an eye opener for me when I was diagnosed, and I cried with relief that there was an answer to my madness (I had every single symptom in the list).

That said, this is a very supportive place to be, and you might find it very beneficial regardless of the fact that you might not have PTSD.
Why not try looking around here, reading through the info threads Anthony has posted, and seeing what this place is all about. There is sort of a method that people follow here, and I have found it to be helpful for me.

I am sorry I couldn't answer your question in detail, but the simple answer is "yes, you could have PTSD".

Good luck getting things figured out.

P.S. your "google ftw" comment cracked me up...You seem to have a healthy sense of humour (always a good thing).

Take care.

 

[becvan]

.
My problem is that I don't really KNOW if it is PTSD, and I'm not in a position where I am willing to expose myself to my command and try to throw it out there on the table. I worry that these things which are bothering me and getting progressively worse will soon get to the point where I can't hide it amongst my junior Marines... I worry a bit about coming off as the wrong example in front of them right before they go into battle overseas.

If you really do have PTSD the worst thing you can do is try to ignore it and hide it. The only way to be 100% sure of what you have is to reach out for help and get diagnosed. I realize that is hard in the environment you are in, however, let me assure you: PTSD gets worse the longer it goes untreated. Do not wait to find out if it is PTSD or not.

So if you all could, help me figure out if what I have ACTUALLY is PTSD, and what my best course of action could/should be?

Again if you do have PTSD the course of action needed is a diagnosis and to start therapy ASAP. Also to be removed from any environment causing further trauma. As in no more overseas deployments.

Basically my biggest problems are lack of sleep. I pull in roughly 2 hours of sleep per night 6 days a week. 1 day each week (which is a random day) I end up crashing and nearly being late for my morning formation because I'm completely unconscious for like 7 hours. When I do sleep, I don't dream. Or at least I don't remember any dreams. I wake up feeling exactly the same as when I went to sleep, COMPLETELY drained and unmotivated to do anything.

Why do you not sleep? Do you have racing thoughts? Are you too aware of your environment (are you worried about safety or on high alert?) What is causing the lack of sleep. That is what you need the answers to, in order to determine if the lack of sleep is PTSD related.

When I'm up and working, I am constantly moving, always trying to find something to do to keep myself from getting bored. Whenever I sit around for too long, I get headaches which last about an hour. They start in my neck and the back of my skull and get progressively worse until they die away. I found the best way to combat these is to just keep moving, keep thinking, and keep myself as busy as possible (which is actually harder then you might imagine in my profession).

What are you trying to avoid here? Racing thoughts? Thinking about deployment? Do you have a TBI by any chance? I would look into that too. However what is it that you are avoiding here?

I also have an issue with eating. I don't think I have any kind of disorder or anything, I just have nothing that ever tells me that I am hungry. I eat when I see or think about food and it is conveinant to get, but most the time I don't think about it or even remember to eat. I've gone days without eating anything before, simply because I didnt really think about it and was forced to eat something when I couldn't pull myself up on the pullup bar.

I've had issues with that for years. When your too busy trying to cope with your brain, other necessary functions get left behind like eating. Try setting up a schedule. Eat breakfast at 9, lunch at 12 etc... have a watch that beeps at you to remind you to eat regularly.

The only exception to this would be when I am alone. Usually after work, when my roommates go out and do their thing in town and I am sitting here in front of my computer is when I start getting anxiety issues. More specifically, I become extremely short tempered and furious at ANYTHING. A good example would be breaking the handles off of my wall locker because they were sticking and not moving freely like they should. Or throwing my mouse completely across the room because the batteries in it died. I get so overpowered by the anger that my eyes become bloodshot and I see floating spots. This ONLY happens when I am alone, as another person in the room immediately brings me to my senses instead of flipping the hell out.

Extreme anger and rages is a part of PTSD. In fact one of the more common ones. You need to a) determine if you have PTSD, b) learn anger management and, c) reduce your stress and learn coping techniques.

Now I'm sure that anyone who reads this would probably think of me as having SOME kind of stress related mental disorder, but compared to a lot of my friends, I have had very few "extreme" experiences. I don't dwell on any single thought from my past, nor do I have flashbacks. I get some nervousness and jitteriness sometimes, but that is to be expected dealing with the stuff that we do while training. These symptoms also were not like this when I first touched down back in the states. In fact back then I even remember sleeping fairly well for the first month or so.

Not everyone experiences flashbacks and there are many various forms of flashbacks. Also, only one traumatic experience can cause PTSD (and no, no one has any idea why nor why one person gets it and the next doesn't.) PTSD can also be delayed and not present itself for months to years.

Hopefully that helped some. Answer those questions, take the PTSD questionnaire ( in PTSD forms) and don't delay getting help. Welcome and good luck!

bec

 

[patrick]

Magnuss,

You're in a good place here for information and support. I think you'll find it very hard to get anyone other than a professional to tell you whether or not you have PTSD. I had it without knowing it for almost 40 years from my military experience. Made a real shambles of my life in the process. I know the mixed message the military is giving these days relative to PTSD, and that it can be a real negative to your career to have it, or even to think you might. If there is a way to see a professional outside the military system to find out what's going on, doing it sooner rather than later is the best bet. If there isn't, I would submit to you, based on my experience, that dealing with this shit before it gets worse is more important than anything else, including a military career. If you have PTSD and don't deal with it, it can effect every part of your life, and not in a good way.

I'm glad to see you here, and glad you are considering your options. Hope to see you back again and hear how it's going for you.

Pat

 

[Vickym]

Magnuss welcome to the forum.

My bf served 2 tour in Iraq. He was injured when an ied went off by his humvee. He was home for 1 year before he got help. He was mess I didnt know him then but he and others have told me. He started out with some uncontrolled angry and irritability. From there it only got worse for him. He said he didn't get help sooner because he was afraid of what would happen to him. Looking back he wishes he got help sooner.

I have to agree with Mina if you feel you can't go to a doctor on base seek a doctor off base.

You have made a big step already by finding the Forum and reaching out. You need to do what is in your best interest.

My bf goes without eating for days at a time to. I ry to tell him he is home now he can eat. Usually his response is when he was on a mission for days at a time he didn't eat.

As for sleep he goes days without it and then crashes. Sometimes its like he is on guard at night watching over us. I'm telling you these things to let you know your not the only one.

Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking to? Maybe someone that is now out of the military. My bf had a few phone calls from guys that he served with that are now asking him about ptsd wondering if they have it.

 

[Claire]

Hello Magnuss, just wanted to welcome you here. I agree with what Bec's said.

Dont wait. If it is PTSD is doesn't just go away. If whatever it is is bothering you enough to come here, you have to get it sorted. It doesn't matter that you were fine when you first got back. I was fine after my car crash for a couple of months, thought I could handle it etc. It doesn't work that way with this though.

Good luck.

 

[magnuss]

Hey everyone,

Let me first say thank you for the responses and support all of you have given to me in such a short period of time. After making this post (and waiting for it to be published) I dug around the site a bit further and found some of the forms and things of that nature which could help diagnose PTSD. After reading up on a few of them, I cannot completely be certain if I have PTSD either and as suggested here I need to see a professional and get help. All of this I understand.

I have two issues which worry me. I mention these merely for your opinions and thoughts, as the options that are available to me are already fairly obvious. The first problem I have is that there is no way in which I can keep appointments or meetings with a professional without it cutting into my limited funds (I don't make a whole lot of money), and without having to get days off of training time to go out and be able to make any appointments that I could make. This comes back and basically means that I have no choice but to tell my command and let it be known. It is to say the least, a difficult thing for me to do.

The other problem that I have is that I have EVERY intention of deploying again. It would require an extension of several months onto my contract, but I would be able to deploy with my Marines into Afghanistan and serve over there for about 7 months. I want to do this... even more so then I want my life to return to normal. It is a fairly difficult concept for most people outside of my job to understand, but for someone like me, doing my job on a battlefield is the ONLY thing that makes all the work and effort worthwhile. The reward is the risk.

What are the possible side affects that could occur, should I decide to neglect seeking help for another 10 months?

What are temporary solutions to my problem, that maybe I wouldn't have to seek professional help for, or that may not affect me so much that I couldn't continue to do my job?

Is there any way for PTSD to be treated and "cured" within a timeframe the would still allow me to pursue my deployment ambitions?

These questions came to mind for me as I was writing the beginning of this post, so forgive me if they seem slightly out of place. Also Becvan asked some questions that I'll go ahead and answer.

"What are you trying to avoid here? Racing thoughts? Thinking about deployment? Do you have a TBI by any chance? I would look into that too. However what is it that you are avoiding here?"

There is no specific thought or event that I am trying to avoid. I am mostly trying to avoid the headaches, which will occur whenever I sit around for too long, or don't keep my mind busy. I am also unsure of what TBI is, or what you are referring to with it.

I must say that I personally do not feel any emotion or remorse, or even relative significance to any of my military actions or problems. Quite frankly, I am completely indifferent to anything that may have occured over there. It just doesn't feel significant in any form to me personally.

"Why do you not sleep? Do you have racing thoughts? Are you too aware of your environment (are you worried about safety or on high alert?) What is causing the lack of sleep. That is what you need the answers to, in order to determine if the lack of sleep is PTSD related."

While I am awake and trying to fall of sleep I am usually thinking about things that have occured throughout the day/week/etc. Most of the time I focus on the things that had pissed me off throughout the day, and once again start to feel that irritability occuring. Evidence of which would be the grinding of my teeth and several dents in the metal locker which sits next to my bed. It is different every day as I try to sleep, but usually revolves around the same ideas and stresses.


Thanks again for everyone's support and assistance to me, it means a great deal.

 

[Claire]

Hello, many of the questions you ask I'll leave others with more relevant experience to answer. However, I can tell you that you cant just leave this and hope it will go away. If it is PTSD and you dont do anything you might well find it effecting you regardless of what you might think or want to happen. You can not control it. It festers, and if you dont do anything it gets worse and worse and will effect you and the way you do your job. You could end up putting yourself and others at risk if you are deployed again and this was to worsen.

I think your best chance of nipping this in the bud is getting help sooner rather than later. Are there no confidential options open to you? Charities that help soldiers? There is also a difference between PTS and PTSD. I'm no doctor so I'm not about to tell you what you have but PTS can be treated quicker and more successfully if you catch it early and then it doesn't develop into PTSD.

 

[Vickym]

TBI stands for tramatic brain injury. My bf has that along with his ptsd. Some side affects are headaches, memory problems(short term memory loss), Change in sleep paterns, mood swings, ect. He suffers from his do to the bomb that went off. It was a blow to his head when the humvee rolled over. Have you had any intense blows to your head? Maybe where you were knocked out for a little awhile. Also waiting is only going to make thing worse in the long run. Maybe seek help for your headaches to take the edge off them.

 

[Nat]

My ex is also a marine and seeking treatment while still in. He is going to a private therapist offbase and I think he is using Tricare to fund this. I am not sure if Tricare notifies your command, but this is still a way for you to recieve care off base without a lot of people knowing. It worries me that you want to deploy to Afghanistan. I only say this because my ex deployed there and it really shook him up. It wouldn't hurt to check out an offbase therapist and see what funding options they have, I am sure they can find some way to keep it quiet and help you out. Good luck!

 

[patrick]

Magnuss,

I heard a news story this morning on National Public Radio about the prevelance of traumatic brain injury in Iraq combat vets. They are occurring in high numbers from concussions from being close to explosions. Going on sick call about headaches and concern over TBI could be a way to get the ball rolling. If you have PTSD it's possible you could deploy to Afganistan and be a great leader with no problems, but it's also possible you could melt down in a battle situation. I don't know you or your situation, and I'm in no way an expert, but I've done a fair amount of reading on combat related PTSD, and it is possible that you could put your men's safety in jeopardy. I think doing what you can to get things figured out before you deploy would be in your best interest. Maybe you don't have PTSD at all. You never know.

Keep us posted.

Pat