Relationship Wont Apologize Or Admit Wrongs....

[itsallokay]

First, thank you all SO much! I have been reading this forum for months and its helped me SO much to better understand my boyfriend and not feel so alone. I just wanted to tell my story and see if anyone can relate or has thoughts.

I am a psychologist, but somehow missed that my ex-Ranger boyfriend had severe PTSD. Seeing it once a week is a billion times different than living with it. I had no idea that anger could be such a huge part of it. I also just chalked our countless fights up to him being angry and controlling. He would go through my phone, leave my house in the middle of the night if we didn't have sex when he wanted to and get mad at me for the tiniest things. He has made some amazing changes in those areas, which has given me a lot of hope in who he is and his ability to make things better.

After 15 months together, he finally got on medication, which helped, but he still refused to go to therapy, saying he didn't have time. I pressed him on this, because we promised to tackle it as a team. I was also struggling to forgive him for the past hurts (there's been so many). He has NEVER apologized for so many things he's done that have hurt me deeply. He got upset, saying that I "sabotaged" the entire relationship and told me to get my things from his house and leave my key. This is probably the 10th time he has kicked me out of his house (or some form of that) since we have been together and I just couldn't take it anymore so I told myself I should be done.

The problem is, I do love him, and part of me still believes he can be a good man because he has such an amazing heart. But he won't apologize and he is hell bent on blaming me and making me pay because I "couldn't just let things be good." He also threatens to "just move on" whenever I don't respond immediately if he does try to reach out after a big argument. This makes me feel replaceable.

Why are apologies so hard? Does he really not see all the hurt he has caused in the last year and that I have stood by him? I just don't understand....

 

[Footsie1980]

Although I am the one in my marriage who has PTSD, my husband has some issues similiar to what youve described your boyfriend having. I was mad, for a long time, that he never gave me a real apology for the emotionally controlling and abusive things he did (which is not why I have PTSD) but, when he finally did apologize, It didnt make me feel better. Only made me feel like I had won, which wasnt what I should have wanted. The only thing that will make you move past this is YOU deciding that youre done being bothered by it and letting it go.

 

[scout86]

Why are apologies so hard?

You're a psychologist. Leave your relationship out of it for a bit. "Why are apologies so hard?" What would you think if this was a client? Apologies AREN'T that hard for everyone, in all situations. What makes them hard for some people, either most of the time or some of the time?

It's possible for a controlling jerk to have PTSD. That just makes you a controlling jerk with PTSD. It's also possible for PTSD to make you suspicious and all that. But, sounds like what you have here is a guy who's kind of mean and hard to live with and he doesn't see that as a problem. And, maybe it's not, for HIM.

The only thing that will make you move past this is YOU deciding that youre done being bothered by it and letting it go.

Well, yeah, as long as the unacceptable behavior improves. Otherwise what you've done is said "I'm available to be a punching bag, go for it."

I have PTSD. I sometimes lose my temper. I generally realize I've acted like an idiot and apologize. It's hard to apologize because having acted like an idiot is embarrassing and I usually can't come up with a good, rational explanation, just something that sounds like an excuse. And I hate that! But I figure I should apologize anyway, and try to do better. And the former is pretty pointless without the latter.

My ex was probably a narcissist. He never apologized either. I guess because he didn't think there was anything to apologize for, or there wasn't anyone important enough to apologize to. Things eventually reached a point where I asked myself if I really wanted to live that way the rest of my life. The answer was no, obviously, or he wouldn't be my "ex". I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you make yourself into a doormat, don't complain if people walk over the top of you. I'm NOT saying that a person with PTSD is necessarily a lost cause or is never worth the effort of trying to help them. I'm just saying that, if HE doesn't see anything that needs work, no work is going to get done.

 

[Seasounds]

• A degree in any field does not mean that anyone knows how to have, knows how to live, or knows how to create, healthy relationships. These skills come from lived experience, self-examination, integrating new concepts, and practice over time.
• We all generate our own emotions. No one has caused my feelings. It is not wise to give anyone this power.
• We can choose to leave a relationship, at any time, including when it is not what we want.
• We can't change people. We can only trust them to be who they have been and are.
• We can create healthier relationships only if we understand how we contribute to a dysfunctional dynamic.
• Thinking that someone owes me an apology is not helpful; I may never get it. Instead, a better use of my time is to realize my feelings, heal, and move on-to someone who knows how to be respectful.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does he really not see all the hurt he has caused in the last year and that I have stood by him?

If he is lashing out because he is not managing his stressors, then probably not.

 

[Seasounds]

I'm sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your frustration. I hope you find support and healing in this forum, and in any other supports in your life.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @itsallokay - I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties with your man - hugs if you want them.

Why are apologies so hard? Does he really not see all the hurt he has caused in the last year and that I have stood by him?

Honestly, based on what you've said on this thread, I don't think this is the question you should be asking yourself.

He got upset, saying that I "sabotaged" the entire relationship and told me to get my things from his house and leave my key. This is probably the 10th time he has kicked me out of his house (or some form of that) since we have been together and I just couldn't take it anymore so I told myself I should be done.

THIS....

he is hell bent on blaming me and making me pay because I "couldn't just let things be good." He also threatens to "just move on" whenever I don't respond immediately

...and THIS, are causes for concern. It's emotional blackmail. I think what you should be asking yourself is "Do I want to be in a relationship with a guy who won't take responsibility for his actions?"

Having said that, only you know whether this relationship has real potential or not. But the behaviours that you have described him engaging in are red flags. I'm not suggesting you should end it, but you should definitely slow right down, take a step back and pay careful attention to what's happening here.

It could be that there's some amygdala hijacking going on here. My T likes to describe it as like having a faulty smoke alarm that keeps going off every time you cook some toast or whatever (that's a pretty simplistic explanation, but you get the idea). I don't have PTSD, but I have an anxiety disorder, and somewhere along the line, I came to believe that people could not be trusted under any circumstances, when it comes to romantic relationships. Every time my fear of trusting people is triggered, the Automatic Negative Thinking kicks in, and I feel the compulsive desire to either a) run for the hills, or b) search for "evidence" that will support my belief that "no-one can be trusted." As you can imagine, it has nearly destroyed my current relationship at various times - my poor boyfriend doesn't quite understand why it's so hard for me to just trust him. It has taken a massive effort on my part to start to overcome that belief, but it's really, really hard, and there are days that I feel like giving up, because I'm too scared, and it all feels too hard. I'm mentioning this because you commented that your guy goes through your phone - perhaps he has some serious trust issues, and problems with automatic negative thinking, too.

BUT - I thought long and hard about this relationship before I committed to it, and when the panic starts to rise, I remind myself of why I decided to be with my guy. So I don't leave. I guess sometimes I don't apologise, maybe because it's not actually my fault that I feel like this (although I always try to acknowledge that it's not nice for him)! My guy has PTSD and he has had those moments of panic as well (and he almost never apologises either).

It can be hard to manage a mental illness and a healthy relationship at the same time. It's possible that your guy isn't maintaining well enough to fully participate in the relationship right now. Time will tell. The important thing is that he shows a continuing willingness to work on himself.

Have you told him how you feel, in a non-blaming, respectful way?

Remember to look after yourself :)

 

[mellysail]

Oh, itsallokay, I feel your pain.... My guy also won't admit when he's wrong, and he says some truly hurtful things to me. Today I was blamed for wearing a tee shirt from a 10K I did over the fall last year.... the Devil's Chase. Its in Salem, MA (home to the Salem Witch Trials) and its held on the Saturday before Halloween. I was wearing the shirt and he was angry at me because "I went to jail on Halloween.... don't you realize how bad a day that was for me?". Well.... 1) he went to the 10K to cheer me on, and 2) I've worn it a bunch of times before today.

The point of my sorry little tale is that the stress is always going to come through. I'm a masters of social work student, so I understand your pain.... I work with veterans at my internship and I still can't figure out how to communicate with the man I love so dearly.

My only advice is to continue your self care- exercise, movies, friends, pets, whatever it is that makes you happy. Sometimes a mental health professional can be a bit like the cobbler's children not wearing shoes- we can't see in ourselves what we would see in our clients.

Chin up and hugs.

 

[Owl2Julie]

it doesn't matter whether he has ptsd, bipolar, depression, or borderline personality disorder. What matters is if he treats you like an equal human being in this relationship. The term is 'mutual/mutuality'. When he refuses to apologize, when he uses his anger against you as a way to control you by making you feel guilty, these are signs that he believes he has more power than you, and that you have less power than him. And that is the way he wants it to stay. He doesn't want the power differential to change. He doesn't want a mutual share of power. He believes he should have all the power that he claims. How does that make you feel now? Well, imagine, years down the road, how broken your soul will be, after time and again, he assumes he has greater power than you. You will be broken, much more than you are now. You will not have enough self esteem to even reach out for help. And there won't be any help anyway, because you will not have friends. You won't have friends because you will have taken on the shame and blame that he deserves, and you have placed it upon your own shoulders, with the result that you will isolate yourself from family and friends. And then there is also the self-destructive internal voice that will increase. I recently read something like this online: 'You have fallen in love with his core being, and so you want to make the relationship work out. But his (ego) is way too damaging. It takes a lot more than being in love with his core being for a relationship to work.'
Also, the fact that he is ready and willing to drop you and forget about you, as if you mean nothing to him- you should look at that closely. He is saying that he is willing to move on, away from you, right now. Do you really want to be with a man who wants to move on? It will be a shock to realize this, but look at it closely!
Book about mutuality in relationships:
The Healing Connection: How Women Form Relationships in Therapy and in Life; Jean Baker Miller