Working On Myself Hurts

[Iam]

My therapist told me yesterday that she feels that both my husband and I are emotionally abusive to eachother. I admit that there are times when I am, but God it hurts to confront it in myself. She suggested we read a book by Beverly Engel called "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship". I told my husband what she said and suggested. He agreed to read the book. The hardest part is how validated he felt about the fact that she acknowledged that I have been emotionally abusive. Boy did he take the ball and run with it. I already felt that everything is all my fault because of my PTSD and since my diagnosis he doesn't miss a chance to point that out. He says he realizes that he has hurt me, but I don't think he believes he is abusive, just that I am overly sensitive because of my PTSD.

I feel so unbelievably hopeless today. Like I am trapped in a nightmare that I will never wake up from. I am trying to believe that when he reads this book that he will recognize not only what I do that is abusive, but also see what he does.

God I HURT........

 

[Jawn]

Iam, when he reads the book he will realize the mistakes he is making. I also suggest that you get him to consider seeing a therapist to help him deal with interacting with you. Both for his feelings and for how he treats you. If you want, have him talk to me and I can tell him how much it is helping me with my wife and maybe that would help him understand that he needs "help" too.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Thanks Jawn. Both my therapist have had him come in. Dale wants him to come in once a month, but Bob refuses to. His attitude is that I am the one with the problem and any changes he needs to make he can do on his own. He doesn't handle criticism well and I think this is his view of therapy. I have suggested that the two of you talk and he won't do that either. I am hoping that this book will help him understand that it would be beneficial for him to join me in therapy. If not all I can do is work on myself. I did tell him that today when he pointed out that he gets triggered too. I may have been wrong to say this but I said "I am sorry that you have been hurt too. At least I am working on my triggers." Oops.......seems I need a lot more work on how to communicate with him!

 

[Jade-]

Iam, instead of feeling hopeless, maybe you should be happy and grateful that your hubby has agreed to read the book. That's definitely a step in the right direction. It all sounds like good news and good progress to me. Now you can work on the emotional abuse issues together.

IMHO, I think you're taking something positive and turning into something totally opposite with your assumptions and worries. Obviously your hubby must think he is abusive at times, and wants to work on the relationship and make changes, otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to read the book.

You are very lucky that your husband is willing to do what's suggested and is trying to work with you instead of against you. I don't think you realize how lucky you are....

 

[Iam]

I agree with you Jade and I am trying to look at it from that point of view. I am scared. Scared that as we work on this stuff we are going to find that our relationship is irrepairable. That one of us, and it could be me, is going to decide to call it quits. This book certainly seems to lean on the side of eventually being healthy enough to walk away.

But you are right, my PSTD brain is focusing on the worst. He is willing to read the book. Hopefully he will do it with an open mind.

It seems that therapy just keeps bringing up more things that I am doing wrong and need to work on. Oh yeah....that's why I am in therapy ;)

 

[Jawn]

Iam try not to focus on the worst case scenario. Rather I think your husband will probably have a few "ah ha" moments when he reads the book. After reading the book he may decide he wants to go to therapy or to talk to someone walking in shoes like him.

Hang in there,

Jawn

 

[Iam]

:confused: I sure am hoping so :) I thought he left for work mad and wouldn't be calling me today. He did call and that makes me feel better.

 

[Iam]

I don't know.....as the T warned "Things get worse before they get better." I feel so confused. If I act outgoing and happy, I'm covering up because I was abused, if I am withdrawn I'm hiding because I was abused, if I'm over emotional, numb or anxious....it's because I was abused....Now I am told I am an abusive wife, again....... because I was abused. My T says we can't do EMDR on the trauma because my home isn't "safe enough", we have to work on that first. Shit, is it ever going to end?

Sorry, it is just so frustrating

 

[Tinyflame]

Iam I hate to say this- no, in my experience it will likely never really end, but it can change.

If you think about the good/ positive things, you could replace those with, for example 'If I act outgoing and happy, I am choosing to look beyond the abuse.." (etc). There's more to you than the negatives in the past or present: there is your bravery, your honesty, your good heart, your perseverance, your willingness to face this, your sense of humour, your dignity, your kindness- "you" and all your strengths.

Also I wouldn't fear, if the intent of this is to make you healthy and strong enough to walk away from what is bad, is that not a good thing? Because you wouldn't want to be in something bad. Because I would think that it would also help you to recognize and care for what is good- very likely your marriage if your husband is also willing to take responsibilty for his part, as are you.

-One day at a time, and hugs.-

 

[Iam]

**SIGH** Thanks Junebug. Yes, one day at a time. Tomorrow may look brighter. I know also that I need to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. How to do that when the evidence points to the negative though? I guess it is all about choosing to change and live differently.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sometimes I find it best to 'stop/ not think'.

 

[anni]

I know I didn't have the things in my last marriage that you perhaps have in yours which might make it so worth the fight, Iams. I keep scrolling up and reading, thinking I'm missing something but it does sound as if perhaps you're just plain feeling worse because he is somehow 'able' to point some kind of finger back at you? Yes, I understand he's reading the book, but can't help but feel this element has to make you feel really, really invalidated? My ex dragged me to several counselors, four I think, until he found one which would 'agree' with him that because of my PTSD, alllll the problems in the marriage were my fault. I sobbed all the way home that day, not only out of frustration but out of recognition that he would PULL this sort of thing. I heard about it endlessly, too- to be sure. In point of fact he was a control freak who did take flat advantage of someone sort of staggering under a heavy load of PTSD. He wasn't physically abusive like the last one but I heard all about what a dysfuctional, perrenial loser I was pretty much every day while HE was the only single person on the planet who could possibly save me. It was ALL over as soon as he had a PROFESSIONAL to back him up. Despite having had 3 others tell us he had terribly control issues and the marriage was in jeopardy, he chose this one since of course it gave him a big stick to use and he could become even worse-which he did in a big hurry.

I do not mean to imply too many similarities-I don't know your husband. I do know what it's like to be sort of further blamed, or feel like it, and have to justify all over again who the heck you are and why, and why maybe you're not so bad after all for God's sake. Enough. You are all of those things Junebug listed so perceptively and this peace you require is just plain deserved. I hope he does read the book and get what he's supposed to from it but I think I mostly wished to say that I hope whatever does transpire is what is BEST, most healing and good for YOU. You're awfully bright- you wrote 'how to you do that when evidence points to negative thoughts?' So true, and the only thing to add is that perhaps those negative things aren't so negative after all, if they show you the truth.

I am actually sorry so long. I just got frustrated for you, reading this. Gosh, you do deserve better, however that translates in your life.

MUCH peace to you.