Worried About Tomorrow - Dad's Birthday And Bbq

[Deleted member 26314]

I can't stop panicking about tomorrow. It's a barbeque with my boyfriend and a lot of his family, which would usually be fine. I get on with his parents fine and his sister and brother are nice. Only, other family members are coming as well as his older sister's friends (who are the stereotypical 'it' girl types).

I'd be fine, except there will be alcohol. Beer is a massive trigger for me, just the smell of it makes me freak out and want to curl up in a ball and cry. So that's first on my list of worries. Secondly, it's my dad's birthday tomorrow. I always get bleh on his birthday, but now it's worse since what happened (he was part of my trauma). So, that will certainly be interesting. And lastly, I don't do well with people in general. I'm quiet and reserved and his parent understand that and have a general idea as to why, but none of his other family members know that and I am worried about coming off as rude or unsociable. This is an important barbeque because some of the people I meet here, will be on holiday with me when I go with my boyfriend and his parents next month.

I can't stop worrying. Luckily my boyfriend is staying over at mine so I wont be able to back out in the morning, and since we have to leave really early, I wont get time to worry too much until I'm actually there. My boyfriend is really supportive, he said if I start to get upset or he can see I'm not okay, he'll make up some excuse and we can go inside and chill for a bit until I am okay to go back out.

Any advice? I really don't know what to do, I hate panicking this much.

(And on an extremely unrelated note, is it just me or does the word 'barbeque' look funny.. :p)

 

[GWhizz]

Hahaha I have to last at the last bit - I sometimes do that if I look at a word for long enough it doesn't seem right lol.

I find myself in similar situations at times, being reserved myself. The only thing I can do is have my partner stay with me so that he can try to include me in the conversation - though once or twice he's tried to push me outta my comfort zone which hasn't gone too well. It's really great that your boyfriend is understanding in this though. And the suggestion to go off together to chill out if things get too heavy, is a great idea.

I'm one of those people who is better one to one than in groups. It really takes me a while to 'feel people out' before I can relax and be myself. So I guess I too can come off as rude when it's totally social anxiety. All I can do is take baby steps and that's my advice to you. Don't overdo it to please his family. Have some gentle time getting to know them a little as you don't want to make yourself feel uncomfortable at the thoughts of going away with these people. Better do a little chit-chat and then busy yourself / take a break, than try push yourself when you're not comfortable at the risk of making yourself feel worse.

As to your Dad's birthday, I'm not sure how much contact you have with him and how you really feel about this. Though I had a similar incident just over a week ago. It was my Mum's birthday and I have not spoken to her since January. It was really emotional for me since it was also my partner's mother's birthday and he didn't get it at 1st why I didn't want to help him prepare a present / write a card to her. Even though I'm not speaking to my own mother for a good many reasons, I felt hurt as I know I'm the only one who ever remembered or bothered with her birthday. You could say I'm the only 'together' person in my family so no one else really cares or is thoughtful. So I felt bad I wasn't even sending her a card. Here I was making a card from my son to my partner's mum with his hand and footprints yet I couldn't do the same for my own mum. It just made me feel bad for her and sad that I have this void where my own family should be. Don't get me wrong, I know it's unhealthy to continue contact with them.

Anyway sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent but this is what I could relate. I really hope you enjoy some of tomorrow and your boyfriend and his parents sound as if they have your back. The rest (esp the 'it' girls) don't matter :-)

 

[BloomInWinter]

Is there any chance you can go for just a time to limit the stress?

Our presence at any function is a gift of our time we give to others. We can choose who and who not to give that time to, and we are never under any obligation to give it to someone if we will be harmed by it. This is especially true early in our healing, when we are very vulnerable and easily triggered.

It's ok to not be ok, and say "I'm just not up to it." Or, to have a time limit.

Once the drinking starts, most people will not notice the quiet ones around them. That can be a time when you could quietly excuse yourself.

If it was me, I'd talk to the boyfriend about what I could and could not do. A simple "that's too much for me right now" is all that should be necessary. We don't have to explain why. I'd go late, after it had started. I'd go in a separate vehicle if possible so I could leave when I needed to. I'd have a plan for leaving early, and set up a signal for my safe person which signals "I need to get out of here now."

I'd be sure to give the birthday person my full attention early, before the drinking starts, for just a few minutes so my presence is felt, then fade into the background helping with cooking or going for ice, or cleaning up, or watching over and entertaining the kids. I'd keep an eye out for a person who seems like a safe, quiet person and start a light conversation about what's going on in their life right now.

I'd go to the bathroom whenever I needed a break to calm myself. I'd carry a talisman in my pocket, such as my AA coin, to remind me that what I think about myself is truly what matters. I also learned to stop thinking anyone is thinking bad about me, because honestly, I'm just not that important to others.

I'd have some treat to look forward to afterwards, like a nice bath or renting a movie.

I've been there, many times. Nobody will be able to see the turbulent emotions you're feeling. People just look reserved, or down, or quiet when they are in public and they have PTSD, unless they are triggered into a flooding of adrenaline, then it comes out as irritable or angry.

But that's how it is with everyone. All of them have their issues too, but you're the one facing yours. That puts you a notch above those who don't see they have issues. Try to imagine a bubble around you that is 6 inches away from your body, and no negative stuff from anyone gets through that to you.

Good luck!

 

[scout86]

Everything BloominWinter said!

I always plan an "exit strategy" for events like that. I try to get there relatively early, so I can check in with the significant people before the crowd shows up. I tell them up front something like, "I'm sorry, I'll probably have to take off kind of early because I have something else I need to do later." (That being "get out before I can't stand it any more." LOL) Then I try to relax and focus on talking to individual people who are easy to be around. When the stress gets to be enough, I quietly make my exit, saying "good by" to the hosts, if they're not really busy, figuring no one's going to notice anyway if they are. Just knowing I have already set up a way to explain leaving makes the whole thing a lot easier for me.

Good luck & I hope you actually enjoy yourself!

 

[silkleaves]

I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow! I too am going to an event tomorrow that I'm dreading, my friends wedding. I agree with having an exit strategy.. My friends brother is taking me, and we have a solid plan. We arent going to be there for more than 2-3 hours, tops. And he said if at any time I'm ready to go, we go..he was like, if you scratch your nose, pull your ear, blink, whatever, I'm getting my car keys out and we are out of there! I really appreciate that, esp seeing how he doesn't even know about my PTSD or the extent to my issues...

Just knowing that there's a plan in place calmed me down a bit and has helped ease my nerves...so maybe talk about what your exit plan is in case it gets too overwhelming.