Worried, Confused And Really Hurt

[Venusian]

My dad is in the hospital. He was diagnosed with colon cancer a couple of weeks ago and he had his surgery on Thursday. The doctors think they got all of the cancer and all the scans they did shows that it hadn't gone anywhere else. He doesn't need chemo or even have to have a bag so they expected a full recovery. He was resting comfortably Thursday night and everything liked okay but then around midnight he had a massive heart attack. No one bothered to call me until nearly noon the next day, they called my daughter before they called me. My family lives in a different province, not near where I live.

I was going to fly there this morning but my mom doesn't want me there. I don't have anyone here and it is pouring rain, I can't even get out and walk. I don't have anyone to call, I don't have anywhere to go, no one to talk to about this. I don't know if my mom is in denial, that my dad might pass away or if they just don't want me around. I am devastated. I have been sick for a long time and only just recently been able to drive again. They don't live anywhere that I can fly there without having to rent a car and drive 2 or 3 hours to where they live. I needed to be around family but they don't want me around.

The past few weeks have been a nightmare. A person I knew a couple of years ago had been abducted and beaten pretty badly before she was able to get away. That was 4 weeks ago now, then the news about my dad having cancer and then a week ago a man I work with tried to commit suicide at work. He is still alive but has been unconscious this whole time. Another man I work with found him and called me to call 911 because he couldn't hold it together. It was a horrific scene that I can't help but think about. Now this.

I have been away from here for awhile, being on another site that I joined before this one dealing with the stuff that still comes up with my childhood. There is a woman who was new to that site that went through the same kind of thing I did at the same age. But it is hard talking about this because my dad wasn't my abuser. My dad was always there when I was growing up, oblivious to so much and didn't understand but he wasn't abusive and he tried. It was hard to look for support there and I need support because I won't find it with my family.

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel for you, so much is happening in your life and so fast! I wonder if your mother is concerned about you travelling, seeing as you so recently have again been able to drive, or is there some kind of other reason? If it is concern for you, that is a kind of love and not a shunning. Do you know if this is the case, or is it something else? Did she say why even? If not, maybe you should ask.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear @Venusian , massive prayers & hugs for you & your dad & family from here. :( :hug: Please know you have our support. If you need to go, go there, if necessary preface to your mom it's something you need to do. Try to remain matter of fact with her & calm. Even if you don't go there your love is with your dad.

Love to you. :( :cry: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Very sad news about your father and also the duration of time it took you to be notified. My grandfather did that with my grandmother (his way of protecting her from the rigors of family during her myocardial infarct) though I did convince him to allow my mother to come and be bedside so he could rest and they could take turns. My father did this also, in his own illness, though he relented and let my brother come to visit before he passed. He let me book a plane reservation, but just could not hang on til my visit and he told me so. I told him even if I didn't get to see him, I'd be okay. He passed the next day.

Any one of the issues - your friend, the attempted suicide of a coworker, and your dad is tough and heart and gut clenching. Perhaps your mother will relent when things are clearer or at least she'll let you talk on the phone in a voice message or so he can hear you?

 

[nursenurse]

Is it possible they have a misguided sense of protecting you because you have been unwell? Are there any friends you could stay with where they live? I don't know the dynamics of your family, or how well you cope, but the time to see someone is while they are alive, not at the funeral. I don't know if he is that ill, but he is your father. I wonder if the "they" includes him?

My heart goes out to you, this is just awful all around.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sorry for what you are going through. I really hope it will ease soon and the solutions will be found.

 

[scout86]

It would be nice if these situations weren't complicated!

I'm not at all sure what the family dynamics are, so maybe this won't be at all useful. As a family member, at least in the US (not sure about Canada) you can call the hospital, talk to the Dr's, and find out what's going on yourself. (I know because I've done it. It was the only way I was going to get any accurate information.) You can also call and talk to your dad, if he's up to it. At least you probably can. For the most part hospitals understand that support from distant family members is good, and believe it or not, they aren't usually surprised by weird family dynamics.

I'm not sure it matters if "they" want you there or not. What matters is your dad. If you want to go, go. Plan to not stay with your mom, I guess, and not to see much of "them", but he's your dad. It sounds like you have a good relationship with him and it seems like HE would want to see you.

People can try to protect who ever they want. Doesn't make it necessary or right. Talk to the Dr's & see what's really best for your dad. I think it will be a relief to hear how he's really doing too. (Most of the time people come through heart attacks ok, especially when they happen in the hospital.)

It's extra hard when stuff like this all happens at the same time, for sure! I hope things work out with your dad (and the other people you mentioned)!

 

[Friday]

This is something I posted on another forum from the other perspective / person was arguing with husband about whether or not to call mom before coming to the hospital because they thought she'd say no... And my response. I think all/most of it applies. Including that I'm so very sorry such a difficult situation is being made harder on you!

______

I'm so sorry a difficult situation is being made harder for all of you.

Having been the person in hospital... With my son being touch & go for several months:

I wouldn't want a call asking if they could/should come, but some would.
There's no "right" answer, ya know?

Why I didn't:
Some family members (undoubtedly well intentioned) didn't seem to realize that I was already stretched beyond capacity and if asked to make any kind of decision whatsoever,.. My answer was no. Not that I didn't necessarily want them there... But I was not going to be capable of

- Making that decision for them (a lot of people actually want to be absolved of guilt for not coming, or asked to come, or, or, or. As opposed to the ones, like you who are just trying to be polite & considerate).

- Arranging travel for them (no lie. Everything from payment, to arrangements, to putting them up in my own home, to feeding them. I. Am. Not. Capable. of taking care of a solely anyone else at this time).

- Entertaining them ((INCLUDING discussing any/all aspects of my son' s care with them. Whether or not they think they have a say in it, I've already discussed it 6am /4pm /9pm at rounds. With every specialist dropping by. With 4 shift change nurses. And with my friends who are living the hospital with me... Who understand stopping mid sentence to snag a nurse to talk about the J-Line, because THATS the nurse who totally rocks and makes stuff happen, or needing to duck out to look at him, or duck out to not be looking at him, or to be laughing myself silly talking about something that ISNT my dying child.))

- Fighting with them. People MEAN WELL, most of the time. But the better they mean, the more they want to fix it or help. If you haven't been living here with me, I don't want to hear "Have you tried..." Or "Have you thought of..." Or "You need to ask so & so" Or "Why aren't they doing XYZ.?" ESPECIALLY if we're already in palliative care.

- Referreeing between them & the doctors, nurses, staff that I have to live with, and that they will never see again in an hour. You don't know which of these docs has put their neck out, which nurse is an evil witch, which phlebotomist is in high demand. But visiting friends family almost always accost both them & me... Demanding instant information & understanding.

- Choosing & Decisions. With palliative care, those don't stop. There are still medical decisions happening daily (at rounds! And every single time something changes dramatically), including pain management, feeding, bathing, photography, the guy who has the in on headstone grants (Yeah. The things you get excited about, the guy who can get $6000 taken off your bill so you can afford a headstone)

Just. Can't. Do. It.

ESPECIALLY... As most visitors are coming for themselves.
To say goodbye.
For closure.
For one last bit of bonding.
They're NEEDY.

Which is NOT wrong.
And I'm NOT trying to dissuade you or your mum from saying goodbye to your uncle & brother.

It's just one more thing that the parent/spouse/next of kin is asked to deal with...
That they usually can't.
Or manage brilliantly on Tuesday, and end up screaming at everyone to just. go. away. on Wednesday.

So when people were kind enough to ask IF they could/should come?
Or my blessing?
I told them "Thankyou so very much, but no."

No.
Nope.
Nada.
Nein.
Nyet.

Because "no" requires no more thinking.
Ah.
An easy answer.
Yaaaaaay.

HOWEVER:

When people made their own decisions, arrangements, and then were AWESOME enough to inform me that they were in town and to ask when the best times to AVOID coming by? Whew! Easy. 6am, 4pm, 9pm I know I'm tied up. Otherwise it's hit or miss. There's still a lot of care & other issues going on, so you may end up,cooling your heels for a few hours. Bring a book. Or there's a good coffee shop. I'm in and out. Here's my hospital pager number. If I don't answer right away I'm in a meeting (or bathing, crying uncontrollably, negotiating 6k off of a headstone, eating pizza with friends, or in any other way unable to interact like a normal human being), head out for lunch or something, it will probably be a couple hours.

 

[nursenurse]

@FridayJones, this should be pasted above every hospital bed, or distributed to anyone entering a hospital. I have a penchant for words, this is brilliant, I could not say it any better :) I hope, Venusian, you are able to see the wisdom of the above post and act upon it :) Good luck, I hope all goes well.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I really feel for you and if I was you, in spite of everything odd going on at the same time. I would go and be with my dad. You are so much stronger inside now and having closure is so important. Who knows why your mom does not want you there. It is your family right to be with your dad and you have a good plan not staying with your mom. Hugs and healing energy.

 

[Venusian]

Thank you for all your replies and support. I was already on the website for flights and had the webpage open for a hotel and had my credit card out and messaged my brother that I was coming today. A minute later my mother called from their phone and told me not to come. She wants me to come when he is back at a smaller hospital close to where they live, or even back home. They live in a tiny town several hours out of the city so I would have to make the 10 hour trip by car. What they forgot to tell me when they called was that he already had a good prognosis and that he was serious but in a stable condition and the danger of him dying had passed. He was still in a medical coma this morning but they were letting him wake up today. Once he has they will determine the next steps.

Fridayjones, I do appreciate your advice and some people need to hear it. I wasn't expecting anyone to pay my way out or make arrangements for me or keep me entertained. I can do that for myself and was in the process of doing it. I was having all these overwhelming memories from when my father first had a heart attack 30 years ago. I was a new mother with a 3 month old daughter and could not get there for 2 weeks. My siblings made me feel like crap because I had to wait and make arrangements. Now I have the resources and I was scared, still am but my mom wants me to come down when my father won't have a hospital staff to help out. She was trying to be practical but had been up for over 24 hours and forgot some vital details about my dad's condition.

My relationship with my family is complicated. We aren't close and no one except my parents know what I went through as a child. There have been a lot of things they have done in the past that really hurt me when I needed them around but I still loved them. I was angry and still am confused about my childhood and learning how PTSD affected me and no one knew I had it. There are a lot of things that I can't talk to them about. I am having memories of when my grandmother passed away, she had been sick and went into the hospital but no one remembered to call me until after the funeral. They didn't even realize they did that and it felt like a punch in the gut when they mentioned it a month later. I was on the other end of the phone and they didn't see how it hurt. Just one more thing I didn't call them on.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I really feel for you about your grandmother and how your family treated you. The same thing happened to my mother in law when her brother died. She was so devastated and her relationship with her sister went bad after that so I have an inkling of what you went through.

I say follow your heart and trust your gut instincts and do not rely upon your mom. I am hoping for the best for you. Hugs.