Worried i am seen as manipulative

[BigBirdsSister]

We often hear of mental health professionals who believe that self harm "threats" and other self damaging acts are acts of manipulation of some kind...emotional or otherwise. I am terrified that my T thinks my self harming and tendency to mess with pills when distressed is manipulation. I rarely even tell her when I do it or when I want to do it.....I am too scared of worrying her or whatever. I don't know how to bring it up with her or how to explain to her I have no interest in manipulating her. The only thing I want from her or anyone really is to believe what happened me is true and to believe I am not exaggerating emotional pain. I can't shake this worry.

 

[Ronin]

Have you asked her how she views it?

& If she believes that about your distress, perhaps it's a time to find another therapist.

 

[ILoveLife]

I agree you should discuss that with her... I should do the same with mine about my issues.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

It's just me I think...I can't let go of it. I feel pure terror around it. My T is nothing but kind to me so I guess yeah I should just tell her how scared I am all the time.

 

[anonymous]

Don't do it unless you are ready to stop or introduce a big argument into your therapy. It's just my opinion but that's what always happened to me and I always regretted it. Really I totally understand the situation but it's like "I really want to trust my significant other/therapist with this thing they will understand." Then they smash you over the head with it and your like "help I want to get back to where I was before I opened my mouth!" That happened to me every single time and I'm a slow learner but I finally learned not to do that because that's actually self harm lol.

 

[scout86]

We often hear of mental health professionals who believe that self harm "threats" and other self damaging acts are acts of manipulation of some kind...emotional or otherwise

I may not hang out in the right places, but I can't say I've often heard that.

Picking it apart a little further, what do you think it means? Surely it can't be healthy for someone to be so desperate for attention that they resort to cutting? There have to be better ways to deal with those feelings, aren't there? The kind of thing you can learn from working with a good therapist?

 

[Ronin]

Scoutie brings a good point, above.

In that even if you were doing it 'for attention' - then the distress itself and that you resort to /that/ as a way to get help - is on itself signifying quite deep issues that are real & valid & needing to take care of without judgment. I'd take a therapist worth their pennies groks that much.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Yeah good point everyone lol, maybe I am not giving her enough credit and I am panicking over something that I really don't need to be worrying about. I am judging them by assuming they will judge me right?
I totally agree that anyone who does self harm "for attention" is going through some pretty intense distress.And in fairness, My therapist does have this view from what I have seen

 

[UnicornSightings]

Show her your initial post. The self-harm AND the belief that you think she thinks you're manipulative have to be addressed. I understand your anxiety around this but from someone who has taken the leap many, many times and said things I thought I would never say to another soul that it will be good for you. And if you find that (and this would be very surprising) she can't handle it, then that's really good to know so you can make your next choice. And my t urges me to tell her every time I'm mind-reading her. It's super awkward and ALWAYS wrong. So funny how we can torture ourselves over this kind of stuff. And everything we think THEY think we most likely believe or fear about ourselves. Or we have thought someone in our past believed those things. Psychology is fascinating...

 

[futurefocussed]

I used to be seen as a manipulative attention seeker and some still believe I have that tendency, however this is something I wrote recently.

numerous times they accused me of attention seeking despite physical evidence that something was wrong, swollen ankles, asthma attacks, abscess in the mouth, they wouldn't do anything because it was seen as a lie and that i was just after attention.

when i finished there though i saw anything physical as attention seeking, ever asking for help as attention seeking, that it was my job to be invisible and do everything on my own.
turns out they were wrong again.

i got given this example this morning, that imagine you were in a car accident, wrapped around a pole and you were seriously injured, yes you need attention, yes you are seeking attention not to manipulate people but because you actually need help! and that's not allowed? that you just pray it and it'll go away?

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but sometimes you need it. sometimes you need attention.

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take the car accident example, their answer, don't call an ambulance, pray yourself out of the car, pray and the bleeding will stop, just pray, but dont call an ambulance, don't 'seek attention'

No I don't believe self harm is a form of manipulation, yes attention seeking, but it's because you need the attention because something is wrong, whether it's a car crash or the hidden scars of abuse, both need attention.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Good idea to show her the post, I'll try that. I think I can get this up on my phone. its very likely my fears came from a past experience so that makes sense

I agree with you @futurefocussed its certainly not manipulative. We do need the attention,. I can relate to feeling like its your job to feel invisible. It's a horrible isolating feeling.

I'm sorry for forgetting to tag people and the short replies, I'm still feeling emotional

 

[kilted]

If you are anxious about telling your therapist, it's hardly an indication of being manipulative... quite the reverse. It's one of those things that good therapists take in their stride.

That being said, there are quite a few anxious therapists out there who get freaked by suicidal ideation and self harm. Best to discover if your therapist is one of those early in therapy!

You can bring it up matter of factly.... by asking the therapist what their policy is on suicide/selfharm. you may find that the therapist is OK with it but the practice rules say they must disclose. Once again... worth knowing where one stands as a client with these things!