Worried It Will Be The Same

[Deleted member 37720]

I'm starting therapy again soon and I'm worried it will be like last time. My last T would let you know how she felt about you with dirty looks and stuff. T once found out I lied to her about sleep and gave me an evil stare for really long while I was leaving. I have super bad social anxiety so it took me a while to respond to her questions and she would stare at me like "Could you be any slower?" When my mom wasn't there she made me do little kid puzzles and would judge me on my every move when solving it which would have me on the verge of crying. I have a mental disability which makes me not be able to control my muscles perfectly and she wanted me to use my non dominant hand and with and mental disability and being so anxious it was pretty much impossible. If I did I would just end up dropping or throwing the piece which would be super embarrassing. I'm also queer and she said my sexuality was fake and that hopefully she could help me find a more real one. So yeah that T was pretty bad and I'm kinda afraid to be going back now.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@PuzzledLuke , just to clarify, you aren't going back to the same T are you? You're starting with a new one but afraid it will turn out the same? (Just want to make sure I am interpreting correctly.) One bad therapist doesn't mean they are all bad (thankfully). There's no way to guarantee you'll fit well with the next one, but hopefully it will be an improvement and if not, find someone new and keep trying until you find the best fit for you. I am doing the same thing with finding a medication manager. I am going to meet a new one today and am really hoping that she will be a lot better than the last one I had who did not treat me well. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 37720]

No I'm going to a random person at a clinic. I will know know nothing about them not even what their voice sounds like until the first appointment actually starts.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@PuzzledLuke , that can definitely be scary (I am doing the same thing with the med. manager), but I hope it works out for you.

 

[LadyZane]

That therapist sounds pretty terrible. Finding a good fit can really be a process of trial and error, which is really hard to tolerate when we have mental health issues, but know that you do NOT deserve to be treated like that. I know I was so used to being treated poorly throughout my life that for a long time I just unconsciously assumed that if I didn't like the way a therapist was treating me, it must be some sort of misalignment on my part. Or it was just that my expectations were incorrect, or I was just plain annoying. Once I even sat through a session crying because I felt like nothing I said or did mattered to anyone and people kept blowing me off -- and in the middle of it, she got up and went to her desk and started doing paperwork with her back to me!! (She was a student I was seeing through a university program for grads to get their certification hours, and I can only hope she's improved since then.)

Now I finally realize there's nothing "wrong" with me or what I want, and it's these people's job to *^@#$ help me understand myself and give me tools to cope with my difficulties. If they're bad at it, I can ditch them, just like a bad mechanic or a bad dry cleaner.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Can you take anything into the appointment with you to help steady you, like a small polished stone, small stuffed animal or coin that you could keep in your pocket? Something of yourself to hold onto since you don't know what you're walking into?

Also, breathing and grounding techniques before you go in. Maybe reframe your thinking to "Okay, I'll give this a shot, but these are my deal-breakers." I'm not sure of your age so am unsure of the following advice is applicable or not, but if you feel uncomfortable with the new therapist then tell him/her you'd like to leave. If you have a car, take off. If you have to wait on your mom to pick you up, then wait in the waiting room, not in the office.

I've been with a sadistic therapist such as you described, but I was an adult (well, part of me was). I would have done well to follow the advice above. I'm glad you are no longer seeing such a person. Therapists are here to help, not glare, judge, or cause distress in the ways you've described above. Shame on her. I hope you see her for what she was and move forward in getting the help you need. Hoping the new therapist is miles ahead in training, compassion, and professionalism. VB