Relationship Worst emotional storm ever - not sure if i should stay?

[Lurner]

Lumer, I’m pretty worried about you. You have a very high level of denial about how serious this s...

Thank you Justmehere!!! This is so valuable to me and I realy thank you very much for your timr to answer so many questions wiwth lots of patience and very clearly. Your advice seems to me to be very sensible and it makes a lot of things much clearer for me. I think its right I cant take responsibility for the way my gf reacts but also that Im maybe not ding her a lot of favors by staying and hoping things will get better. You have made me think really about how these blow ups get worse and worse and I really worried that it could be more violent next time.

Your advice about talking about PTSD is very very helpful also. Reading what you wrote makes me understand Im not the right person to make diagnosis and alos it can just give an excuse about her behaviour and then I will still need to be understanding when her acts are feeling very abusive to me.

If I don’t talk about PTSD do you think its good to talk about boundaries when things are calmer? Is it helpful if I say next time thos happens Im going to leave for a few hours so she knows Im going to do it even if she gets really angry when it happens.

With your comments and replies from other people here I can see I need to think a lot if I can stay in this relationship or that I need to leave. It is very very difficult because I love her and don’t want her to ahev the pain of another person leaving her like has happened before but I also see that it may be the best thing for obth of us and very much for me because I am feeling lots of my own trauma from this.

Thank you really for helping me with your advice.

 

[Lurner]

“When things get calm is it okay to say I know its the PTSD that makes this happen”


I think...

Thank you very much for this thought. It makes lots of sense and makes me see that I am keeping on looking for a reason to make it okay and to try and stay with her but I need to start to face what is happening even if it is very very hard to do.

 

[Lurner]

Hi @Lurner I am really glad that you found this place and posted about what you ar...

Thank you Bearlinda I dont feel you are judging me. The advice from everyone here is so helpful and is helping me see things much clearer. From what you say and what others have posted Im seeing that I need to make my own boundaries about what behavior I cant accept and I cant fix this only she can do that for herself. I really have appreciated your comment.

 

[Justmehere]

If I don’t talk about PTSD do you think its good to talk about boundaries when things are calmer? Is it helpful if I say next time thos happens Im going to leave for a few hours so she knows Im going to do it even if she gets really angry when it happens.

This is a tough one. I think you need to get a professional involved directly with the situation and helping you leave because she is so violent. Even if you communicate it all in a calm moment, the possibility for her to escalate is very real. She’s excepted when you have tried to leave before and convinced you to stay, even when you were getting traumatized.

A calm moment is a better time than when she is irate. Remember that boundaries are not about controlling her or anyone else. I’d suggest using the language, “when you..., I feel.... I need.... so if you... I will...” - like, “when you yell I feel afraid and I need to feel safe, so if you yell, I will choose to leave.” She could rake this badly. If actually suggest having this conversation not home alone with her, but in a public place. Like a diner or something.

It is very very difficult because I love her and don’t want her to ahev the pain of another person leaving her like has happened before but I also see that it may be the best thing for obth of us and very much for me because I am feeling lots of my own trauma from this.

The pain of another person leaving is likely to be helpful to her, not harmful in the way that you might think. It’s a way for her to face a natural consequence for her violent behavior, that might motivate her to change.

And yet in the moment, I know this is really hard to believe. It is also going to be hard because you do clealry love and care about her. Try to love her enough to let her go.

Your traumatized state may also make it harder to leave. When someone physically harms a partner, the partner can develop what is called trauma bonding. I’ve been trauma bonded to an abusive partner myself. It’s a weird and confusing thing to look back on. Most victims of domestic violence have some level of trauma bonding. It’s actually typically harder to break up from abusive partners because of trauma bonding than non-absuive partners without trauma bonding in the mix. The fact that you feel so strongly pulled to stay - that might be a bit of trauma bonding.

Work with the professionals in your life and/or at domestic violence shelter about how to leave.

Many abusive partners will escalate when they are afraid someone will leave or when they try to leave, and she’s already shown a pattern of doing this.

The more you can reach out for support for you, the better. This is hard stuff! :hug: