Five hours of puking the contents of my brain onto page after page in my journal, this is some of what came out..
Your lust for me
killed the trust in me.
Every word a broken plea,
only wanting to be free.
Your touch was pain,
your love my chains.
My blood leaving stains,
from my own disdain.
There is no search for apology,
only the desire to flee.
Always looking for the key,
so maybe, one day, I'll be free.
My tears fall as acid rain,
all it touches, life is drained.
Your actions were inhumane,
in their wake, I lie insane.
Because of you I'm filled with hate,
my young skin used as bait.
Every hour as life's inmate,
I wait for the moment I detonate.
I've tried so hard to obtain,
anything that could explain.
For every scream from my you gained,
you only seemed more entertained.
If your plan was to create,
a girl who lives a stalemate,
then it's you who I congratulate,
for pain, my life, does narrate.
Every day I live in fear,
through jaded eyes, sight is never clear.
Memories of you do persevere,
my innocence, your souvenir.
Forever I tried to compensate,
doing my best to negate.
My body you did desecrate.
My life, no choice, but to mutate.
I polish my veneer,
every day, every year.
You became the engineer
of every dream, every tear.
Because of you, life is my jail,
never able to post bail.
These high walls I try to scale,
knowing, always, I will fail.
I want so much to disappear,
from this world so insincere.
Some will try to interfere,
but I'll never truly let them near.
My mind, it seems, grows ever frail,
my skin paper thin and ever pale.
With thoughts of you, my mind derails,
my chest aching with each inhale.
Societies rules I must abide,
my nails dig in as I endure the ride.
Nevermore do I own pride,
into the shadows I go to hide.
It seems that life itself grows stale,
I try to escape to no avail.
At night my brain, the dreams impale.
I pray to never know details.
Happiness I've been denied,
thoughts of you are homicide.
Feelings of loss are amplified,
you, my private genocide.
Who I could have been is lost.
My life, for your joy, was the cost.
Where warmth should thrive, there's only frost,
my skin, forever more, embossed.
In the end, I must confide,
in my heart I'm mortified.
Of you, forever petrified,
never to be purified.
Years ago I should have testified,
but inside I was terrified.
So on my right at my bedside,
lay my blade, my suicide.
So I die, undignified.
