Worth A Try

[J.A.S.]

Your face is everywhere...
Your smell is everywhere...
You are everywhere.

I can't do this.
I don't want to do this.

 

[J.A.S.]

"It gets better," so they say,
so I try to make it through the day.
The sun in the sky keeps the shadows at bay,
at night, the doubts in my mind replay.

Every night I lie awake,
my sanity at stake.
Thoughts of you my mind does break,
you've caused my very soul to ache.

When I look in the mirror, all I see,
are the scattered pieces you left of me.
With bleeding hands I collect the debris,
my hollow eyes hold my pleas.

"It gets better," that's what I pray,
while inside my soul decays.
My pain, it seems, is on display,
if only I could fade away.

 

[J.A.S.]

They want me to go to church today.
C and his kids are staying with grandpa and they wants us to all go to mass together.

What the hell am I supposed to do?!?
If I just say no, they'll ask why..and I don't know what I could tell them that wouldn't come off the wrong way...I could use work as an excuse I guess.
I wanna see the kids, I really do, but I can't go back there.
You'll be there, I know you will...and now that I remember? No.
I can't do it.
I won't survive it.

 

[J.A.S.]

I shouldn't have gone I shouldn't have gone at all it was stupid. so f*cking stupid why did I go? why didn't I just make an excuse?...but they wanted me to go and I didn't want them to be upset so I went but I shouldn't have gone..i knew he'd be there. he knows now..he's gotta know that I know..he smiled and I ran and I cant freaking breath. cant breath cant move cant anything..but ive got work in an hour so I have to make it go away but I cant. nothings working it doesn't matter. tried to scrub it all away..scrub him away but it didn't work he's still there, still gross. cant color cuz shaking too much..just cant. cant make it stop cant make my stupid brain shut up I need it to stop..
please make it stop

 

[J.A.S.]

This makes me sick. All of it. He makes me sick..I make myself sick..
I can't tell..I can't.

It's my fault..

 

[J.A.S.]

Blank pages with empty lines
Racing thoughts blur my mind.
Hours pass with pen in hand
Why it happened I'll never understand.

My tattered soul your hands did shred
The image of you never leaves my head.
My body is no longer my own
Your ghost hands never leave me alone.

Your sins consume my every thought
If only peace could be bought.
You took away who I could have been
Created this devastation that lives within.

I have no idea who I am
It seems my life remains a scam.
Memories haunt my every dream
You're the reason behind my screams.

I try to remember my reasons for trying
I feel as if inside I'm dying.
Your name's a brand on my shattered heart
Thoughts of you tear me apart.

I search constantly for a reason why
I search for stars in an empty sky.
My guilt is eating me alive
Within, my self-hatred thrives.

 

[J.A.S.]

Is this what it's going to be like? Is every holiday or event going to become tainted with memories of you?
I used to love fireworks. The colors, the excitement...I spent the entire night curled up in a ball, flinching at every pop because I could feel your hands on me.
How much more are you going to take away from me before this is all over? Did you leave me anything?

 

[J.A.S.]

Honestly have no idea what I'm doing...
I'm okay, but I'm not...
I'm trying to be..
I wish I was.
I wish I could be the person I'm pretending to be.. But I'm not.. and I don't think I can be.

 

[J.A.S.]

I haven't written in here for a while...haven't written at all in a while.
It's like I've reached this point and I'm just..stuck.
I've sat with pen in hand for hours, staring at my journal trying to write something, anything, but nothing comes out anymore.
There's still so much going on in my head, and I'm so tired all the time of putting on this act...I smile and laugh and joke with co-workers and family..but inside it's always there...there's no avoiding it in my head. I went to a race this weekend with my friend, the one who knows. We had a great time, and it was truly helpful. When I'm around her I feel like it's okay to have this stuff in my head..i actually feel relaxed, and have a good time without having to fake anything.
We stayed the night at a hotel, and come late-night my head kinda won out and had me thinkin about it..about him..but for the most part that stuff stayed in the background and I did my best to focus on just having a good time with my friend.
I just wish it could be like that more often...that I could find a more permanent distraction from it all because I cant just lean on her constantly..i know she's there for me but she's going to school, and work, and has her own stuff going on..i cant put all of that on her. it's not fair to her.

 

[Stickler]

It really pisses me off that he has wrecked so much, because none of this is your fault at all.

And there he is enjoying his life with his smug little pissant self.

...Just noting...

 

[J.A.S.]

Thanks stickler..it's hard for me to be pissed sometimes, because of what i'm feeling but i'm working on it..trying to believe i'm worth the anger

 

[Stickler]

I think you're worth my outrage.

I have so much to give.