Worth A Try

[J.A.S.]

Thanks stix..it means a lot

 

[J.A.S.]

I don't come around all that much anymore...
I know I should..and I miss talking to the friends I made on here..but when I come here then it's harder to pretend it's not real.
It is real, I know that...and I know i'm just lying to myself these days but it's kept me going..kept me alive.
I'm good at pretending. I guess I have been for a long time..it became second nature for a while when I was youger...it got really hard, when I first started remembering..but I'm getting back into the routine of it now.
Force a smile, say I'm fine, respond when spoken to, go to work like a good little robot, try to be productive so they don't question too much...then do it all over again. No one sees it. Maybe i'm just that good an actress..or maybe they just don't want to see it. I don't know.

 

[J.A.S.]

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I'm starting to lose time..just random blips, like I'll be at home after a shift, but I don't remember being at work...the only other time this ever happened was right before my first suicide attempt.. I thought I'd left the severe dissociation issues behind but they're starting again.
I had gotten into a routine of sorts. I'd been managing to get four or five hours a night up until a week ago...the dreams still come but they hadn't been as bad, no new memories had surfaced for over a month..but I got lazy. I let my guard down, and I remembered more.
I'm just so tired of it. All of it. Remembering what should've stayed gone...feeling it all over again, not sleeping, not eating... all the while working a full time job and keeping the people in my life ignorant of just how bad I've gotten.
I thought about killing myself yesterday.
I mean...I've thought about suicide multiple times over the years, but never seriously since my attempt. I've always been too scared of the unknown, the big ole "what's after"...but yesterday...
I wrote letters to people. Told them I loved them, tried to explain why, hell I even wrote down a few items I wanted given to certain people...but I'm just too damned scared. It doesn't matter how much pain I'm in..it doesn't matter that I can't stand being in my own skin anymore, that I can't face my own reflection. I'm too f*cking scared to end it and I have no idea what that means for me now.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Oh, Ink... :hug:

I can't tell you that there's so much to live for or any of that crap. I can say that, after a lifetime of wanting to die, I have finally reached a place where life has more appeal than death. It's a pretty cool feeling, and I want you to experience it too.

I would be so sad if we lost you. :'(

 

[J.A.S.]

That's the thing, I don't want to die...I just don't want to live like this anymore, and I don't know what to do about it...about any of it.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

That's pretty much what I told my therapist yesterday. I'm healing from the trauma, but being suffocated by feelings of loss and longing. I don't want to live like this anymore, either. His answer? Mindfulness. :p