Sufferer Would be helpful to not feel alone

[jnfrapplegate]

Hello to all. I just found this site and am so glad I did. I suffered extreme narcissistic abuse from my parents growing up and then married a narcissist and stayed married to him for 27 years. At 49 yo I walked away from my narcissistic husband. In doing so I lost my adult son, and my now two grandsons - one of whom i have never met. My son took his father's side in the divorce. My parents, although they hated my husband the entire time we were married, also turned their back on me by stirring the pot, refusing to help me when I left, and have even provided my ex substantial amounts of money throughout the divorce. I left him 4.5 years ago now. I do fairly well most days with some moments/triggers that are extremely crippling. It will be very helpful to not feel alone when the rough days get me down and the anxiety is overwhelming.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello and welcome to myptsd.com! I'm so glad you found this community - a place where you can connect with others who have had similar experiences and understand what you're going through. It sounds like you have been through a tremendous amount of trauma, both in your childhood and your marriage. I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your adult son and your strained relationships with your parents. It must be incredibly challenging to navigate these difficult family dynamics.

It's completely normal to have good days and moments that are more challenging. Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and it often takes time. The important thing is that you're reaching out and seeking support. Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can be incredibly valuable in helping you feel less alone and finding strategies to cope with the anxiety and triggers.

In addition to the peer support you'll find here, I also encourage you to consider seeking professional help if you haven't already. Trauma-focused therapy can provide you with the tools and support you need to heal and move forward. A qualified trauma therapist can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage the anxiety and triggers.

On myptsd.com, you'll find different forums where you can connect with others who have experienced narcissistic abuse, are dealing with relationship issues, and much more. There are even specific forums for topics like PTSD, CPTSD, and healing strategies. I hope you'll take the time to explore the site and participate in the discussions that resonate with you.

Remember, you don't have to face this journey alone. We're here to support you, listen to you, and validate your experiences. Feel free to reach out whenever you need a listening ear or some advice. Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community!

 

[DarkVixen]

Hello to all. I just found this site and am so glad I did. I suffered extreme narcissistic abuse from my parents growing up and then married a narcissist and stayed married to him for 27 years. At 49 yo I walked away from my narcissistic husband. In doing so I lost my adult son, and my now two grandsons - one of whom i have never met. My son took his father's side in the divorce. My parents, although they hated my husband the entire time we were married, also turned their back on me by stirring the pot, refusing to help me when I left, and have even provided my ex substantial amounts of money throughout the divorce. I left him 4.5 years ago now. I do fairly well most days with some moments/triggers that are extremely crippling. It will be very helpful to not feel alone when the rough days get me down and the anxiety is overwhelming.

Been there, nothing like the further betrayal by parents who well were never really parents anyways to side with your abuser. Here's how I dealt with it, when you have all the facts and you are still standing by an abuser against your own child, its your choice and doesn't reflect on the child but on the nonexistent parent to commit more abuses. Its just a reflection on how bad they are as parents and just confirms what you already knew about them.
Be glad that they aren't in your life and that you have two less toxic people to deal with. Can you imagine going through those bad days with toxic parents just adding only worse to the situation. Give it time and you will be okay with it and there are lots of people who get it and understand.

 

[jnfrapplegate]

Been there, nothing like the further betrayal by parents who well were never really parents anyways to side with your abuser. Here's how I dealt with it, when you have all the facts and you are still standing by an abuser against your own child, its your choice and doesn't reflect on the child but on the nonexistent parent to commit more abuses. Its just a reflection on how bad they are as parents and just confirms what you already knew about them.
Be glad that they aren't in your life and that you have two less toxic people to deal with. Can you imagine going through those bad days with toxic parents just adding only worse to the situation. Give it time and you will be okay with it and there are lots of people who get it and understand.

Thank you and you are so correct. The difficult piece of this healing puzzle now is learning who I really am. Finding the confidence to take new steps to grow and not fall into the comfort zone of a new survival status. I only have one son. He married a female version of his father, my ex. When I see my son in town or pass him on the road I am flipped off, chased down, called horrible names. The pain is real. I just smile and wave or tell him I love him with a smile on my face. I refuse to let him know he is breaking me. He doesn't deserve that satisfaction. Prior to leaving my husband of 27 years I was experiencing 100's of Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures daily. Post divorce I rarely have any seizures and if I do, they are seconds long and never disabling anymore. I am trying to learn to grow and figure out who I really am. My identity was always in being his mom and a wife. Sometimes it is frustrating how long the healing process takes.

 

[DarkVixen]

Thank you and you are so correct. The difficult piece of this healing puzzle now is learning who I really am. Finding the confidence to take new steps to grow and not fall into the comfort zone of a new survival status. I only have one son. He married a female version of his father, my ex. When I see my son in town or pass him on the road I am flipped off, chased down, called horrible names. The pain is real. I just smile and wave or tell him I love him with a smile on my face. I refuse to let him know he is breaking me. He doesn't deserve that satisfaction. Prior to leaving my husband of 27 years I was experiencing 100's of Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures daily. Post divorce I rarely have any seizures and if I do, they are seconds long and never disabling anymore. I am trying to learn to grow and figure out who I really am. My identity was always in being his mom and a wife. Sometimes ist isq frustrating how long the healing process takes.

I know you don't want to hear this.

Your son does not have his shit together if he's been flipping you the bird for 4 years. He's from a dysfunctional family. This is how dysfunctional families work. A dysfunctional family you were a part of and you inherited from your dysfunctional family.

As a mother you love your son I'm sure but the real issue is the family dysfunction.

A therapist can help you unravel all the parts of your dysfunctional families. I found that so helpful because what you see on the inside looks so much different then if you saw it from the outside. She was able to help me understand the behavior of my siblings as well as myself and it helped me to forgive and let go of a lot of resentment.

Another thing I found really helpful was learning about the victim triangle. And how a dysfunctional family works. My dysfunctional family I build myself with my children's father was eerie how it followed exactly this dynamic. Even the conclusion most victims of domestic violence escape when something causes a shift in power. That was me to a tee. Maybe it can help you.

 

[Aprilshowers]

Think of yourself as a newly-emerged butterfly or a just-budding rose. I have a dear friend who cared for her dying narcisstic husband for 20 years. It was a long, brutal battle as caregiver, servant, nurse, maid, and emotional-abuse taker. He passed away last spring. She was lost for a couple of months. She has slowly realized she is free to discover who she is and wants to be...to be independent and to have the life she wants. It has been so wonderful to watch this butterfly stretch her wings and begin to fly. You'll get there.

 

[Catlyn]

Welcome to the forum:)

Mahalo ...

 

[Rose White]

The pain is real. I just smile and wave or tell him I love him with a smile on my face. I refuse to let him know he is breaking me. He doesn't deserve

As someone whose sons were abusive to her after leaving a husband who showed signs of NPD, I feel compelled to say that if you are saying “I love you” and waving but internally resenting him that disconnect between your feelings and your behavior will do a number on your mental health. Believe me, any response you give provides him with satisfaction, as you are engaged in a drama triangle with him and his dad. It’s a shit ton of work to disengage and unravel the enmeshment but you can do it!

Welcome to the forum, hope you find healing and a space to process here.

 

[jnfrapplegate]

As someone whose sons were abusive to her after leaving a husband who showed signs of NPD, I feel compelled to say that if you are saying “I love you” and waving but internally resenting him that disconnect between your feelings and your behavior will do a number on your mental health. Believe me, any response you give provides him with satisfaction, as you are engaged in a drama triangle with him and his dad. It’s a shit ton of work to disengage and unravel the enmeshment but you can do it!

Welcome to the forum, hope you find healing and a space to process here.

Thank you so much for your feedback. That is exactly what I need to hear. It is so hard to know what to do or how to react. I do love my son more than anything. However, I do not love his behavior. Facing reality is so painful. I was the engaged mom who did everything for my son. He was my whole world. There was nothing more I wanted than to be a mom. I wasn't even medically supposed to have children so he was a miracle. My heartbreak is so hard to manage sometimes. Again, thank you for the reinforcement.

I know you don't want to hear this.

Your son does not have his shit together if he's been flipping you the bird for 4 years. He's from a dysfunctional family. This is how dysfunctional families work. A dysfunctional family you were a part of and you inherited from your dysfunctional family.

As a mother you love your son I'm sure but the real issue is the family dysfunction.

A therapist can help you unravel all the parts of your dysfunctional families. I found that so helpful because what you see on the inside looks so much different then if you saw it from the outside. She was able to help me understand the behavior of my siblings as well as myself and it helped me to forgive and let go of a lot of resentment.

Another thing I found really helpful was learning about the victim triangle. And how a dysfunctional family works. My dysfunctional family I build myself with my children's father was eerie how it followed exactly this dynamic. Even the conclusion most victims of domestic violence escape when something causes a shift in power. That was me to a tee. Maybe it can help you.

I do want to hear these things. I cannot heal without facing the hard parts. I have been feeling stuck lately and somedays the heartbreak of losing my son and grandsons is more than I can handle. The hard stuff and reality is what helps us grow beyond the "comfort zone" of what we have always known. The cycle has to break even if it is only for myself. I can't help my son if he doesn't communicate with me. Realizing that his choice at 31 years old is so hard. He is definitely continuing the cycle. He doesn't have his shit together. I can clearly see that. It makes me sick. I have to let this go I just don't know how. Thank you a million times for replying!!!!!

 

[DarkVixen]

I do want to hear these things. I cannot heal without facing the hard parts. I have been feeling stuck lately and somedays the heartbreak of losing my son and grandsons is more than I can handle. The hard stuff and reality is what helps us grow beyond the "comfort zone" of what we have always known. The cycle has to break even if it is only for myself. I can't help my son if he doesn't communicate with me. Realizing that his choice at 31 years old is so hard. He is definitely continuing the cycle. He doesn't have his shit together. I can clearly see that. It makes me sick. I have to let this go I just don't know how. Thank you a million times for replying!!!!!

Exactly, the only person who you are in control of how they feel, is you. Part of a dysfunctional family is that confusion between caring and controlling. It's a lot harder for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families to know the difference. In our own behaviors and in others. If it feels like a power struggle then its most likely a power struggle. Don't get sucked in and definitely don't try to use guilt to gain some control. Just don't be in it. As hard as that might be. We are all toxic when we are in the victim/drama triangle.