Yikes.

[Privateer]

Thanks. It's driving me crazy, if you'll pardon the expression.

I think the loneliness is the worst. Even worse than the fear.

 

[JustBe]

Yes, sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore.

 

[Privateer]

I'm sorry if I bring up anything...I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

 

[james999 7/7]

Okay, this is weird. All of a sudden I feel very, very lonely and sad...well, beyond 'sad', actually.

Mate you are not alone. I'm here for ya buddy. I too am feeling the same but time in my experience is not a great healer when it comes to PTSD. Only counseling and treatment by mental health professionals will get you back to some sort of normality but you will probably never be that guy again. Just remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[JustBe]

Sharing how you feel doesn't make me feel bad.

 

[Privateer]

I just...sometimes I feel a bit woozy and I get confused and frantic and I don't know what's happening really, but I'm sure it must be bad and it's almost certainly my fault.

Mind you, it's 0145 local time, so that might have something to do with it. Long dark watches of the night, eh?

I was going to say 'I wish my wife were here', but I don't, really. I don't like talking about this with her. I just feel so ashamed of it all.

I nearly made a widow out of her down at the river the other night, but I chickened out.
I just want to do what's best for her, but I have no idea what that is. We were planning to start a family soon, but I've gone and scuppered that, haven't I?

 

[heidi]

Hey, sorry you're feeling so bad. Never feel like you have to apologize for anything. I know what you mean though the drama-lamas and not wanting to be that person. You're not that person though. It's a tough thing. Have you checked out anthony's combat PTSD site? I think there is a link to it up on the top.

 

[Privateer]

I actually picked my problems up in a Search and Rescue incident, rather than combat. I think my mind has latched on to my military service as being the time I felt most stable and confident. I knew what I was all about then, you know?

I don't feel able to post on the Combat PTSD site for that reason. Well, that and the fact that I'm a worthless coward who left his guys behind. I'm not fit to be in the company of soldiers. I'm a disgrace.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think surviving military service is a disgrace Privateer. The intention is not that people shouldn't make it back home.

 

[Privateer]

I shouldn't have left them. I shouldn't be here while they're over there.

That's not any reflection on anybody who's done their time and come home, it's just my feelings about myself. I hadn't done enough. I should have stayed.

 

[heidi]

Are you sure about not checking out the combat forum? It just seems like it's a lot of the same issues.

 

[Privateer]

Really? Maybe I should. Do you think they'd have me?

I mean, they might find my being there a bit offensive, you know?