General You cant handle the truth

[grimalkin]

How have you come to terms with what your sufferer has done? How do you deal with what happened to them? when they confess something horrible to you, how do you accept that this is someone you thought you knew and they are ...insert word here?

That was the other part I was missing! @Muttly has it - For my sufferer, he didn't "do" anything. Things were done TO him. Awful things. Things no child should have to go through.

In his lifetime, he has had to be violent, and that violence took its toll (though not as much as his childhood did). I don't judge him for that, either. How could I? I wasn't there in the moment and violence was a danger of his job(s).

And those in the military (or any other dangerous job that requires split second decisions)? They do what they need to. Sure, there may be a pay grade in which there is ultimately no excuse for what they force other people to do (or are responsible for a lack of training or support, be it monetary, psychological, or physical, that lands the people under them in dangerous situations with not enough options or care after they are pushed into impossible situations), and ALL of us, as human beings, have an obligation to at some point to self-reflect on what we have done and what we will do in the future (and I'm talking like neo-Nazis. Self-reflection is needed, along with a punch to the teeth...but that's another topic ENTIRELY :devilish:).

And for the people on the ground who had to carry out those impossible situations? I can not judge.

I guess my point is: I don't judge my sufferer (and I try to extend that to everyone) for what he's done in the past (and definitely not for things that were done to him). The past is past. We can't change it. The only thing we can do is decide how to move forward.

I do, however, hold my sufferer accountable for his actions and the choices he makes *now*. Symptomatic from PTSD? He can't help that. Refusing to actually get help? That I hold him accountable for. Running away from the people he loves and who love him because he won't learn how to not run? I hold him accountable for that, because there is a way through it. Becoming abusive because he refuses to learn how not to? That I hold him accountable for. Being hypocritical in that he won't get help for his mental illness, but expects me to be cured of mine? Yup, that's BS and I hold him accountable.

And then I forgive him. And I take care of myself. And we all do the best we can.

 

[Hojay]

I view my sufferer’s “unwillingness” to share details of his trauma in order to "protect" me (in contrast to moments where talking about it would trigger him, which is fine!) as a projection of his level of healing and understanding of what happened to him. In other words, he is "protecting" me from the awful, often skewed way he himself views these events: it's a symptom of his own shame and guilt and his inability to understand that someone could feel any other way about it.

"Protecting" me from details for "my own good" presupposes a level of responsibility for MY feelings that is not in line with healthy adult relations. As we grow up, all of us eventually have to learn that other people are responsible for their own feelings, just as we are for ours. I think few people ever fully learn this, even mentally stable and healthy ones.

Trauma, I believe, can hinder this learning in that events and people HAVE BEEN detrimentally responsible for our pain and suffering. In severe cases, such as PTSD, the developmental step to understand that WE TOO and ONLY WE are responsible for our own feelings, as other people are for theirs, is a hard one to make.

Sharing and disclosing (if sourced from a place of intimacy and trust, rather than pressure or fear of abandonment etc.) is a great act of self-respect--another sign of healthy adult relation. It's coming to the table as we are (trauma and all,) stand up for ourselves, hold on to ourselves, sooth and believe ourselves and our feelings, while demanding nothing less of our partner.

I don't blame my sufferer for feeling this way. He has a condition. But at no moment do I believe he is doing me a favor by trying to "protect" me. He's only keeping himself entrapped in traumatized thinking and keeping our relationship developmentally stalled. Just because I see through this, doesn't mean I'm bailing. But it's very much on my mind.

 

[Freida]

wow. Ok, y'all have given me so much to think about! Seriously - these were not the responses I expected and now that I read them they make me feel....... well something! I think I need to process it for a bit......

 

[Milo's papa]

Hi @Freida, I struggled with the same problem with my wife. She had repressed the first 20 years of her life and when those memories came out, I realized I didn't know her at all. Who is this person I've been married to for 25+ years. After 9 months of therapy, I finally learned how to deal with all the unknowns. There's still a lot I don't know, and never will, but I've lost to live with that.

I'm sure there are things you will never be able to talk to anyone but your T about. That's okay, they're your demons not any one else's. If anyone can't deal with that, too bad.

I hope this helps you in some little way. I wish you the best of luck as you struggle through this
If I can offer you any words of wisdom/ encouragement don't hesitate to reach out to me.

 

[Freida]

@Milo's papa thank you!! It's always good to hear reassurance that people are ok with what they don't know and are still willing to be there with me