Relationship You Don't Know Me At All

[Snowangel1225]

Try this link...
Link Removed

As far as downplaying online relationships, I wasn't doing that....I'm being realistic I have had several friendships via online and also tried online dating. I can tell you from experience, nearly every time the person was not what I was expecting from our conversations. That's not always necessarily bad, but it can be. One in particular I thought I knew very well as we corresponded several times a day, talked on the phone and even Skyped frequently for months, but when I met him, he was nothing like he passed himself off as. Because I didn't have the option of seeing him in person and getting to know his friends and family, I could only take his word on what he told me about himself. Believe me, they only tell you what they want you to know and then only their version of it. Maybe I'm a bit of a pessimist now, but I am speaking from experience and I'd rather be cautious than put myself in that situation again.

 

[Chris516]

Snowangel, I was in one relationship 4.5yrs.(Aug.'02-Jan.07) that was LD the first three months. I don't disagree that was probably a short amount of time to, 'close the distance'. But she was there for me when I needed(and didn't need her). I did the same for her. She had told me beforehand, about being Bi-Polar. She 'snapped', when I told her I would no longer put up with being 'diagnosed'.

Granted, My experience is not the norm. But no one is perfect.

As for the new link to the tv show, thanks heaps, regardless of the thread!!!!:tup: It is sort of along the lines of 'Who The Bleep Did I Marry', on the cable channel Investigation Discovery.

The format is a little like 'Cheaters'.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Forgive me if I'm totally off the mark here- I'm probably missing a lot of context since I haven't read any of your previous posts concerning this relationship, but (just from what I've read here) it looks to me like you have difficulty being sensetive to her emotional needs and that is the reason she pulls away.

You say you knew her apology in 2012 wouldn't last... Whatever that was about, the simple fact that you were expecting a retract on an apology shows a lack of support. And "not taking her negative comments at face value" shows a lack of empathy and understanding. Even if she goes back and forth on things, even if she seems to be an emotional roller coaster, there is a reason for the negativity, the retractions, the apologies. Dismissing it so easily, like it is something that will just disappear with time, fails to address that reason and give her the support and acknowledgment she needs to feel comfortable and overcome her turmoil.

Example-

My mother tends to keep things bottled up that bother her until she simply cannot handle it any more. She then gets confrontational with my father about something that seems trivial and pointless. My father avoids the fight because he doesn't like the way she approaches him and feels as though he is being setup to get burned - that no matter what he says he will be wrong and she will remain angry with him. However, that avoidance only serves to deepen the problem, because he fails to recognize that there is a problem, or she wouldn't be upset.

They do this little dance, over and over. Mom bringing up a fight over something trivial, dad avoiding the fight, until they manage to get down to the root of the problem together. The issue never goes away. It remains and continues to resurface until they figure it out and address it with a real solution. They've found solutions to some of their problems and others they continue to dance around. I know, eventually, they will figure them out because they are dedicated to the hard work that will keep their relationship afloat and the more they work on it, the stronger their love and understanding for one another becomes.

However, neither one of them seems to see or understand this dance that they do so that it can be surpassed all together and they can just cut straight to the real problems. I see it as an outside observer and try to bring it to their attention, but it is so much easier to see solutions from the outside than it is when you are in the heat of things.

Your situation in this relationship is a lot like my mom and dad, but it can be something that will eventually tear you relatonship apart if you are not careful and devoted. It is important to recognize that there is a problem, or she wouldn't be upset. Maybe her reaction is fueld by PTSD, but it is not because of PTSD.

She may not even realize it, may not even know herself what the root problem is causing her to become upset, but what she will need is for her feelings and concerns to be acknowledged. She will need comfort and nourishment, possibly after being given some space. She will need recogition, on your end, that you really don't understand but that you want to, because you care. And she will need you to put forth that effort to at least try to understand and address the real problem that is causing her anxiety.

If that can be done, I think your relationship shows some real promise. If not... it will eventually fall apart.

 

[Chris516]

Nebulustrix, Ok, First, we have had a strange connection of honesty n' accountability. But, I know she hasn't told me A-Z about her life, and I have not done the same. I don't know the cause of her PTSD. But I haven't pressed her about it. Because I don't want to 'trigger' her. Sometimes we would have to drag the truth out of each other.

Lets take the apology in 2012. When she apologized, for all the times she had been critical of me, I was thankful that she apologized, but considering her PTSD, I knew it would not last. But I have never said that to her. The previous nine years when she had been critical, she had never apologized. But there has been the push/pull behavior for years. The first few years, I took it personally, every time she was critical. To the point that my self-esteem got really low. That was until I got myself a 'thick skin', and started to shrug it off. Because, It would change from her being critical, to her accusing me of ignoring her. At one point, prior to her nearly dying in July 2012, there was a wild storm that went through the region, knocking out power to thousands of people. I had to stay in a hotel for several days, while the power was still out at my house. During the few days I was gone, she repeatedly tried to get a hold of me. She thought I blocked her on Yahoo. I couldn't call her, not because of where she lived(Saskathewan, Canada; I live in the DC-Metro region) at the time. But because I didn't have her phone number. She never gave me her phone number

Acknowledgment of her feelings, I definitely did, when she was so critical of her siblings and her mother. She was critical of them, just like she was of me. She would go from missing them, To being disgusted. I acknowledged her every time. In terms of not understanding, wanting to, and that I care. When she said the title of this thread, but with the angry tone she said it in, I said to her "Educate me". I know she has PTSD. I know that it is hard for her. She is in individual counseling for her PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Snowangel1225,
I think you hit the nail on the head, which is why this is so perplexing to me. I've met a bunch of people online, and nobody was exactly as I expected them to be. A few hid things, but more often, in the simple act of meeting someone online you miss out on learning so much about them simply because you can't describe body language to someone, and you almost never see how they interact with those in the world around them.

I think Chris is dealing with a lot of struggles that are magnified because he has never met her. Maybe she is catfishing him, who knows? I just feel that a lot of what he asks can be attributed to other factors, not necessarily PTSD, but we are supposed to know if it's PTSD. The simple truth is that we can't know.

 

[Justmehere]

It is inherent that you're not going to know everything about her in this kind of situation. They have done studies about how 80% of communication is nonverbal. Body language is huge. Plus in therapy, they talk a lot about attunement. That happens when neuron mirror or respond to the physical presence of other neurons - something that happens with all kinds of people in person. Relationships involve all of these factors... And online ones are inherently missing some of the level of connection that can be developed in person. Your relationship with her is clearly an important and close one.

You seem very focused on her pathology. You know that she has PTSD, and then she pushes and pulls people away, and that this is a long-distance online relationship. You seek resistant to the idea that she could be telling you to back off for reasons that may be unrelated to her PTSD, and might be related to you.

My therapist says that often times people are with others who tend to be more unavailable because they're too afraid of closer intimacy themselves and people tend to focus on the pathology of how the other person is in the relationship, how much they push people away, without looking at themselves and why they are attracted to someone who tends to push people away.

i'd like to suggest that maybe out of pain of what happened before, you have fallen for somebody who inherently can't be too close to you... and that this may be about you as much as it is about her.

Online relationships can be very intense and very close, but only in certain kinds of ways. The intimacy that can be found online is not the same as the intimacy that can happen in person.

You know that this is the way she is with you and she will probably pull you and push you away again. Are you okay with this? Do you want something different? That may mean changing you, not her. I'm not saying it means leaving or staying in the relationship. I'm simply just suggesting that maybe instead of focusing on her PTSD, maybe focusing on you might help you both.

These are just my thoughts, can take them or leave them. Not of this may fit you at all, I just thought I'd put this out there as just some ideas. I can't possibly know you and the situation fully through this online medium. It's just not how it works.

 

[Chris516]

Justme,
I won't know everything. I do agree with the fact of not seeing body language. Yes, Online relationships do miss several crucial elements. But so do face-to-face.

I am focused on her pathology, because I don't have visual real-time images of body language to go by. If she was just telling me to back off, then she wouldn't be accusing me of ignoring her.

What your therapist said, is both interesting, and confusing, at the same time. I need to read that a couple dozen times to fully get my mind around what your therapist was thinking when they said that

I do have a problem with immediate face-to-face. Because my experience has been, once I tell the woman about my physical health issues, they high-tail it in the opposite direction. I prefer the rejection be from an online interest, instead of face-to-face. Ever since the debacle with my (ex)wife, related to my health, I have been guarded about who I tell and what I tell. Both online, and in person. My (ex)wife n' her parents' didn't fess up to my suspicions about her own, until five years after I divorced her(and eighteen years after I met her).

Yes, I know she is like this. I am used to it. Also as was rightfully pointed here, that my being incommunicado for nine months probably seemed like abandonment to her. I won't do that again. In the beginning, I was focusing on me, by taking her criticism too literally. Then I started to focus on me again, but by not taking critical statements so literally.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, it tales a lot for me to understand what my therapist was saying - and I'm not explaining it well. I myself tend to find guys who are inherently unavailable and uncomfortable with being very close... and I get frustrated about it, and wonder what the heck is wrong with them that they can't be more steady... And my therapist was pointing out that I am really uncomfortable/even downright scared of or sometimes just plain not attracted to guys who are more steady and can be closer. I never think that they would be interested in me, and it would hurt so much more if that kind of guy rejected me... So I end up with guys who are more distant. You sound like a really kind guy, your compassion has been clear. I think it's great you are trying to understand PTSD more, that's great. And I hope you keep working on you - you have been through a lot. Any girl would be lucky to have someone who cares so much. You deserve someone who would accept you as you, just as you are, health problems and all.

 

[Chris516]

Justme, My worst 'local' experience was one of those stupid 976-Chat #'s. I ended meeting someone...........I already knew. I never did that again. I did date a co-worker for a month, back in the 1980's. We even went to a couple good ethnic restaurants. She ended it. Because she wanted to try new things. That was before I met my (ex)wife.

 

[Chris516]

Justme, I forgot to mention, there was a girl I met in a summer vocational program on car maintenance. I was a going to be a senior the upcoming school year, and she was going to be a sophomore. Three weeks after we started dating, I got a call from her 'best friend' at 2am in the morning. Both my father n' I were woken up by the call. Her 'best friend' told me that my girlfriend's 'boyfriend' had just been released from the county jail. I told her 'best friend', that I would only believe it, when my 'girlfriend' told me. Her 'best friend' argued with me, but I didn't budge. Finally, In the background, in a shower of tears, my 'girlfriend' admitted it, and I just slammed the phone down. I had just been used.

So, My experience starting face-to-face, has been nothing but hellish, to say the least.

 

[Justmehere]

Ah, that sounds just awful! For me, the feeling of being used is one of the worst on the world...

I'm so sorry what you have been through. It makes a lot of sense why it would feel safer to fall for someone online and I totally understand why you want to figure out why this girl online says you don't know the real her. I don't know her, but I doubt she is lying like they did and that it's more of a mix of being an online relationship and yeah, some of the push and pull that comes with PTSD / attachment wounding.

You are a great guy and I bet she knows that - it's unlikely she would trust just anyone... Ask her, talk to her more and keep working on what you have been through - it's a lot. And don't put yourself down.. The world does that enough. You have a lot of heart and we all got stuff we are working on... everyone does...

 

[Chris516]

Justme, I sent her a friendly Yahoo IM yesterday(Sunday), just saying "Hi". Her response was "WTF do you want". I told her I just wanted to say 'hi'. She replied by saying "Don't bother". Keep in mind, that this is sort of 'par for the course'. When it comes to pushing people away, then accusing them of ignoring her.