You Have Nothing To Be Depressed About!

[tphillips117]

True enough. :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi!

There are aspects of what you discuss that I really relate to. The insistence on denial; the struggle talking; the judgement of yourself for not being happier when you evaluate your life. But what our lives look like on the outside is only one small part of the puzzle. Other than having to deal with conditions like depression (which need no reason to exist at all) and PTSD there are also all sorts of pain that come from difficulties in relationships, trust issues and very importantly - self hatred. If your life was so perfect then you wouldn't be struggling in therapy or in such obvious pain when you speak here.It's OK to say that you are not OK.

it's at a snail pace rate. How long will I be in therapy? Years?

I think this too. Especially since I can't speak . Everything is painfully slow. When I am dealing with it more effectively I look at it like this: that rather than looking at an end goal I can take pleasure in each small moment of success or accomplishment. I won't be able to put into words properly now (soggy brain syndrome) but it is not about the destination and is rather about the journey. Each step you take you grow and that growth, even if it is painful, is something that can give you pleasure.

I have been advised to try to speak about why I can't speak. There will be things blocking you and if you can talk them through with your therapist you might find it starts shifting.

Good luck!

 

[Abstract]

Funny too as your avatar is something I have a habit of doing in therapy and apparently did a lot as a child.

 

[tphillips117]

<----- She is not me, but reminds me so much of myself. I endured life altering physical abuse by my mother right up until she kicked me out of the house before my 16th birthday.

I've been through so much. Depression alone, has to be horrible, but depression plus PTSD is indescribable. It's not just emotional pain, it's so painfully physical too. My body hurts sometimes, it really does. I take Advil so often that I have damaged my liver. I take an antidepressant that I'm so reliant on, that if I stop, even for a few days, I start to feel serious suicidal urges. I have 3 kids who need me, and I waiver between if this life is worth it or not.

I have no defined sense of self, no confidence in my ability to be anything other than horrible and worthless. No matter what I do, rather it be work or volunteering or just shopping or staying home, I feel like I'm not good at anything. I'm a perfectionist and I forgive everyone except myself for mistakes. It's just not good. It's not good to be me.

 

[Abstract]

(((tphillips))) if OK. Thats what you need to be discussing with your therapist! You can do it.

 

[tphillips117]

Yes, I know. Brain to mouth in session equals uncomfortable road block. :(

 

[Hashi]

Again, talk to your therapist about whether you can make it brain to letter to mouth, or anything else that could help. I'm sure he'll want to work with you on how to feel more able to talk.

Well done for sharing here. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Your PTSD and depression is very understandable. I think a lot of us are perfectionists as a result of trying to "fix" our situations as children, feeling to blame for them even though we weren't, and constantly trying to achieve the impossible task of making things better by doing better ourselves.

I know it's really hard to look at how big our issues are, it's very painful and frightening. It's a step towards healing them, though.

If you're able to keep taking it one step at a time, you will move forward. There'll be a time when how you feel now is behind you.

 

[Britt.f7]

What if I don't make it?

I think this from time to time. I had been doing fairly well since they adjusted my meds. Actually having hope. And then the brain started feeling as if it was being coated. All I kept thinking of is it was like pepto bismal was coating the inside of my head. I was wondering if I am ever going to get out of these thoughts that keep me from feeling separated from most people in the way I think. Wondering if I will ever make it. It still feels that way, but I try to remind myself I have been out. I have felt what I think it would feel like to have a "normal" thinking pattern. It was an amazing feeling the first time I felt that happen.

I know the past is a part of me. It is a part of all of us, even the people who seemingly walk around with no issues. My mother use to say she never dwelled on the past and that was my problem. The thing is I could see it effect her in various little ways in the things that she did. I am not trying to outrun my past. Some of the trauma has made me, I think and hope, a better person. Not that I would want to repeat any of those events to be this person. It happened. I want to focus on the here and now. I had a therapist like that. She was more focused on the present and didn't really want to talk about the past. It was more like let's see what we can do about the now because we can't change what happened. It was a bit refreshing. I can't erase any of it, but I can change how it effects me now. I can learn coping mechanisms to help me when it creeps in. I'm still waiting to learn those.

I know this is difficult to think of but you are a valuable person. We all are, to ourselves and others. No matter how difficult it is to see or feel. Everyone on here with their bad and good days is of value to others. I know it has helped me understand myself better. Given me hope when I felt I could find none. I think I would feel loss without this forum and for that I am very thankful and appreciative for everyone I have come to know through here. Even if it is sometimes only in pieces.

 

[nimkekaa]

I also feel terribly guilty for going to therapy when my life is so good. What is wrong with me?

I too have had to help myself understand why I am so uspet when I have a wonderful hubby of 20 years and children that are doing so well. (my oldest is in her first year of college with a 92 percent average)

I tell myself that what was done to me in the past has affected who I am today and that I want to heal that part of me. For years I pushed everything down and tried to never let it get to me but it doesn't just go away. I need to heal that part of me. It's like a broken bone. It doesn't heal if you keep using it. You need to let it rest to heal.

You have been diagnosed with PTSD. You need to heal that part of you. Even with a wonderful life you can break a leg and need to spend time healing it.

I hope you can go easy on yourself and realize that you need to allow yourself to heal. Healing is different for different type of injuries so it will look different for you then it does for me. But all injuries need to heal if they want to be strong again.

Hugs is you need them.

 

[nao]

I've been wondering where you went! I'm so sorry you feel this way. It is horrible to feel like you are walking on eggs, waiting for it all to end.

I won't get a gun. I know it only takes a split second for me to have the urge and act on it. That's me though.

I know that you feel bad, its a terrible feeling and one many of us know. (((Hugs))) I don't know what to say to make it any better but I am here to listen.

Yeah, guns are bad. I remember being 11 or 12 and wanting so badly to get my dads gun, it was blocked though. My mom sat in front of the closet everyday.

 

[Britt.f7]

I know I have nothing to be depressed about. That just makes it worse.

 

[tphillips117]

I bought a gun on Sunday. I have an M&P 9mm full size. Very nice gun for when you need to vent frustration, rage or anxiety.