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Relationship Your First Isolation Period
- Post starter Nico
- Start date
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D
Deleted member 28812
This Christmas my guy for an hour. He just walked out on us. Does that count? He has no long isolation periods.
What do you mean by "What was it like?"?
Do you mean how I felt?
What do you mean by "What was it like?"?
Do you mean how I felt?
D
Deleted member 28812
He hides away if he is crying. Does that sound as isolation too?
Angelica_89
New Here
The first isolation period I went through was pretty tough but nothing compared to what I'm going through now which feels like complete hell sometimes. So the first period occurred when we just started dating and he asked if a relationship was what I really wanted, of course that was my end goal. He then proceeded to tell me how stupid and naive I was for thinking it could work out. I gave him his space and we didn't communicate for two full weeks but eventually he came back around. This past week, he's gone into another episode and it's been tough. I haven't really spoken to him since Friday and I'm not sure how long it will last. The fact that we made progress the past month and then now he just completely shut me out makes this period more difficult than the first one. I try my best just to focus on bettering myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I put most of my effort into school, work, and working out but by no means does it take away the feelings of loneliness, failure, and basically hurt. We workout at the same gym and although I try not to be there when he's there because it makes it ten times harder seeing him when he doesn't want to talk to me somedays it's inevitable. The fact that he ignores me pretty much completely is hard emotionally but I take solace in the fact that at least he's working out and physically okay. Not sure how long I'll have to deal with this episode but I'm hoping it'll end sometime soon. Hope this helps!
First one: Two days. Second one: Three days. I didn't do much of anything then, to be honest. I'm wearing both shoes, a supporter's and a "sufferer's" (I so very much hate that word...), and wasn't having the easiest time myself at that point, so I guess I was sort of glad I didn't have to deal with the one thing that could make my walls shoot up faster than a building crew on drugs, so I guess I just won't count those.
Current one - heading towards the 2-month line and counting.
The story of how I reacted badly at the start of this one is on here somewhere. Made it worse since by pushing myself way too hard (after blaming him for doing just that and driving himself away). Currently on psychiatric leave (and basically pseudo-institutionalized) after a rather...ugly episode which came as a result of the pressure I was heaping onto my own shoulders.
He very carefully resurfaced a couple times after the 1-month line was crossed, but managed to scare himself away again every time, this latest isolation now apparently including everyone and not just me, so this (unsurprisingly, given the circumstances) is far from over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's hard as hell, it hurts like nothing else to know the one you love is suffering and choosing to do it without you, but the only thing a supporter can do is to protect themselves, take care of themselves, first and foremost. It's said here over and over again, and it's true. I've read some of your posts, so I know you're all too aware of all that, too. There's nothing much that can really be added, though.
It sucks black swamp water, but when a sufferer isolates because their minds aren't giving them a choice, it's not exactly a walk in the park for them, either. Whether or not they'll (manage/want to) return after is anybody's guess, unfortunately, but as long as you feel it's worth the pain and are able to handle the situation (with or without help of whatever kind works best for you), I'll be the last person on earth to suggest giving up.
Distraction works well when you've got to play the waiting game. I'm not saying forget them, or walk on eggshells. If you truly feel you need to send them a message, that is part of you taking care of yourself and needs to be done. That need is a part of you, and it's too damn easy to lose yourself in the supporter's role. You can't hold THEM, so you need to keep holding on to YOU. The way I see it, they're gone from your life already...there's no such thing as being "more gone". The occasional (no-pressure) message might make it worse, but it also might make all the difference in the world, so basically...whatever you need to do to keep yourself from going nuts during these times...DO IT. How or if he'll react, even he might not know before it happens.
Do whatever it takes to stay or become the best version of yourself you can be. Do this for yourself first. Whether your guy gets to enjoy it after he gets out of his isolation unfortunately is not in your hands - although it's not forbidden to imagine the scenario. :)
Just try not to do what both my silly dude and I did and wreck yourself in the process because you absolutely fail to acknowledge your own limits. From where I'm standing, it looks like a freakin' long road back from that. Next time, I really should be more specific when I tell my subcon we're going to find ourselves a distraction. :sour:
Current one - heading towards the 2-month line and counting.
The story of how I reacted badly at the start of this one is on here somewhere. Made it worse since by pushing myself way too hard (after blaming him for doing just that and driving himself away). Currently on psychiatric leave (and basically pseudo-institutionalized) after a rather...ugly episode which came as a result of the pressure I was heaping onto my own shoulders.
He very carefully resurfaced a couple times after the 1-month line was crossed, but managed to scare himself away again every time, this latest isolation now apparently including everyone and not just me, so this (unsurprisingly, given the circumstances) is far from over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's hard as hell, it hurts like nothing else to know the one you love is suffering and choosing to do it without you, but the only thing a supporter can do is to protect themselves, take care of themselves, first and foremost. It's said here over and over again, and it's true. I've read some of your posts, so I know you're all too aware of all that, too. There's nothing much that can really be added, though.
It sucks black swamp water, but when a sufferer isolates because their minds aren't giving them a choice, it's not exactly a walk in the park for them, either. Whether or not they'll (manage/want to) return after is anybody's guess, unfortunately, but as long as you feel it's worth the pain and are able to handle the situation (with or without help of whatever kind works best for you), I'll be the last person on earth to suggest giving up.
Distraction works well when you've got to play the waiting game. I'm not saying forget them, or walk on eggshells. If you truly feel you need to send them a message, that is part of you taking care of yourself and needs to be done. That need is a part of you, and it's too damn easy to lose yourself in the supporter's role. You can't hold THEM, so you need to keep holding on to YOU. The way I see it, they're gone from your life already...there's no such thing as being "more gone". The occasional (no-pressure) message might make it worse, but it also might make all the difference in the world, so basically...whatever you need to do to keep yourself from going nuts during these times...DO IT. How or if he'll react, even he might not know before it happens.
Do whatever it takes to stay or become the best version of yourself you can be. Do this for yourself first. Whether your guy gets to enjoy it after he gets out of his isolation unfortunately is not in your hands - although it's not forbidden to imagine the scenario. :)
Just try not to do what both my silly dude and I did and wreck yourself in the process because you absolutely fail to acknowledge your own limits. From where I'm standing, it looks like a freakin' long road back from that. Next time, I really should be more specific when I tell my subcon we're going to find ourselves a distraction. :sour:
scout86
VIP Member
I don't think I've ever seen anyone else say that here, but it rings true. The other thing is. if you're going to drive someone away forever, just by being who are are, what are you trying to hold things together FOR?
psychgirllost
New Here
I started seeing a combat veteran two years ago sept. It was this constant push and pull where he would just suddenly stop answering my texts and calls. The past year was better after a four month pull away that lasted from August until November of 2013 when I found out from his friend that he "talks about you all the time". After that it was a week here and there. In August of 2014 he pulled away for three weeks. Sept was good. October was the beginning of the worst. I figured out he had an overblown guilt complex. He went somewhere without me, a friend of mine grabbed his butt. I didn't hear from him for three weeks until I finally figured out what happened and asked. Then There was a girl incessantly chasing him. She pulled a nasty manupulative trick and after three days of "I love you so much". He disappeared again. He just kept saying "you wouldn't understand". He told me what happened. It's not the point but by this time he's decided he's not good enough for me and I need a better man. In all honesty that was the theme through our entire relationship. "I'm a bad person. I've done bad things. I've killed people". Over and over. "Why do you like me? I'm an asshole". Funny part is he's the furthest thing from an asshole. He's over compensates and is too kind and gets frustrated when people don't return his kindness.
This crap is so painful that over the months i numbed myself out so I couldn't get hurt. I love him, but I was protecting myself and wasn't really able to feel it. (He said he could though).
He's now seeing the manupulative crazy woman. The other night I showed up at the bar he frequents and he jumped up on his barstool, waved, and came running over to me, said he missed me and hugged me. We talked. He touched me the whole time I was there. He asked if I still had his number, and told me to call (I havent because he probably won't answer). He said he loved me. He said I looked more beautiful than ever. Then he said if his "girlfriend" was there I'd be in a fight. He's not a player. He's only been seeing this woman (who at one point he called crazy because she wouldn't stop calling and texting and was having her friends call and text and then threatened to kill herself over him) since mid November. He flat out told me he wants to "fix" her. anyway. This all sucks. I'm certain he still loves me. Guessing he's using her to get over me. (I asked if he loved her and he said "it's really not about that".
I'm stuck between loving him and wantkng him back and loving him and wanting to let him go. It changes hour by hour. Frankly. It's horrible. Confusing. Frustrating. Every emotion possible.
This crap is so painful that over the months i numbed myself out so I couldn't get hurt. I love him, but I was protecting myself and wasn't really able to feel it. (He said he could though).
He's now seeing the manupulative crazy woman. The other night I showed up at the bar he frequents and he jumped up on his barstool, waved, and came running over to me, said he missed me and hugged me. We talked. He touched me the whole time I was there. He asked if I still had his number, and told me to call (I havent because he probably won't answer). He said he loved me. He said I looked more beautiful than ever. Then he said if his "girlfriend" was there I'd be in a fight. He's not a player. He's only been seeing this woman (who at one point he called crazy because she wouldn't stop calling and texting and was having her friends call and text and then threatened to kill herself over him) since mid November. He flat out told me he wants to "fix" her. anyway. This all sucks. I'm certain he still loves me. Guessing he's using her to get over me. (I asked if he loved her and he said "it's really not about that".
I'm stuck between loving him and wantkng him back and loving him and wanting to let him go. It changes hour by hour. Frankly. It's horrible. Confusing. Frustrating. Every emotion possible.
psychgirllost
New Here
Oh. And he also suggested he could find me a better man. I told him I wasn't looking. It was the last thing I wNted right now and that I already had a "better" man. He looked worn down after I said that.
- Post starter
- #9
Thanks everyone for your stories. @psychgirllost, yours rings a bit close to home with the, "I've done terrible things. You're such a sweet person." Yup, he's told me that, but that was last year when he showed up to my place almost drunk and I was cooking dinner for us. That was way before any PTSD episode arose. And yes everyone, it feels like a nightmare that I can't believe I'm starring in. I don't know how bad he's hurting because he just completely disappeared. He never wants to let me know if something is wrong...guess that's part of the military crap. Can't ever show weakness.
psychgirllost
New Here
The guy I was seeing had different tones of voice. When he was trying to push me away he used what I called "soldier voice". It was emotionless and gruff and loud. Sir yes sir. otherwise his voice was soft and gentle. He would frequently say, as well, "I'm just a soldier" as well as the "I'm a bad person. Why do you like me. Why do you put up with me." Lines. Over and over and over again for two years. I'm afraid this is it and he's not coming back to me this time. One time though he linked me to a song that said "I'll always come back to you". I wish it were true.
- Post starter
- #11
OMG... @psychgirllost I know what you are talking about. Ok, so I've known my guy for 20 years and we got serious last year...he has always been Mr. Sweet and Silly. While he was deployed was when I noticed the "soldier voice." No more, "hey baby, I miss you." I got the "miss you sweetie," when he was done his mission and was getting ready to be leaving. Anyway, when he pushed me away the week after he got back and was freaking on the phone with me, it was indeed that "soldier voice." I had no idea who I was talking to, but I was trying to just listen, calm him down, and put things into perspective. He seemed really lost and overwhelmed, but he would never ever ask for help or admit he wasn't readjusting well. No way...easier to run away from your love.
- Post starter
- #12
@owl1982 . Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry to read your struggles. You are a fighter that's for sure. I do have my own anxieties that take over my "normal" thoughts as well. As much as I'd love to just call him or even send a text, I don't feel it's right. One minute I'm crying, the next minute I'm like, "WTF! You completely abandoned me!?" I hate it. It's not me. I am normally the super happy gal...not annoyingly like a cheerleader...but just content/high on life.
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