Your T's Touch Policy

[mytai]

I don't think my T or I have actually discussed this before, probably because it hasn't ever come up.

Just wondering what your T's touch policy is? What are your personal thoughts on it? I'm someone who can be quite scared of being touched. Has anyone found it helpful? I had one T in the past who hugged me, I was in the middle of a flashback and she just wrapped herself over me - it was terrifying. But then again that T also had issues with boundaries. My new T does not. Is this past incident something I should bring up with my current T?

Anyways, I'm just wondering what your T's touch policy is. Do you have physical contact with your T? Do you find it helpful? Does touch scare you like it does me? Has your T ever hugged you? Do you think that's ok? (obviously the situation with my former T was not ok).

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't really think a therapist hugging a patient is appropriate. Or really any other type of touch other then like maybe shaking hands.

I had a female therapist who would like to hug me. I didn't really like it but thought that maybe it was normal but then I noticed that she would sometimes act like we were really good friends and not therapist/patient and then more time passed and sometimes she sort of seemed to try to be my mother? It was just odd and alarming. I guess the boundary just kept getting pushed out and pushed out...

When you bring touch into the game you bring in a whole new level of intimacy and familiarity. And I am a big advocate of psychical/emotional/personal boundaries with people I see professionally. So with me any boundary crossed is to much.

 

[catjudo]

I typically see a male therapist. About a year or so ago I was trying to find a new therapist and tried a female therapist who had been recommended to me. On my second visit, as I was leaving, she came in for a hug without asking or warning. As she was hugging me I just calmly told her that I wasn't really a hugger. She backed off and apologized. I left the office and wasn't in a very good place for a couple of days because of this unexpected and, in my opinion, insensitive and unprofessional invasion of my space. At my next visit she apologized again. I saw her for a couple of months before I decided she just really wasn't going to work out for me (for a variety of small reasons that any one alone I felt wasn't a really big deal but they just started to add up to too much for me). But on more than one occasion while still seeing her she mentioned the hugging thing and how she usually hugs her clients or that she would make sure not to hug me but not to have hurt feelings if I saw her hugging her client immediately before my appointment as she was seeing them out or that whenever I was ready for a hug just let her know. It was too much for me and was really making me self conscious about the issue.

Other than that, the hugging issue has never really come up for me with any of the other therapists I've ever seen. I have seen the same male psychiatrist (who also served as my therapist for a long time) for over 10 years. I can vaguely recall one time, years ago but after I had already been his patient for at least several years, during a particularly difficult time that for some unplanned and inexplicable reason I asked him for a hug just before leaving his office as he was seeing me out. He said okay and gave me a hug. I've never hugged him since then. I've never wanted a hug from a therapist/psychiatrist any other time and I'm still not sure what prompted it that time but I guess he knew me well enough at that point that he felt comfortable giving me the hug when I asked for it. I think there probably would have been an issue though if I had continued to want or ask for hugs, but that's really just an assumption on my part.

 

[Abstract]

I think most trauma therapist will wisely be very cautious of touch. Small amounts, well judged may be helpful for some but I think for many people it is a total no go.

I think it can vary depending on the therapeutic approach of the T, their beliefs on boundaries, their intuitive skills and probably their knowledge of trauma.

I would definitely bring up your past experience with your T!

 

[DMerish]

I don't recall ever being hugged by a therapist, although getting a hug might be helpful to some people under some situations. I think a wise (sensitive and professional) therapist would ask their client if they would like one.

I don't see my therapist ever asking me whether they could because our relationship is a business relationship, not a personal one. However, I really like and respect my therapist and I believe she really likes and respects me. When the time comes to say "Good-bye" once and for all, I see myself offering her a hug.

 

[mytai]

It's something new to me, I just thought of this over the last few days. I've talked to my T about the past T's that went south really bad for me. But I didn't mention the whole T hugging me during a flashback thing. Any form of touch that is unannounced and unexpected is terrifying for me. I was just curious on other people's T's policy on physical contact. I've heard about both, but I'm never one to initiate that kind of thing.

Not sure if it would help or hurt in my case where I'm actually scared of being touched (kind of like exposure to show not all touch is bad?). My current T (who I think is a really good fit for me) has touched me twice, but it was to help ground me and bring me back to the present. She also warned me that she was going to put her hand on my back, and warned me that she was going to rock my body side to side slowly to help bring me to the present. She immediately took her hand off my back when I was present again. I was startled the first time, but she made sure to keep repeating what she was doing.

Hugs are a grey area for me, they can be comforting with some people, but with others it can feel like I'm trapped.

 

[Abstract]

I suspect it would be unwise until you feel much more grounded in yourself and in your relationship with your T - if you ever go there. .

For me I have never touched any one of my T's.

 

[mytai]

@Abstract Hugs are a definite heck no for me at this point in my life, I don't know if I would ever be comfortable with that with my T, or any T for that matter.

As for other forms, I'm up in the air about that. Another reason I was thinking about it this week is because I was reflecting on last weeks session with my T, and she was giving examples of things she has done with other clients, or that other clients have done that has helped them connect and trust her more. One of those examples was sitting and holding the T's hand. So that's what got me thinking about touch policies, and whether or not that might be helpful or hurtful in my case.

I'm the type of person that will try anything this T says at least once, I trust her, I trust her knowledge and abilities. She hasn't hurt me so far, and she has tread carefully and not pushed me too hard. She has actually reigned me in saying she didn't want to touch on my past abuse too much yet because I dissociate so easily. So I didn't know what other people's experience was with this. I'm curious, like I said I will try pretty much anything she suggests at least once before writing it off.

 

[Rumors]

It would be like hugging my accountant, the only other person I can think of that has as much private and personal information. Sorry, perhaps a bad analogy but comparatively the same for me.

I think you have to find your own comfort zone there. I personally don't feel the need for him to hug me so that is easy for me. I also don't get freaked out by someone hugging me, however I can understand why you would. I think it is easy to put a hand out if you think somebody is moving in for some personal affection! ;)

 

[Abstract]

I will try pretty much anything she suggests at least once before writing it off.

I think its great to be open minded but one thing I would add is to also listen to yourself. You are the only person with direct access to your brain. Don't be afraid to say no if you are not sure. Especially since your boundaries have been so violated in the past. Its OK to be cautious. Not because you don't trust her but if it doesn't feel right for you. T is about us and not about our T's.

 

[mytai]

@Rumors Long time no talk, was just thinking today about you (but I will pc you in a few about that). I don't know what my comfort zone is, actually I don't know if I even have one - I just naturally just avoid everything even remotely scary for me. I think that's why I'm open to trying anything once, just so I can discover what my comfort zone is. I also know myself though and if I feel overwhelmed I freeze and "leave" my mind, but my T seems to recognize when I do that. I don't feel a need to have her hug me, but I am interested in working on my fears of touch.

I think its great to be open minded but one thing I would add is to also listen to yourself.

I agree, but on a side note, if I always listened to myself I would have never walked through her door. I would have missed out on the first T I've ever connected with in 10 years.

Don't be afraid to say no if you are not sure. Especially since your boundaries have been so violated in the past.

No is a word I struggle with, I freeze, I shut down, I don't know how to say no anymore. Since my boundaries have been so violated in the past is probably the ideal reason to talk to my T about my former T scaring the crap out of me by hugging me during a flashback.

 

[Rumors]

Perhaps if you just have a confab with your T prior to hand holding you might feel that the boundaries are clear enough that it alleviates any anxiety you may have???

It would be nice for you to have safe touch if it is comfortable. Hang in there!