Arrrggghh! This is my third attempt to write this and my phone died twice. Nothing like writing things over and over when you didn't want to write them to begin with!!
I am not a glum person - it is just one of those weeks. I am Dan, though I really don't wanna be at the moment.
What I am is the survivor of a dang near statistical impossibility. I was molested by a sibling & her friends at 4-5, abducted from a vacation Bible school program by a stranger who raped and tortured me before leaving me naked, in a creek bed, when I was 7, saw a neighbor and friend who was 9-10 shot when I was 8, watched 3 brave men lose their lives in a helo crash as they tried to keep from killing others (including me) when I was 18, and more. Then there are the things I got myself into as I did high-risk things to prove I was not scared (though I have been for as long as I remember, and that is hard to say), such as a roof collapse while I worked as a professional firefighter.
My parents did not believe in counseling, nor did they agree I was raped, because, as my dad told me just a few years ago, I could have fought harder and wouldn't have been taken in the first place if I had been doing what I was supposed to. When they would come in and find me asleep under my bed, or I was scared to go somewhere by myself (starting just 2 weeks after I was raped they would send me to the store alone on foot), I was punished or told I just needed to fight against the spirit of fear.
I normally live with nightmares and have something called RBD, so I act the dreams out as I sleep, resulting in injury to myself and others. But, other than that, I rock along wo any inconvenience to others.
I realized I had some control issues and a quick temper when my second marriage started tanking bad, and I had a few counseling sessions. I even had a shot into a gland at my neck that was supposed to help. But I never got in trouble, I could always hide my flashbacks long enough to get away from people, and use wit to cover pain.
But last night I had one of only 3 really bad reactions I have ever had. One was when I watched a movie where a man is raped and forced to humiliate himself by squealing like a pig (cue dualing banjos here). Two was when my parents took my kids out of the house when I slept so they could find out what I resented them for and ended up telling me the incident WAS my fault and they cannot believe I would say otherwise. Three was last night, when I watched a $"#\@!! Violent TV show about a man on a power trip killing others and showing the star the bad guy was now 100% in control.
I couldn't even process all the feelings. I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop the images still in my head, and wanted someone to understand how much that was like my life.
I yelled, I went out the door to get away, slammed the door and then saw my truck, so I took off, trying to escape the TV, the images in my head, my desires to do stupid things. I ended up on the side of the road texting a ptsd crisis line. Never done that before.
Now, my wife is upset and talking to me as if all I went thru was a choice. Yes, I chose to watch the show, thinking I could handle it. But she can never understand how hard I worked to get just a little control. It was like being blamed for bleeding on the rug after being stabbed. All I asked was for her to put her head on my chest when we went to bed and even today I am getting sort of lectured about controlling my reactions- or that is how it feels. Right now, I just about hate everyone for not understanding and that's not me. I had a tough time working, and feel horribly embarrassed to face my wife and kids.
Is any of this relatable to anyone else? How do you get help from a problem wo focusing on it and making it worse?
I am not a glum person - it is just one of those weeks. I am Dan, though I really don't wanna be at the moment.
What I am is the survivor of a dang near statistical impossibility. I was molested by a sibling & her friends at 4-5, abducted from a vacation Bible school program by a stranger who raped and tortured me before leaving me naked, in a creek bed, when I was 7, saw a neighbor and friend who was 9-10 shot when I was 8, watched 3 brave men lose their lives in a helo crash as they tried to keep from killing others (including me) when I was 18, and more. Then there are the things I got myself into as I did high-risk things to prove I was not scared (though I have been for as long as I remember, and that is hard to say), such as a roof collapse while I worked as a professional firefighter.
My parents did not believe in counseling, nor did they agree I was raped, because, as my dad told me just a few years ago, I could have fought harder and wouldn't have been taken in the first place if I had been doing what I was supposed to. When they would come in and find me asleep under my bed, or I was scared to go somewhere by myself (starting just 2 weeks after I was raped they would send me to the store alone on foot), I was punished or told I just needed to fight against the spirit of fear.
I normally live with nightmares and have something called RBD, so I act the dreams out as I sleep, resulting in injury to myself and others. But, other than that, I rock along wo any inconvenience to others.
I realized I had some control issues and a quick temper when my second marriage started tanking bad, and I had a few counseling sessions. I even had a shot into a gland at my neck that was supposed to help. But I never got in trouble, I could always hide my flashbacks long enough to get away from people, and use wit to cover pain.
But last night I had one of only 3 really bad reactions I have ever had. One was when I watched a movie where a man is raped and forced to humiliate himself by squealing like a pig (cue dualing banjos here). Two was when my parents took my kids out of the house when I slept so they could find out what I resented them for and ended up telling me the incident WAS my fault and they cannot believe I would say otherwise. Three was last night, when I watched a $"#\@!! Violent TV show about a man on a power trip killing others and showing the star the bad guy was now 100% in control.
I couldn't even process all the feelings. I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop the images still in my head, and wanted someone to understand how much that was like my life.
I yelled, I went out the door to get away, slammed the door and then saw my truck, so I took off, trying to escape the TV, the images in my head, my desires to do stupid things. I ended up on the side of the road texting a ptsd crisis line. Never done that before.
Now, my wife is upset and talking to me as if all I went thru was a choice. Yes, I chose to watch the show, thinking I could handle it. But she can never understand how hard I worked to get just a little control. It was like being blamed for bleeding on the rug after being stabbed. All I asked was for her to put her head on my chest when we went to bed and even today I am getting sort of lectured about controlling my reactions- or that is how it feels. Right now, I just about hate everyone for not understanding and that's not me. I had a tough time working, and feel horribly embarrassed to face my wife and kids.
Is any of this relatable to anyone else? How do you get help from a problem wo focusing on it and making it worse?
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