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Deleted member 33052
As some of you know, my marriage is something of a clusterf*ck at the moment. I have PTSD, my husband doesn't. He is passive-aggressive. He triggers me. He doesn't mean to. I have an explosive temper and he is afraid of angry outbursts (what were we thinking?!?). In order to avoid my angry outbursts, he will lie, or tell half-truths, or dance around the issue du jour. My instincts tell me he's not being honest, which compromises my need for safety, which triggers me.
I was diagnosed only a year ago. I've always known that my upbringing affected me severely, but I couldn't understand why I had no control over this hair-trigger temper. I was deeply ashamed, which made me vulnerable to manipulation. Unfortunately, I pretty much accepted that as my penance, basically.
So, back to the marriage. My husband, Colin, is a nice person. He really is. I believe his passive-aggression is the result of cowardice. Here, my perception is probably skewed, though. If I were raised in a *normal* family, I might be terrified of me, too.
Colin is also self-absorbed and emotionally lazy. This, he admits. Because of this, he has a difficult time understanding my symptoms. When I tell him that for me everything is either black or white, and there's nothing in between, he hears the words, but doesn't accept them. When I tell him that his teeny, tiny little lies threaten my sense of safety, he doesn't get it. He's a writer, btw. Creative, curious, intelligent. You would think he would more of an effort to understand.
Now, I had isolated for almost a year. I was a wreck. He cooked, he cleaned, he checked on me. He brought meals to the bedroom for me if I couldn't face the world. I thought he was being supportive. Now, looking back, I think he was reveling in the role of martyr... :(
I haven't even gotten to the issue that drove me to start this thread, but I'm tired, and confused, and feeling kind of sad. So I will sleep on it, and try to finish it tomorrow....
I was diagnosed only a year ago. I've always known that my upbringing affected me severely, but I couldn't understand why I had no control over this hair-trigger temper. I was deeply ashamed, which made me vulnerable to manipulation. Unfortunately, I pretty much accepted that as my penance, basically.
So, back to the marriage. My husband, Colin, is a nice person. He really is. I believe his passive-aggression is the result of cowardice. Here, my perception is probably skewed, though. If I were raised in a *normal* family, I might be terrified of me, too.
Colin is also self-absorbed and emotionally lazy. This, he admits. Because of this, he has a difficult time understanding my symptoms. When I tell him that for me everything is either black or white, and there's nothing in between, he hears the words, but doesn't accept them. When I tell him that his teeny, tiny little lies threaten my sense of safety, he doesn't get it. He's a writer, btw. Creative, curious, intelligent. You would think he would more of an effort to understand.
Now, I had isolated for almost a year. I was a wreck. He cooked, he cleaned, he checked on me. He brought meals to the bedroom for me if I couldn't face the world. I thought he was being supportive. Now, looking back, I think he was reveling in the role of martyr... :(
I haven't even gotten to the issue that drove me to start this thread, but I'm tired, and confused, and feeling kind of sad. So I will sleep on it, and try to finish it tomorrow....
