I Need Other Perspectives, Please

[Abstract]

I actually think what is important in a relationship varies a little person to person. Couples have their own priorities and values. It isn't one size fits all. I feel that the more I live the more I see how different we human beings are. What doesn't work is if both parties aren't on the same page. I'm obviously ignoring all sorts of bad behaviour and how people respond to that - very important things. Just talking about what makes a relationship work. I think it works when both parties are seen and nurtured by the relationship (enough) whatever that seeing and nurturing looks like. We are the ones that can tell if we aren't being seen and nurtured enough by the relationship. Not in a "the relationship should fix me" way and rather in a "the relationship is a positive space for me to be"way, I agree that love is important but for me it isn't enough. Seen and been in too many destructive relationships where there was love.

 

[Gs172003]

Had he already sent it before he showed it to you? Have you ever verified anything he has told you? After all he does lie. Alot.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why did he say all of that to his family, but not to you?

My spidey-senses are up because it seems to me that what was said in that email should be between you and him. I understand that you're close with his family but I can't help but feel that maybe there's too much closeness? I honestly think that some things should be kept between man and wife. Why the need to involve them other than to say that there are struggles but you're both working on them? All this makes me think there's possibly some sort of ulterior motive. Maybe he's beating you to the punch by coming clean before you spill the beans about how he's been a total shit------I mean you did say you're super close with his family, right? Maybe he wanted to tell them before you did?

 

[Gs172003]

What I think he's doing is what somebody else said. He's trying to look like Mr nice guy by letting you see it and hoping it pulls your heart strings. You said he's a writer so he knows how to do exactly that.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

One more thing - does there have to be a winner and a loser? I was weaned on competition, so my v...

When I think of a winner / loser concept in a relationship, I think of whether or not there's a need to have control in the situation. When a person's perception of a situation is skewed, there are no winners or losers. In the end we have to make the decisions that are going to be healthiest for us. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong - if it's hurting one or both parties to the point of being a toxic relationship, somethings got to give. :O_o:

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think it's quite obvious that @Mal Content is not about to leave her husband or end the marriage, even though many of us here get the feeling that it's pretty much doomed. I'm beyond banging my head on this one. I wish them luck in trying to fix their marriage, I just hope that the energy they spend on doing this will be worth the effort in the end...

 

[Thizette]

Thinking out loud.... I imagine both partners would have to be emotionally healthy for this to work...

Absolutely. And even emotionally healthy people aren't that 100% of the time. But they can try to be. It's good to be able to trust that your partner isn't trying to hurt you, and to have them trust the same. It's so important to be able to communicate when you're hurt without assigning blame or acting as if the person intended to hurt you. And it's important to listen to how we've hurt others and know that they don't think we meant to do it. I'm a bit rambly, but you understand my point?

 

[Abstract]

Mal content, You will do this when and if you are ready to do it. There are many things that can keep us glued into a situation. Once you have figured out what that glue consists of and how to unglue yourself, you will. It's easy from the outside. Trust yourself first always. Hear others but always trust you at the end of it. Trust what your instincts tell you about this relationship.

Regardless of anything else healthy enough relationships need to allow space for both people and both need to be genuinely invested in making it better.

 

[Mytime]

Hi Mal, sorry for the late response:)
You know my story and this is what I've learned. Everyone one of us, brings something from our childhood into our adults hood. We relive a cycle over and over and over. Until the day we acknowledge it and choose to change it. We are all human, we all make mistakes. If if anyone thinks their perfect. Then I say, start making mistakes, because it the only way we grow as people. The same goes for relationships. Relationships, marriages, there hard. It's not a one size fix all kind of thing. You can't change, fix or control a person. You can only change, fix and control you. What you want out of a relationship, you also have to give it. Your needs, you need to say what they are. You can't expect people to just know them. Everyone has different needs. Mistakes have been made by both of you. But there the past, you can't change, fix it or control it. But you can acknowledge it, learn from it and grow from it. It you can both grow on your own, you can grow as a couple.
The works hard and slow at times, but most things in life are. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, we all have a different perspection on things. What matters is, how you choose to move forward in life. Sometimes it's day by day and that ok. I'll stop now before I get to deep. Everyone is probably ready to fall asleep or stopped reading after the 10th word,lol. Sending you hugs my friend:)