I Need Other Perspectives, Please

[Deleted member 33052]

@Abstract. Thank you! You expressed it very well, and also gave me a laugh!

And you're right - I'm tired of assigning blame. We've both hurt each other badly, repeatedly. I'm growing, and changing radically (autocorrect twice changed that to *tragically*...hmm...). He is working on his issues. Whether he keeps it up - who knows?

 

[claroscuro]

What do you want from a relationship? I don't think it's unreasonable to want loyalty, support, acceptance, love, and space to grow. I actually don't see how a relationship can last or be healthy without these things as this, in my mind, would prevent an actual connection.

That being said, I don't think a partner should be expected to make you whole, someone is going to be left not being whole. I think it's important that we strive to become whole on our own, and see my partner as someone who is supportive of my journey toward that, my backup.

If we don't have expectations (wants) of our partners, what differentiates that interaction from what we have with a stranger we greet in passing on the street or in the supermarket? If we don't have expectations and have them met, how will we know that this is a soft place for us to call home and actually be able to commit to it? It's up to you to decide if you're willing to meet your partner's wants, and for them to decide if they're willing to meet yours. It's negotiation and give and take. If it costs you too much to meet your partner's expectations, then I think it's time to reassess your participation in that relationship.

I don't think it's impossible to have a good relationship if you're emotionally unhealthy, it just takes more work and patience. It requires acknowledgement and a commitment to improvement (for your self), and understanding and support from your partner, and from you for their positive contribution. (I really struggle with self acceptance, but seeing my partner's acceptance of me kinda makes me thing maybe i do deserve that from myself. It's not that mine is dependent on her acceptance of me, rather that I'm considering her example.)
And I do think that if a couple can navigate this journey successfully it builds a much stronger relationship because of what went into it to make it through.

As for a winner and a loser? To me a relationship is about mutual benefit, and that doesn't align with having a winner and a loser.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@She Cat That's what I'm trying to figure out - what a healthy person does need from a partner, and what s/he doesn't need, and it's hard to sort them out. And I'm simplifying, just to get a clear picture in my head. Please don't take anything I say as disagreement ; I'm just trying to brainstorm. There's definitely something to this, but I'm not quite grasping it...

Yes, mutuality is important. I would include values in that, and put them in the Relationship category. Trust, honour, respect, definitely, but to me, they seem like self-needs for both partners. I wouldn't be attracted to someone who didn't have those needs filled by themselves.

Needs like security, acceptance, value, stability, peace of mind, even love, I think, have to come from within.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@claroscuro Claro, is there a difference between wants and needs? I think that if there is a distinction, then this makes a lot more sense.

 

[claroscuro]

Whenever something pops up for me that I think I want, I ask myself is this oxygen (need), or a cup of coffee (want). I need to find acceptance for myself within myself, I want acceptance from my partner because that signals to me that I have a valued place in their life. I suppose you can say I need her acceptance, but it's not crucial to my wellbeing, so it's actually just a want for me. For the relationship to thrive it's a mutual need.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Mal Content Its not just about what a healthy person needs. It's knowing how to ask and not put an undue burden on your partner to try and fulfill that. It's balance. A person needs to be able to fill some of their own needs.

If one partner is doing all the work and the other isn't, then it won't work. Marriage/relationships are like a job that both have to work at. You both pretty much have to be on the same page.

 

[anonymous]

I cheated on my husband when he was suffering from dementia and had had a stroke and was crippled. I later realized how awful this was of me and I stopped it. I became his friend again and loved him as best as I could. One thing important, he forgave me! One day, we both forgave each other for everything we'd ever done to one another.

Sometimes a person has to come to their senses and realize how wrong they are about something. It took me time. I regret deeply what I did. I suffered consequences too, because he told my family what I did to him, before he forgave me, before I quit it and before we made peace with one another. No one in my family has forgiven me except one niece who did a similar thing and ended up getting divorced because of it. My husband did not divorce me, though I certainly deserved it!

I have not read all your posts here. I only read page one, so I don't know the whole story or ending or how it is going now. I am sorry you are suffering and have suffered. That is mainly what I wanted to say.

 

[watundah]

Have you been to couples therapy?

 

[Gs172003]

an email that my husband sent to his parents and siblings about a week after everything ble...

So how did you come across this email?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Thank you all for your patience with me. I probably would have gone off in search of something shiny by now... :(

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Couples therapy - yes, for about 10 months, ending shortly before he said he was leaving.

The email - I had fairly close relationships with his family, and I was really upset because I figured he would play the victim to them. So he showed me the email.

 

[Sideways]

This is probably an unpopular view, but I think it's pretty normal that in long term relationships, people may go through a period when things are tough when they wonder if someone else would be...

Thing is, he did more than that. He convinced himself it was over. He planned to leave, and he went about looking for a replacement. In his mind, it got tough, so it was over. That's not how a marriage works.

This man has demonstrated time and again that when going gets tough, he not only looks to abandoning you, but he lies. And lies. And lies.

You deserve better than that. That's not the stuff of a long and happy marriage into your twilight years where things get tougher and tougher. The underlying love has to be more than just "I love you". The vow is that "I love you enough to stick with you, no matter what". And he can't do that. He simply can't.

And I agree that you are strong enough to face life without him, and that you could be so happy and content without a partner. Someone like you, though, there are always going to be good men, really genuinely good meb, when you are in the right space for it within yourself.

This, to me, isn't about winners and losers. This situation seems more about personal growth. You have both learned what you value in yourself, and your partner, and the relationship you're in isn't meeting those needs. He's offered you love at times. He's no doubt given you some really cherished memories. Take those with you. And keep growing.