I Need Other Perspectives, Please

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with @anthony, because the more the story comes out is that you both have issues not addressed.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Mal Content , I have zero knowledge on this issue, and can't offer an informe...

Mafia, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that! Thank you! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 33052]

***** So, here's the thing *****

Yesterday, my therapist asked me to describe myself 10 years from now. I see a woman who doesn't need to depend on anyone else for security, or acceptance, or loyalty, or love. I won't need it from a partner because I'll be able to satisfy those needs myself (theoretically) .

Then my therapist asked me to think of my current relationship, but with the tools I need so that I don't have to look to my husband to satisfy my needs. I expect the result was obvious. I wouldn't demand things of a partner that he's not able to provide. He wouldn't need to lie to keep the peace. Utopian dream? My therapist says not. He says this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I've simplified like crazy, but I think I'm getting my point out.

Now, I really want your opinions!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

So basically, I'm thinking that in healthy relationships, people only need each other for the companionship/intimacy-type needs.

My therapist could also be full of shit, but my instincts are telling me he's on to something...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Thinking out loud.... I imagine both partners would have to be emotionally healthy for this to work...

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Mal, I'm going to back out after this because I don't feel I have a right to an opinion, & I already wanted to say my comments are clouded by my own personality/ history- I view decisions in (all) of my relationships within a very wide scope of the end result of ~how would I feel if this person died kind-of-bl-or-white way (the Big Picture), and ask myself what does this person/ relationship mean to me, & then act accordingly. Also, I'd be so unlikely to get married if I actually did I would take the vows very seriously- sickness or in health, try to remember why I loved the person. But, I know many people get/ it's even preferential to get/ divorced.

Being afraid of the other person's reaction or anger can lead to hiding/ not telling the truth.

Remembering why you love them, being appreciative, restoring courtesy, thinking of your life without ALL of their presence, can sometimes start to restore some harmony (what we can do/ nothing dependent on the other person.)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

One more thing - does there have to be a winner and a loser? I was weaned on competition, so my view is skewed.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Junebug - very wise words. Another facet for me to study - and I most definitely will walk your thoughts around my head. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with me! :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Hugs @Mal Content . :hug:

Yes the relationship wins. :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mal content,
I don't know your backstory and have only recently come back to the site so I don't know you enough to have insights that would be useful. All I can say is that it seems there is much that you have both been dealing with. Him not very well. That must have a horrible affect on your PTSD. The crux for me would be that there is something fundamental in the way he reacts to things that is very destabilising for you. In my experience those day-to-day things are important in how one feels about being in a relationship. No matter how much we love someone. To me love is not the deciding factor. Well-being is. Although they are obviously both important. If that's the case and his reactions affect your well-being then there are only two considerations. Is he dedicated and able to change. Are you able to tolerate the resulting affect on your well-being if you are willing to stand by him while he does this. People don't decide to be someone different and - bam - it's all done. He has to do the same for what is right for him.

I tend to think that blame and what is what in relationships can be complex and multidimensional. I tend to avoid making quick judgements without knowing a lot. I think it's easier to rather think about if something is working on not and deciding accordingly. You have a whole lot on your plate with the PTSD. I would think if there is any reasonable way you can see him being a help rather than an extra strain.

And yes, I think healthy relationships are about 2 whole people sharing things with each other. Not looking to have the person fill gaps or play roles etc. Easy said! I also think it's OK to know what to aim for, have self awareness and work towards that. Just as well otherwise I would immediately check myself into that desert island I keep thinking I should go and live on!

Good luck!

 

[Abstract]

I don't think I expressed what I wanted to very well! What I meant to say is that I often find myself stuck in the who is responsible for what stuff. When in a bad emotional space I find it very hard to do that, It helps to rather think of what I need to be OK. When I'm able to.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm thinking that a relationship needs WAY more than just companionship/intimacy. How about trust, emotional support, I've got your back, respect, mutual likes and dislikes, values, honor, and the list can go on and on. Again just my opinion, but I think your therapist downgraded what a HEALTHY relationship should be.