Dom Violence Poisonous Marriage

[DeeDee000]

I'm married with my husband for 2 and a half years. We live in his country, in Finland I'm also European. He was a hard drug user , but he assured me that he quit drugs, he wants a new life. After movin to Finland he started to use all kinds of pills, sometimes he is going crazy and doing nonsense things when he is taking some particular pills. He is in the subutex treatment since last year.
Now he is supposed to have a clear urine tests. He is not doing other hard drugs but when he is taking this pills sometimes, his mind is far away from reality and the mean and hyperactive hallucinatory personality is taking place.
I'm having social anxiety and generalized anxiety. Trying to fit the system here. I don't know anybody and I cannot escape from these episodes when my husband is going crazy from those pills.
It's taking huge amount of energy to supervize him because when he is under influence he is messing up everything in the house. This enening he was spreading sugar with water on the table thinking that somebody in coming to count what he did. Then he was pouring soup in a plate, then back in the cattle and half on the table, then in the shower.
I feel so sad, I'm crying all the time, I'm going to therapy here but my next appointment is in one month and a half.
I want to have a life in this country , I'm scared to tdo big changes by myself. Basically I'm depending on my husband because I'm too scared to take initiative. He is handling with papers and bills, system is complicated and strict here.
I need so much somebody to talk too, I feel every time that I have less energy to go through this episodes. My anxiety is raising, there is a big pressure.
When he doesn't take this pills he is very nice person, and I m lying to myself and enjoy the moments with him when he is fine.
I just wanna scream and hide in a hole. I'm blaming myself for being so weak and accepting this situation just because I don't know how to be independent.
I think it's mentally killing me.
Now my husband fell asleep finally and I can cry in peace.

 

[Silver.]

My nieces ex acted the same exact way when he was on suboxone (similar medication, same purpose)
She ended up leaving him because she couldn't handle him on the pills, and if he went off them, he went back to using.

I don't really have any good advice for you other than if you are committed to this marriage, you need to try and force yourself to go out and explore, go to coffee shops, the library, shops, parks... anywhere social and try to make your own friends and try to carve a life for yourself outside of your marriage.
Do it in baby steps when it seems like it is just too hard to do. If you continue to isolate yourself from the world outside, your husband's actions, words etc are going to wear you down to the point where there will be little left of the real you and it will be impossible to try and make a life for yourself there.
Take Care

 

[DeeDee000]

My nieces ex acted the same exact way when he was on suboxone (similar medication, same purpose)
She en...

Yes I know this just taking me down. Sometimes I go for a walk around the city, spend time at the library, but here people are very cold. If they don't know you they are not going to say a word. I applied for a friend request at the Red Cross but I didn't get any reply, this was 2 months ago.
I know that I need help to see things in a different way, to get more self esteem because this leads nowhere. I will ask from my therapist again if there is any shelter in crisis situation for imigrants, but in the same time I can't leave from home, when my husband gets like that I have to take care that he doesn't blow up the house.
Thanks for good words.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I'm married with my husband for 2 and a half years. We live in his country, in Finland I'm also Eur...

You can slowly learn about everything, the bills, paperwork while just asking some questions and doing computer research on the side. You will slowly figure out how to take care of yourself.

Once drugs are involved or alcohol the victim is really in a bad situation. My mom was stuck with someone who undermined her her whole life, till the day she died.

That is exactly what we have to realize, a person like that will be perfectly happy to be "stuck" with you until the day you day.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Woops, I meant to say until the day you die. Then those marriage vows take on a whole different meaning don't they?

 

[aut555]

Lived in Finland. It's cold, the people are complicated no doubt. At the time l was there , not everyone spoke English. Are you near Helsinki? Probably more help for you? Do you have a plan incase he self-deteriorates? It's sounds like you need plan A and plan B. Because taking care of yourself is very important. Can you suggest he gets therapy, or drug rehab or you need to break-up with him? You have to look out for you.

 

[DeeDee000]

Lived in Finland. It's cold, the people are complicated no doubt. At the time l was there , not everyone...

I live in Tampere. People do speak English here but all the paperwork is in Finnish. I understand some Finnish, I have been in finnish language school for one year. The thing is that I dedicated all my energy to my husband. Even when things started to go down 2 years ago, I was living with the hope that he could change. All this drug world was knew to me. I have never met anybody using any substances before, and my husband didn't look like a drug addict, so I trusted him even when I saw he is manipulating the things in his favour. He helped me a lot to accommodate in Finland and I was trying to be supportive and understanding.
My social anxiety went worse this time, and my universe is too narrow, I isolated myself completely.
The only treatment my husband gets is subutex and he is happy with that.
My life is like a rollercoaster right now. Everything is fine and peaceful today, and tomorrow all can go upside down if my husband decides to put his brain on sleep mode and take those hypnotic pills from which he is going crazy for as long as he takes them.
The emotional damage is huge, every time I am trying to recover after his episodes, he is starting all over again.
There are some organisations here financed by the government who give temporary support in crisis situations. Soon I will make an appointment.
I just realised that I should find a way to take care of myself and not live others to decide for me anymore. I hope I can get support and more self esteem to do it.

 

[aut555]

So happy to hear this from you. Sometimes we get so wrapped up emotionally in someone else that we can't help ourselves. You have stepped out of the fog and are trying to figure what is best for you. That takes courage , persistence and placing yourself as number one. It maybe a tough road for awhile, they maybe some unknown things but stay on this path. You can't throw away your life for someone else. You have to much to live for.

 

[DeeDee000]

You can slowly learn about everything, the bills, paperwork while just asking some questions and...

I am sorry for your mom. I believe she's in a peaceful place now and happy.
Sometimes I also have the feeling that I'm going to die form too much stress and anxiety.

 

[DeeDee000]

So happy to hear this from you. Sometimes we get so wrapped up emotionally in someone else that we can't...

You are so right. But sometimes we loose our life purpose and life itself seems like it's not real. At least I am having these feelings lately, like I loose the sense of reality, the past, present and future. I hope I'm not loosing my mind and it's just a stress relief phenomenon.

 

[aut555]

I am sorry for your mom. I believe she's in a peaceful place now and happy.
Sometimes I also have...

Just realize that everything does change and pass. I had that too where l couldn't breathe. But at that point l was on meds, that got me through the rough spot until l could navigate on my own without meds. Do you think you might need meds at this point as a short-term option to help you deal and get back on your feet?

 

[DeeDee000]

Just realize that everything does change and pass. I had that too where l couldn't breathe. But at that...

The only meds I have now is propral, which is quite mild . I was trying diapam when my husband had on his prescription, it was helping me. I'm very sensitive to any mind altering pills. Doctors in Finland don't want to prescribe benzodiazepines, in their opinion they are too adictive . Well I was using them(diazepam ) for 2 months, 5 days per week and I didn't get addicted. They are prescribing this SSRI meds which are the most dangerous in my opinion. I had a bad experience with one doctor here, I asked for something mild to take the physical symptoms of anxiety away and she insisted to try venlaflaxine, the lowest dose 25 mg. I took one pill and for 3days and 3 night I had very bad mind altering experience. Felt like choking, I couldn't eat or drink, I couldn't sleep, I saw flashes everywhere , a depersonalisation feeling and dying thoughts, very scary. The flashbacks from this experience were lasting for a long time.
Next time when I have the therapy meeting I will try to ask for something that won't affect my mind, I need something relaxing.