Hello, I was diagnosed with delayed onset PTSD approximately three years ago. Up until that time I was told I had situational depression and anxiety....lots of situations...one after another had been happening since age 3, but I hadn't remembered any of them until the flashbacks began.
Age three is earliest I remember some of the neglectful and abusive behavior from my father. The mean treatment continued until the last few years when I began to understand his manipulative nasty behavior, with help from a patient therapist, and now know I do not need to allow him to control me anymore. He is bipolar, but refuses treatment...not my problem.
From a troubled childhood, I moved into a similar marriage. I was trying to escape the abuse from my father and moved into a marriage, which was what I believed I deserved. I didn't feel worthy and clung onto the first person who gave me some positive attention. After almost a year, I realized the guy I had married was bipolar as well and frequently he threatened suicide. He became a closet alcoholic and then began using drugs (I wasn't aware of this until later in the marriage.) The cycle of abuse continued....there would be a couple good days or months followed by abusive ones. During one mentally abusive time, he threatened the life of my son with a rifle. (I am unable right now to share as it is a major trigger and I just want to get the basic background shared at this time.) After almost 7 years with this abuser....nightly fears of being raped if he was drunk or worse, killed as he was hallucinating or depressed, I finally called it quits and made an escape plan with a women's coalition group and a therapist. I had to get my children to a safe place as they were what was most important in my life.
Things continued to remain dangerous until I moved 800 miles away from him. After the move, my children, now 4 and 8 adjusted quickly to their new life. Unfortunately, it put me within distance of my first abuser, my father. The ex continued in his ways and about a year and half after remarrying and two weeks before my boys would have to spend 8 weeks for a summer visitation, he was found dead at the bottom of his bed by his new wife (a fear of mine had come true for her.) He had been drunk and argued with her. Coroner ruled it death by asphyxiation due to morphine from heroin used. He also had anti-depressants, anti-psychotics (his prescriptions), Adderall (his step-children's), and alcohol in his blood.
I had stuffed for many years...not felt or dealt. It wasn't until the last few years when my children started to become young adults, that something opened up and the flashbacks, nightmares, sleep issues, phobias, and difficulties with daily routines started. I had had to be strong and in survival mode until I knew my boys were safe and now, I guess, it is time to deal.
Finding this website has helped me realize: 1. I am not alone. 2. There are others who have coping strategies I might be able to use. 3. When my support people are at wit's end with me, I have somewhere to turn in addition to contacting my therapist. While I know PTSD symptoms are going to be a daily challenge, I know I am not in it alone and help is available.
Age three is earliest I remember some of the neglectful and abusive behavior from my father. The mean treatment continued until the last few years when I began to understand his manipulative nasty behavior, with help from a patient therapist, and now know I do not need to allow him to control me anymore. He is bipolar, but refuses treatment...not my problem.
From a troubled childhood, I moved into a similar marriage. I was trying to escape the abuse from my father and moved into a marriage, which was what I believed I deserved. I didn't feel worthy and clung onto the first person who gave me some positive attention. After almost a year, I realized the guy I had married was bipolar as well and frequently he threatened suicide. He became a closet alcoholic and then began using drugs (I wasn't aware of this until later in the marriage.) The cycle of abuse continued....there would be a couple good days or months followed by abusive ones. During one mentally abusive time, he threatened the life of my son with a rifle. (I am unable right now to share as it is a major trigger and I just want to get the basic background shared at this time.) After almost 7 years with this abuser....nightly fears of being raped if he was drunk or worse, killed as he was hallucinating or depressed, I finally called it quits and made an escape plan with a women's coalition group and a therapist. I had to get my children to a safe place as they were what was most important in my life.
Things continued to remain dangerous until I moved 800 miles away from him. After the move, my children, now 4 and 8 adjusted quickly to their new life. Unfortunately, it put me within distance of my first abuser, my father. The ex continued in his ways and about a year and half after remarrying and two weeks before my boys would have to spend 8 weeks for a summer visitation, he was found dead at the bottom of his bed by his new wife (a fear of mine had come true for her.) He had been drunk and argued with her. Coroner ruled it death by asphyxiation due to morphine from heroin used. He also had anti-depressants, anti-psychotics (his prescriptions), Adderall (his step-children's), and alcohol in his blood.
I had stuffed for many years...not felt or dealt. It wasn't until the last few years when my children started to become young adults, that something opened up and the flashbacks, nightmares, sleep issues, phobias, and difficulties with daily routines started. I had had to be strong and in survival mode until I knew my boys were safe and now, I guess, it is time to deal.
Finding this website has helped me realize: 1. I am not alone. 2. There are others who have coping strategies I might be able to use. 3. When my support people are at wit's end with me, I have somewhere to turn in addition to contacting my therapist. While I know PTSD symptoms are going to be a daily challenge, I know I am not in it alone and help is available.
