Change

[Bigray79]

I've been having trouble with changing myself cause being unable to find words to express then i get angry and spit it like 2 year old.

I have cause these issues and broken trust lost with how to make her know just how important she is and how confused I get. I play things over and over in head to understand them which I think cause more confusion.

I don't know what to do

 

[Justmehere]

Have you thought about counseling for yourself? Not because anything is wrong with you but because you both have a lot on your plate and some outside support and coaching on how to deal with these tough moments might help.

 

[anthony]

I don't know what to do

We may agree to disagree on that statement Ray... you're here and talking, that is pretty much what to do -- talk and try and work solutions, issues and such.

What issues have you caused? How do you figure these issues have broken trust?

As for her feeling important to you, that is basic relationship stuff. Be there, listen to her, support her the best you can when she needs it, do things with her, love her, let her know you love her by telling her occasionally, and well, again, you're here trying to better yourself, which is a huge show of love towards a partner.

 

[Sideways]

Think I might be having similar issues, but instead of getting angry, I get frightened (and start acting like a frightened 2 year old).

My 2 and I just had a 2 hour marathon, and at the start, trying to string sentences together was near impossible. I sounded like someone having speech therapy because I was so frightened of all the change going on that I literally couldn't talk properly.

My T's response was to break it down and keep it simple: eat well, sleep well, exercise and lots of grounding. Then he drove me to the park (terrified) and we just walked along the river and sat down.

Sometimes the input gets too overwhelming, and we just bring it back to the real basics - stuff that feels solid and safe and is good for the mind and body on a really basic level. Fighting for positive change is great, but we gotta keep it at a pace that the brain can handle, you know? Every now and then I just need to ease off the accelerator and breathe...

 

[UnKnown-Self]

The was once a young man who had lots of friends but he would lose his temper easily and say the meanest things to them. He would always apologize but it would still happen again and again.
His father noticing this grabbed a bucket of nails and a hammer and said to his son come with me.
He took him out to an old post handed him the bucket of nails and hammer and said, " hammer the nails into the post."
The son knew by his father's tone, there were to be no questions and so her started hammering.

This went on for quite some time and finally the father told him to stop and asked his son, "what do you see?"
The son confused replied, "an old post with lots of nails"
The father then told his son, "Now, remove all the nails."
The young man pulled the nails out, one by one until the bucket was refilled.

The father then asked, "Now what do you see?"
His exhausted son replied, "A post with a lot of holes."
Will the holes go away? Asked the father, the son replied of course not.

Then the father explained:
Each time you hurl angry words at someone it is like driving in a nail. You can apologize and that might remove the nail but the damage is done and the hole always remains....

 

[Bigray79]

The was once a young man who had lots of friends but he would lose his temper easily and sa...

That's very deep yet simple way to put it

 

[Bigray79]

Think I might be having similar issues, but instead of getting angry, I get frightened (and star...

I think afterwards my angry is a bit more frightenedand trying yo be strong by not showing it

 

[Justmehere]

Learning to be more ok with vulnerability has really helped me with anger. It has taken a lot of time and work but it has been worth it.

 

[Bigray79]

Have you thought about counseling for yourself? Not because anything is wrong with you but because y...

Yeah starting to feel like that might be a good idea to help get what's in my head out and help to translate it to real world

 

[Bigray79]

Learning to be more ok with vulnerability has really helped me with anger. It has taken a lot of tim...

Yeah that's a tough one for me I've made myself not show that sunce 14 when mum got cancer.
I feel like that I've opened up and shown that part of me then stopped. I'm very proud of my strength but not my weakness

 

[mary1979]

Precisely @Justmehere he struggles with anyone seeing his vulnerability and becomes defensive and angry whenever I touch on it.
His angry isn't like angry I've known before him so its not usually a big deal for me, but the issue thats caused the trust issues (his past and drug problems really, he hid so much for so long trying to protect me that I struggle to discern what was real and what wasn't) is one I'm having a hard time letting go of.
I have an unrealistic need to know EVERYTHING he hid from me for that period of time.
Combine that fact with his inability to show weakness and we have this unresolved issue that keeps going in circles.

Some of it is up to me to let go of, and some of it up to him to clear up for me.
I'm simplifying it a little, but that is the crux.

The hole in the pole analogy is perfect for us, both @Alice.in.Wonderland, I sometimes worry there isn't enough bog in the world to mend all these holes :(

And you are right @anthony all the effort he puts in DOES show me he loves me, wtf is wrong with me that this in itself isn't enough for me?
I'm such an ass :(

 

[Bigray79]

We may agree to disagree on that statement Ray... you're here and talking, that is pretty much what to do -...

I've vented in public ways and talked in ways that upset her which has broken trust.
Like you told me before I want to fix things now and I overthink till i worked up trying to find ways. Really starting to feel like counseling good idea to help process my head