Narc Ptsd And Reenactment Issues?

[xraydave]

Hey there.

I wanted to start this thread way before i had a little 'internet fallout' with other members on here (one of many, many - fallouts, whether online or out in the world, with either friends, potential girfriends or people who were older and wiser than i am and usually bigger* than myself - oh the lunchboxes i have taken to the face)

I just want to make myself clear to others who have to deal with me from this point, and from this point forward, that everything has a reason, and myptsd, is not 'your ptsd', those are two different things. @Ragdoll Circus and @EveHarrington, i want to say im not sorry for being rebellious*, but this is all about me as well. (oh the hilarious narc irony)

so Ive suffered from physical and emotional abuse from certain low empathy people in my life - my family is like a pool of narcs and borderlines. and that's what ive learned from psychotherapy, after so many years of thinking there was 'something wrong with me'. my psychiatrist says that the physical abuse my brother has made against me, is a trauma, and one of the many traumas ive faced, my psychologist speculated that my brother and not my father has NPD (Narcisstic personality disorder) - considering how theyve both treated me i would say they both have obvious signs of it. either way, they have empathy disorders.

what is the point of this whole forum post? well, basically, i have no idea what i am dealing with or what i am putting other people through. it is frustrating. like i dont know whether my PTSD, is causing me to adopt narcissistic features. and become low empathy, when it comes to dealing with people.

likewise, as a result, i can maintain friendships but i think i lack the ability to ask myself 'how would this make this person feel?' - that's a difficult question, but it most definitely helps for memory formation when i am studying a text for some reason - like it's a deficiency of mine. and when my psychologists are telling me i dont have narcissm and my diagnosis is telling me i have ptsd due to narcisstic abuse, i dont know what to make of not understanding others emotional events at times, or how what i say will make people feel before i say it.

this makes me distance friends and potential people i could start relationships with - i am not an admirable person to say the most, ive never had a relationship with a girl, and that's embarrassing for 20 year old adult. and i dont have 'friends' who i can hang out with, because maybe, there is something inside them that tells them ' something is not right about this one' or that they just dont see any quality of life in hanging out with a low empathy mindless drone of some sort, who is me.

so, yeah, woe is me. above all this, i try to be a good person. and there is so much* i am holding back, which i could have modelled, from these narcs in my life. when i was small i remember involving myself like a doormat and compliantly stealing, and later verbally retorting against kids for minor things in year 10, but all of this led to serious bullying, and i guess ive learned my lesson and tried to be a better person? i dont know what to make of all this either.

maybe i am the narcissist, and its most likely 'all me and my fault' the bullying, everything, the abuse, but i know one thing for sure - that the narcs in my family are doing plenty good in the relationships they have, because they have masks* which they hide their abuse behind, and never admit to doing any wrong or rationalize it away. what is my ptsd?

Any clarity?

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't think a narcissist would write something like this. I don't think you would write this if you didn't care. Sometimes it is hard to see past our own trauma.

 

[xraydave]

@Fadeaway

then why do i have so many problems with people in this manner? :/ maybe i am reenacting it, and putting narc behaviours onto others, and distancing them.

i mean even a mod on here, made a whole list of all the things that 'i was getting wrong', and that must be a sign. 3 people saying i got this all messed up.

 

[Fadeaway]

My guess would be that it is learned behavior from childhood. You weren't taught a lot of positive interaction skills most people learn from their parents.

 

[xraydave]

@Fadeaway
that makes a lot of sense. im a psych student (yeah i know right haha) but i was thinking about modelling, and that i must have adopted some behaviours. but you know sometimes, intelligence can play a role? if you have a certain protective factor like intelligence, you can work around these things. but maybe i still have some of these behaviours. which sucks.

i was hoping a lot of people here could help me, but i guess everyone is suffering with this stuff as well, so it's not really easy to get straight advice or tips on how to go through this.

 

[ladee]

So , what is your question? Or what do you need feedback about? I know it's me, just not following what is going on... but wanted to ask before I throw all kinds of words out there that are meaningless.

 

[joeylittle]

@xraydave - have you thought about going back into therapy to dig into some of these issues?

i dont know what to make of not understanding others emotional events at times, or how what i say will make people feel before i say it.

You've brought this up before I think, but I'm wondering - have you been formally evaluated to see if you are anywhere on the autistic spectrum?

my diagnosis is telling me i have ptsd due to narcisstic abuse

I'm not sure I totally understand this - could you write about it a little more? From what I'm gathering, physical abuse by your brother was the root cause of your PTSD - but I don't know that there's a meaningful correlation between what personality disorder he might have and the way your PTSD works.

That, of course, how we are raised really has a big influence on the way we are in the world, and being raised in an abusive household has ramifications for how we manage our relationships. Thats definitely something that can be worked on, and worked through. But the process may be separate from the PTSD therapy process.

DBT is pretty great in the interpersonal effectiveness department. You also have some negative views of yourself (don't we all), and I have found DBT to be the most helpful thing, hands down. This site is useful: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com, and this book is excellent:https://www.bookdepository.com/Dial...kills-Workbook-Jeffrey-Brantley/9781572245136

 

[Sideways]

I agree that you don't sound narcissistic. Troubled? Sure, but that's par for the course round here. What you're describing shows a tonne of personal insight, and I hope you stick with this forum because it can be such a great support.

To be fair on yourself, growing up surrounded by BPD and NPD would have made it immensely difficult to learn the basics growing up at home about healthy human interaction that most of us take for granted. Your role models were suffering from major personality issues that have a really disastrous impact even on stablr, healthy grounded adults, and you were just a child swamped by all of that. And then you dump abuse on top of that again and sure, your recovery is still a work in progress. But the odds were hugely stacked against you, and look how far you've come:)

 

[mary1979]

Autism spectrum crossed my mind also while reading this, I have a close friend in his early 20's who struggled with behavioural issues, conforming, authority figures and the big one, empathy for others throughout his childhood until being diagnosed on the spectrum age 17.
His manner is identical to yours, comes off brash and upfront but that's because in his mind white lies and pandering to others serves no purpose, he figures he's wasting his time and could better assist others if he calls it like he sees it.

There's a great book about a guy on the spectrum, his experiences growing up and how he became the bloke who designed the electricals for pink floyds famous concert with the flaming guitars, I think you'd identify with him really well.
The book is called Look me in the eye by John Elder Robinson.

The upside of autism is that usually they have some level of genius in another area to compensate, your intelligence shows that too.
Psych is a great avenue for you, anyone can learn empathy.
My young friend now has a lovely gf and a baby and is the most affectionate guy you'll meet. He still calls it how he sees it though.

Of course it could be learned behaviours also, but you're definitely no narc.

As an aside, I want to apologise for taking a swipe at you earlier, if id realised how young you are I wouldn't have.
Thats the other disadvantage you have right now, all 20 something year old males have an ego they are trying to fiercely uphold, as well as prove to the world they are a man.

The odds are stacked against you right now, you're doing a pretty good job at trying to overcome them.
Good luck

 

[lostforgottensoul]

so Ive suffered from physical and emotional abuse from certain low empathy people in my life - my family is like a pool of narcs and borderlines.

NPD does make it hard to be empathic (not impossible) but BPD doesnt. BPD makes you, or makes me, highly empathic to the point that if I upset someone I must cut.

I do agree, however, that if a BPD parent doesnt do what Id do (make sure i was getting high amounts of therapy, take any medication that helped, and take parenting classes etc) and just explodes all over the child, that would be harmful and traumatizing.

I also agree that you should have yourself tested to see if you are on a functional side of the Autism spectrum. There's such a huge spectrum and there are therapies for autism and therapies depend on where on the spectrum you fall (from my understanding). I didnt realize low empathy was part of autism but you learn something every day.

Either way, growing up as such is going to cause a lot of emotional issues. Bullying by itself is very damaging. I as well was a victim of severe bullying but stayed for more as i didnt want to go home. It in of itself can make you feel worthless. But nothing in this screams NPD to me. Im not a therapist but I would be suprised if that was a diagnosis.

Lastly, I second @joeylittle's DBT site & book. I have the DBT workbook which is amazing (the one JL linked you to, she beat me too it ;)). DBT teaches you how to regulate emotions and tolerate distress better. Its an amazing therapy!

 

[xraydave]

@joeylittle i have been formally evaluated and raised concerns about autism, but the psychdoc only was convinced by ptsd.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but the psychdoc only was convinced by ptsd.

Maybe a 2nd opinion or a specialist?

Either way, you have PTSD but NPD? Very very doubtful.