Drawing That Line.

[mary1979]

I sometimes yell. I do have a temper, and I can get frustrated, and I sometimes yell when I do. (Often...

I never have hit my children (actually this is a lie. My youngest daughter got suspended 3 times in her very first yr of school, at my witts end, and having tried every technique from.punishment to ignoring, I told her if it happened again I would spank her. I was mortified when she was suspended yet again a month later, and put her over my knee. Even more mortified that 4 years later, she has never been in trouble again. Still dont know why that worked when nothing else did, and STILL hate myself for crossing that line. Also, she tells everyone about 'that time Mummy bashed me' :(

Hitting someone smaller than me is in my mind unforgivable.
They are defenceless against our sheer size

 

[mary1979]

@mary1979 I think I was. It's taken me awhile to comes to grips with that. My mo...

So you were not hit?

Actually my own Mother said to me not 3 days ago, she wished my Dad had beat her.
Then she would be able to see it clearly as domestic violence.

She is still recovering from the emotional scars a decade after him leaving her.

She is right.

 

[mary1979]

N

I think my reactions sit on an extremely unbalanced seesaw, with other people being violated weighe...

Never hit through loss of control?

Lol. I'm like 30000 questions a minute I know.
I'm sorry

 

[scout86]

They are defenceless against our sheer size

That's true, and I think I get where you're coming from. I think spanking is some kind of last resort, but I also think it's possible to do it from a place of "love" not anger, rage, the desire to intimidate, or something along those lines. And I think the kid knows, or CAN know, what the motive is.

Teaching your daughter something she needs to learn, especially when she's VERY young, isn't negotiable, is it? You WANT her to be "defenseless" against your demand that she look before crossing the street, don't you? I don't see whether or not someone CAN defend themselves as the controlling factor. The only reason I can see for hitting a kid is if there's something you need them to learn and you can find no other way to make your point.

 

[mary1979]

I sometimes yell. I do have a temper, and I can get frustrated, and I sometimes yell when I do. (Often...

I have hit my kids Dad, when I was very very young, think 19.
Three times from memory

Once because he crashed both our cars,.smashed a window and broke our new stereo
Another because he said I was a slut who f*cked.my father because I wanted to.
And the third for forgetting to pick our daughter up from kinder.
Would these be justifiable reasons?

 

[mary1979]

That's true, and I think I get where you're coming from. I think spanking is some kind of last resort,...

I managed to raise my 20 and 18 yr old without single smack
With them the threat was enough.

Actually, appealing to their conscious was enough.

Actually. Im trying to work out if I over reacted to a.situation in my marriage.

Im worried I handled something badly because I was so determined to draw a line, and stand up for myself.

 

[Air]

Another because he said I was a slut who f*cked.my father because I wanted to.

God that's a f*cked up thing to say, it seems the most justifiable of all of them by far. Maybe the other ones could have been mistakes but there's no reason for someone to say that other than causing harm, and someone who's deliberately causing emotional pain shouldn't really be surprised if they get caused pain back, just like if he were to punch you.

 

[scout86]

Im worried I handled something badly because I was so determined to draw a line, and stand up for myself.

I think it's VERY easy to do that.

The situations with your kids dad...... I probably wouldn't have hit him because I fully expect to have to deal with a physically violent confrontation from the second I throw a punch and I'd want to be sure I'd WIN. I wouldn't care about what happens to me if I'm defending someone else, and, if I'm defending myself, well then it's already a physically dangerous situation. T

The first question I try to ask myself is "What do I want to accomplish?" When I know the answer to that, I look for the safest and easiest way to get there from here. Assuming I'm being rational. And I have the kind of appreciation of physical force that lets me stay pretty rational.

 

[mary1979]

God that's a f*cked up thing to say, it seems the most justifiable of all of them by far. Maybe the other o...

Thats where the lines become blurred though isn't it :(
Because then it becomes, if you can give it, you can take it.

 

[mary1979]

I think it's VERY easy to do that.

The situations with your kids dad...... I probably wouldn't have hi...

Yes, I totally agree with you.
I was very young then and not at all in control of my emotions yet.
I just reacted.

Unbelievably he never did hit me back.
Not once did he ever lay a hand on me actually
And because of those 3 occasions, I was labeled the abusive one in the relationship

It would be 15 years before I learned that what he was doing to me was much worse, and he justified it all by my temper in those early days, and my infidelity.

Thus leading me to believe I deserved the years of name calling, spitting in my face, sleep deprevation, constant suicide threats and outright attempts.

I'd been an abusive cheat after all right?

 

[Air]

Because then it becomes, if you can give it, you can take it.

I suppose so, but I think it's more about the time frame. No one deserves that out of the blue (I'm assuming the lead up to this wasn't an argument where you were being equally emotionally abusive to him), and in a situation like that I think it's totally normal and not unethical to just punch them in the heat of the moment. I mean it might not be the most incredible response to make, but given the circumstances I wouldn't fault you for it at all. The sort of calculated revenge that I think is a more of a problem requires some more thought to it, it's not like you decided that you needed revenge to feel right, it was a more a gut reaction to his incredible assholeness I'm guessing. It is a blurry line of course, but my general thought is while hitting is pretty much never the best response, it's not always a bad one.

 

[mary1979]

I suppose so, but I think it's more about the time frame. No one deserves that out of the blue (I'm assumin...

Thank you for your supportive response :)

I do not recall the context now, so many years later, I only mention it by way of finding out others boundaries and limits.
He was incredibly cruel so far as words go, that was not the worst, he would often use my most vulnerable secrets against me later, even publically.
Those 3 times were just before i had completed therapy and learned to monitor my own actions accordingly.

I was a very angry and volatile person myself as a teen Mum.
Which justified the years of torture in my mind
I thought I deserved his hatred

How about you @Air, what is your personal line in the sand?
Are you a survivor of child abuse also?