Someone Please Tell Me Why....

[Ava Jarvis]

I need help on a thing.

Why should I spend money on myself when so many people are in need, including a few of my friends?

If I can answer this, I can cut the cycles of self abuse that perpetuate themselves.

Basically two years ago I helped a young man get out of an abusive relationship and housed him. I didn't want to have sex with him or any kind of relationship, I just wanted to help. This cost several thousand dollars to do and I housed him for basically free.

He emotionally abused me. Like, he said I worked too hard and too much and needed to spend more time at home cleaning the house (he never cleaned the house). Also he said that everything I worked for was worthless because my house is so small, he's seen apartments bigger than my house, and why am I trying to get a house anyways, especially such a worthless house? He isolated me from my friends, said that I only cause trouble with my mental illnesses and I should stay far away from my friends.

He said that I never had a use for all the money I was saving, and I was such a miser.

I started describing his behavior on my old tumblr and to friends, and he told me I was a creep for doing so and needed to stop it.

I threw him out a year ago. Or two years ago? I'm not good with time sometimes.

So like my brain knows that he was not a good person and very little he said was true and that he was an abuser.

But like. Am I wrong to save money for myself? I have no family and no support. Everything I do, it has to last and I have to live on it. Now I have no job and it is more vital than ever to do so.

But like. Am I a bad person to not spend money on other people right now?

And if not, why not?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

No, you're not bad, you're protecting yourself because right now, you need to :hug:

 

[ladee]

Of course you aren't a bad person for not spending your hard earned money on others !!!! You worked for that money and know better than some low life moocher what your finances are and how long you need it to last... I am sorry that guy was such a jerk.. I need help sometimes from my friends because I am so far below the poverty level it doesn't even warrant a number... but I would never ask someone to take me in and then abuse them.
Ava, you are such a sweetheart !! It makes me angry that someone would use you that way and then not even have the common courtesy to do things around the house, much less not even say thank you and be grateful...
It's YOUR money !!!You are under no obligation to take care of anyone but yourself... be good to you !!! Sending you hugs because of your huge heart !!! :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you're not a bad person because you don't spend your money on other people.

There are tonnes of ways to give back to other people that don't involve money in the least. And oftentimes these are even better than money.

I don't know you well but I can see that right now it seems to me that your focus should be in yourself and your own health. It's very smart to save money as you have. If you gave all of your money away, then things would be worse now, right?

Sending positive thoughts your way! :hug:

 

[Cavegirl]

Good for you saving up money! It's hard to save for a lot of people because it's connected to self worth and planning for the future. I think it's great you are taking care of you. Don't feel bad you aren't helping anyone because you are... you're helping yourself.

 

[Neverthesame]

I guess beggars can be choosers.

If he didn't want to be portrayed as a freeloading lump. He should have taken some of that time he spent whining about you, and gotten a job, or picked up a mop, or washed some dishes.

Don't want to be called a loser? Don't act like one.
Don't like how small your FREE accomodations are? Get the hell out, don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
Don't like how someone else budgets their own money? Tough.

As for your conscience with regards to poverty and need in the wide world over? That is more personal to you. I can tell you what I think, but it doesn't make either of us right or wrong.

If you want to give your excess to the needy, go for it. Though I honestly believe that one should be secure in their position first.

I give to charity, I think it's a good thing to do. I don't think I should impoverish myself doing so. Even in the wealthy land of abundance that is north America, it's not easy to get by. We certainly have it better than alot of places, but that being said. Breaking ourselves financially to give to (say for example, starving Ethiopian children) If you gave every dime you have. To the point where you are living in a cardboard box wearing rags. That money being spread about isn't going to raise anyone's quality of life to any significant degree. In order to effect change to such a degree, everyone would have to give alot.

Would be great if it happened, but it's probably not going to anytime soon. Making yourself miserable to do next to nothing is (in my opinion) a bad thing. You work hard for what you have, it's yours to give or keep.

This is getting long, sorry. I'm almost done.

Up until a few years ago, I was always just sufficiently employed. I had enough to pay my rent and bills, not much more. The first time I became gainfully employed, was one of the best feelings I've had in years. Being able to put money aside, so I can deal with a sudden expense, without having to figure out how I am going to afford food later. It's such a simple thing, but it is one of the things that keeps me sane.

I have found this also makes giving to things such as charity, more meaningful. As the giving isn't marred by the anxiety of maybe needing that money myself. Though I strictly speaking for myself in this regard.

If ensuring your own survival is selfish, then so be it. I guess selfishness is overly dæmomized.

 

[mary1979]

What an ungrateful jackass.
Who clearly wouldn't know responsibility and living within ones means if it bit him on the butt.

You owe no one anything except you.
And you rely on no one for anything, you are completely self sufficient.

Thats pretty bloody admirable in my book.

Advice from a loser like that is worth nothing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, replying without reading other replies because this is up my alley.

But like. Am I wrong to save money for myself? I have no

Aboultly, positively NOT!!! First, as someone that has been single (single income) most of my adult life, and someone that started to pay bills at 12 yrs old, my bills are always paid on time and I save every single penny I can. I have to.

Am I a bad person to not spend money on other people right now?

Nope, sure arent. If you cant afford it then you cant afford it. This is where boundries come in. "Can I borrow $5?" And you are scraping by as it is, then the answer is "I dont have $5 to spare, sorry". And if you do that, chances are they wont ask for money again opposed to if you give it they likely will target you as the one to always ask to borrow money and if its not a good friend, likely wont give that money back. Been there done that a bazillon times. Even some family members that just call me to ask for money but in the past they havent given it back then no and why are you only calling me for money?

This is where you learn true friends and superficial friends. In my opinion.

If I cant spend money on a girft for you on your birthday then you just get a card. Christmas I buy throughout the year, in Jan I start to make lists of what one may want of those I know well and then wait until a good one is on sale, buy it, put a tag or painter's tape on the box and write "[person's name] xmas gift". They are placed in a certian hidden spot in my walk in closet but just find a good closet or a good hidden space to put them. And I limit the amount of people I buy girfts for. The remainder get just cards.

I have trouble spending on myself, even like buying shoes when I have a hole in mine or socks when i need them. That im working on and then every year I buy a a big expensive Christmas gift for myself, I save all year for it and it only takes $10 or $15 a paycheck (every 2 weeks for me).

Thats just me though. I hope I validated saving and not spending money on other people. Saving is so important and not enough do so.

 

[Ronin]

Why should I spend money on myself when so many people are in need, including a few of my friends?

Because you're part of that 'people' and 'in need' and 'deserving of help'.

Besides, judging some as not deserving of help because others have it worse is internalized classism and ableism, feeling entitled to judge a value of person based on artificial traits that may not apply and not recognizing being 'worse off' can have many forms.

And there's this antiableism Avabat I'm still taking pointers from. ;)

 

[Ronin]

Am I a bad person to not spend money on other people right now?

And nope, not a bad person.
One shouldn't be asked to give when they themselves are struggling.
It's counterintuitive & doesn't work.

Giving to others isn't a duty.
It's something to choose & something to do when one can.

Besides, giving has many forms, too.
You care. You give so much already, by that alone.
You care and give them your heart.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Why should I spend money on myself when so many people are in need, including a few of my friends?

I missed this question.

I struggle for buying for myself too, I have socks with holes and struggled to buy new socks. Same with shoes, I wear them until they have a hole in the bottom or the sole is pealing off and struggle to buy new ones but if someone i know is in need i will give them money.

You deserve because you are the most important person in your life! Try saying that, try to believe that.

I go up to the socks in the store and say to myself "I deserve new socks" then put them in the cart and DONT put them down before checkout.

Hope that helps some, gotta go to Dr. :hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

All the money that we receive, by whatever means (as long as they are legal, of course) is ours to spend or save as we see fit, as we desire. NO ONE has the right to tell someone how to take care of their money or what to do with it. I have seen couples who keep their money separate from one another and I have seen couples who pool their money., Either way, each person should have a say in where their money goes.

No, you are not wrong in saving money. There is an old saying to "Save your money for a rainy day." This simply means that one should save it for when things don't go as planned, so that they have some money to use in such situations or emergencies. Saving money is a WISE thing to do. Don't let an abusive person try to manipulate you into doing otherwise.