I Just Don't Know Anymore

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Well, I am not sure I really ever knew anything really when it comes down to it. I've been having more hard days than not lately.

I don't even know where to start and that's not like me. I usually have way too many words when it comes to writing.

I desperately want to feel support, to feel loved but I don't know how to reach out for it to those around me because I don't think I deserve it. I am a trapped, scared, little girl who thinks no one can love her when in reality I am grown-up and there are people who can love me and help me. But I can't reach them or believe in them some days, most days maybe, because I am trapped and scared and unlovable. I don't want to be alone.

 

[The Albatross]

It's the holding of two oppositional beliefs as fact that are driving your distress. Ultimately it comes down to picking one and endeavoring to accept it. In my own case I chose the one that was more generally beneficial and fact/evidence based, but the pain of staying the same had to outweigh the risk and difficulty of endeavoring to change/grow/heal.

 

[Suzetig]

I think both of those are true for different parts of you ie you are an adult with people who care about you but the scared little girl can't reach them. Not talking about dissociated parts, more different aspects of personality that come to the fore.

I found Dave Mearns' writing on configurations of self really helpful for helping me understand the different facets of my personality. I often feel very young and scared - when that happens I try to find a way to reassure that part of me that she's safe and to soothe her. Sometimes writing in my journal or cosying down with a blanket is enough to soothe her so that the more adult part can as for help.

I hope you feel soothed and safe soon.

 

[mary1979]

I think this is the battle of many of us who have lived with untreated ptsd.

Start small. One thing at a time.
What's the most self destructive thing you do?
Start taking steps to stop it.

For me it was quitting drinking.
And it was a head turner, took about 4 weeks for my head to clear and realise how bad id actually gotten.

From there each little step built self confidence and self worth.
The prouder I became of myself, the stronger I got.

I'm still working up to the part where I ask for help, but I can feel it getting closer.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks, @The Albatross . That is some good advice. I've heard similar things before, but I like the way you put it.

I think both of those are true for different parts of you

I believe that's true. I do have dissociative parts so it does get jumbled, but I really did mean it more as a metaphor in this sense and not as a part thing though it definitely is all related.

Start small. One thing at a time.
What's the most self destructive thing you do?

That's good advice, too. I just can't figure that out. Is it my negative thinking or self-harm or ... Something to ponder.

 

[The Albatross]

Anthony has a good article here about thinking style and patterns... maybe a quick read will make something click?

 

[The Albatross]

Here's the one I was thinking of: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/unhelpful-thinking-styles.13778/#post-174045

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks again, @The Albatross , I will check it out.

 

[The Albatross]

Here's this one too... I went looking for it cuz I wanted to give it another look and it's more than the basic 10: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/cognitive-distortion-list-do-you-see-any-that-you-do.58223/

 

[MySunrise64]

I can empathize with you. I wake up most days crying as the day goes on I struggle to use coping skills and by evening I take my meds and they knock me out and I wake up 3-4 am sometimes I can't go back to sleep. It's a daily struggle. I don't like being around a lot of people either. All of your words hit home.