How do you stop being so hard on youself?

[EveHarrington]

That's what I focus on, self compassion. I have found it extremely helpful. I'm glad you do, too. :) I should probably add in more skills/tools. Thanks for starting a great thread on this topic as I'll be able to learn a great deal from it myself.

 

[Suzetig]

I've not been able to do it at all using CBT methods, I can challenge my thinking styles but it doesn't "sink in", if that makes sense. I'm starting to do it by trying to recognise that what happened to me was not ok, I did what I could to survive it and that now it's ok to treat myself with kindness.

I also find great healing in my relationships with other people who are accepting of me, who love me and care for me. I can then try to give myself the same care because I deserve it. There's no one size fixes all with this stuff and I find it's a moving target, so the thing that got me through today may not tomorrow.

 

[ms spock]

It does make sense @Suzetig. I have been reading "Mindfulness Orientated Interventions for Trauma" and it does talk about how CBT doesn't really work for complex trauma but self compassion was an indicator of not getting PTSD. So that is interesting.

 

[Friday]

How did you identify that you are being hard on yourself?
- When the results hurt me, instead of help me.
- When "it" could be fun, but isn't.
- When the punishment doesn't suit the crime.

How do you break it down?

How did you learn to trust your own perceptions?
- Practice & Results.

How did you learn that you are not bad all the time?
- Cognitive Distortion. Always/Never, All/None
- I'm just not that good ;) Meaning even if I tried my damnedest to be bad all the time? How does one brush their teeth villainously?
- Reframe Good/Bad with a different judgement that I can use to work on changing what I dislike and strengthening what I do like. ((Like if I write something and dislike it? Well, that's just plain bad... Doesn't tell me anything. Well, that could use some clarity... Does tell me what I want.))

How did you reteach yourself that you are not wrong at your very core?
To me, wrong is perceptive. Meaning what's wrong for one person is right for another person. Meaning that in order to not be wrong? FIRST I have to decide what's right. Not anyone else's definitions, but my own. Which also means sorting out what I need/want, as well as subjective morality.

How did you get over the thoughts that nothing that you do will be good enough, ever?
- Cognitive distortion. Always/never
- Cognitive distortion. Disqualifying the positive.
- Actively seek out and find holes to that theory/belief. Then expand them. Then prioritize.
- Accepting that not only will nothing I do ever be good enough for some people, but I sure as hell don't want to meet their definition of what's good enough. This ties into knowing my own mind, and holding my own separate belief structure ... Instead of taking on someone else's belief structure.

 

[ghotiff]

Cognitive Distortion. Always/Never, All/None

This reminded me...one of the words that is a huge red flag for me .... "should".
Eg, I "should" not have done that means a very different thing than the internal dialogue of I "wish" I hadn't done that. Should implies blame and failure, wish implies an unfortunate mistake.

 

[ms spock]

How did you get over the thoughts that nothing that you do will be good enough, ever?
- Cognitive distortion. Always/never

Can you say more about this please?

 

[Ellabella44]

I take my emotional temperature - am I anxious about the task at hand?

If yes, then how would I handle one of my kids if they were anxious about the same task?

Answer : compassion for their struggle, teachable moments, and encouragement. But since it is me and at this point i'm somewhat raising my inner child she deserves the same compassion and to learn how to get out of her own way.

Kids think they will never do good at something they feel is difficult for them. Like learning to ride a bike. yes its an exercise in frustration while trying to learn to balance to stay up on the bike and keep it going. But once they do it for the first time successfully its a huge sense of accomplishment.

so when anxiety puts me in the mindset that I will fail and always be a failure, I have to do the self compassion break, ask my questions, decide that the only thing holding me back is my fear of failure, and attempt to move on from there.

not always a sucessful process, but I am realizing that I am capable of more than I think I am given the right circumstances and patience.

 

[The Albatross]

@Ms Spock said "...it does talk about how CBT doesn't really work for complex trauma..."

Beg to differ on CBT and whether or not it is assistive for complex traumas. The techniques though need to be learned and practiced until they become a new behavior. Is it for EVERYBODY? Well probably not, but you really never know unless you endeavor to try. I did though start with the REBT stuff and when that seemed to give me improvements and some noticeable improvements moved it up to CBT.

Two articles from Anthony about CBT just off the bat, his article on Complex PTSD says, "... Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the optimal method for dealing with CPTSD to achieve long-term cognitive restructuring. With complex PTSD, CBT is the treatment of choice for long-term results versus short-term results. It is not uncommon for trauma therapists to use a combination of both EMDR and CBT to target traumatic aspects uniquely, depending on emotional severity and sensitivity. CBT includes Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT), as DBT is a varied form of CBT.

One of the largest problems when dealing with complex PTSD is that the sufferer has a high risk of suicidality or self-injurious behavior. Therapists are often stuck between a rock and a hard place with many CPTSD sufferers, due to the legal obligation in treatment to ensure that their patient does not harm themselves or someone else. This can limit how hard they push to achieve the results needed for change."
Link: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understand-complex-ptsd-cptsd.83518/

In his article Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, he states: "... accounting for actual clinician success rates, which are on average above 85% for CBT use in conjunction with PTSD. The Australian National PTSD course has reported rates from 50% to 90%, depending on location, course structure and physicians involved." (the blued link goes to a 25 page pdf file titled, Cognitive–Behavioral Therapy for Adult Anxiety Disorders in Clinical Practice: A Meta-Analysis of Effectiveness Studies by Rebecca E. Stewart and Dianne L. Chambless University of Pennsylvania)
Link: Link: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/cognitive-behavioral-therapy.85804/

Do I believe Anthony's take? Yes I do.

 

[Suzetig]

There is a clear evidence base for using CBT to treat a range of issues, including PTSD however there are also an increasing number of challenges to that evidence base. It's my experience that different approaches are helpful for different people at different points in their recovery.

CBT was helpful for me in terms of keeping me functional but actually addressing my trauma and its impact on my relationship with myself has needed a different, more relational approach. I need to relearn my relationship patterns, attachment patterns of you will, CBT hasn't been helpful at all for that, not because I didn't stick with it long enough but because for me the damage done in relationship has needed a therapeutic relationship to heal. By being in a relationship with a consistent, caring other who challenges my view of myself and who models kindness and self compassion, I'm learning to offer this to myself.

It's not a matter of "believing" @anthony's take on it - I know him to be incredibly knowledgable in his field and I respect his views - it's about knowing there are many different approaches and some will work better than others depending on the person, their experience of trauma, their processing style, the therapist etc etc. There are a good number of theorists who argue that a fairly wide ranging, holistic approach is most effective in working with trauma, particularly complex trauma. CBT is part of the toolkit, an important part, but it's not the whole toolkit by any manner of means.

 

[oasis2003]

:hug::hug:Well I have being accepting myself for who I am . I am trying to retrain my brain to be positive instead of negetive. I have been listening to a lot of Rick Hansen's work on podcasts he combines neuroscience with meditation. Staying with difficult emotions and accepting them . Being totally self compassionate . Learning how
to relax by paying attention and being mindful towards tense areas in my body. Doing lots of distraction activities such as jigsaws, colouring, drawing and listening to music. Meditating lots and lots . :hug:@Ms Spock

 

[GrayOwl]

Overwhelming. I need help here too. I think I'll just listen.
Thank you Ms Spock. Good topic.

 

[ms spock]

@The Albatross I am reading a few things about this lately - Follette, V., Briere, J., Rozelle, D., Hopper, J. W., & Rome, D. (2015). Mindfulness-Oriented Interventions for Trauma: Integrating Contemplative Practice. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

And think of how much CBT I have done - I am now into areas which the research shows that you can know the CBT and be able to identify the distorted thoughts and even come up with some challenges to that but it doesn't go in because of Complex Trauma complications. I am into other arenas of healing now. CBT will be helpful at times, but for some things it doesn't really work and you have to shift sideways in to other modalities. There is evidence based research to back it up as well. My psychiatrist is always going to or organising conferences that are to do with those areas. I don't understand it all but I am learning at this time.

I need to go way beyond CBT and of course update my skills in it but push myself to go further, a lot further than I am currently at now.