The Flirt Response

[RuthieJujube]

i'm so glad i read this thread! i've been too ashamed to bring this topic up to my therapist. i've been able to talk about most things now, but this behavior makes me feel so horrible, reprehensible, like she won't understand, that if i say it out loud, it will confirm that i'm bad. i have this deep fear that THAT woman is the real me and that if i acknowledge that part of me, that's what i'll become.

but that's what an abuser would like us to think, right? that this was our destiny and this is what we were meant for?

i've been beating myself up this week over something very inappropriate i said, when i should have known better. i've been thinking ... why do i always do this? i suppose recognizing patterns is a very important first step to changing them!

 

[Sideways]

but that's what an abuser would like us to think, right? that this was our destiny

My abuser taught me this was exactly the kind of person that I am. He went to a lot of effort to persuade me about that. Did a damn fine job of it, too.

Thing is, it was 22 years ago now. He doesn't give a toss about me or who I am or what I'm doing. He doesn't lose sleep over me. There were girls before me, and there were girls after me, and given his age and the fact that he's a psychopath - he probably barely even remembers me at all...if at all.

That's the part that makes it such a bitter pill to swallow. It's destroyed my life, those lessons are a b!tch to unlearn. But him? He actually doesn't give a good god damn about me any more.

Really hate that part.

 

[Zanshin]

My inner flirt believes in magical thinking... If I do this, the bad things will disappear, or at least I'll forget about them for a while. She doesn't seem as vicious, it's not a full dissociate, but there is definitely a "WTF just happened, how did that come out of my mouth" moment when she sneaks in, even if it's just as ideas in my head.

To some degree I think mine wants me to physically feel good when the rest of my brain normally rejects it, because feeling good was a blend with Very Bad Things before, so feeling good should now be avoided.

@Ragdoll Circus - We were posting at the same time. It's a bold suggestion, but I agree that he doesn't care about you any more... and maybe it's time for you to do so instead, to care about yourself in every good way you didn't get then. *gentle hugs if ok*

 

[RuthieJujube]

My abuser taught me this was exactly the kind of person that I am. He went to a lot of effort t...

my abuser taught me these things as well. it's been almost 20 years now and i'm just starting to understand and unravel everything. (mine was a religious fanatic and stepfather, who believed women invented sin by eating the apple, so that's what we do!) going 20 years without challenging his ideas (without knowing that they were making me sick!) gave those thoughts a long time to take root. so i'm trying to be patient with myself (and having patience might be the hardest part!)

i'd like to think that perhaps it's worse to be him, living with those horrible, hateful ideas every day. he had so much hate in him that he was blind to the good things in life.

just by being here on this forum, we're challenging the abuse. be proud of that! i think that makes us strong.

 

[Sideways]

@Zanshin - s'ok. Psychopath, so he didn't care about me then either! Ouch.

 

[Zanshin]

@Ragdoll Circus My sympathies for what you've experienced. I'm glad you've come through it and are working on healing.