I'm Sorry

[sonicwhite]

i got a 72 hour ban because of something I posted. For one nobody not even my doctor can convince me I have PTSD. Even tho I go thru nightmares I have a high doubt that I do. Because i abuse gabapentin for its euphoria that it causes.


It's not like the Normal Ant-Depressant type lift, it just makes me feel more confident this spewing anything out. Now after taking so much gabapentin in one time I notice that I have nightmares.


Back in 2010 my luck ran out and I had to go a week without gabapentin. This is when I first started to have nightmares. I had this dream of the ugliest thing with a robotic voice. I woke up shivering. Got my gabapentin that day and when I went to bed I had another dream that made me wake up and for the first time I consider suicide and option.


Now back in 2011 I told my doc I want off of it and I got off of it but continued to have nightmares. But klonopin took them away. I went into the psych ward in 2012 and they took me off klonopin and reintroduced gabapentin. I told them this isn't going to work. I get out and instead of telling the doc to just give me klonopin and leave out the gabapentin I decided to keep it. There has not been one month in the last four years I have not abused gabapentin. So all in all my dreams just maybe caused by gabapentin going up and down, never staying at a normal pace and shaking my brain like a Dr Pepper can.


I have an addiction to something that most ppl don't even get high off of but it makes me euphoric.


So I don't know what to do. I'm not going to go thru cold turkey withdraws and I can't wean because it doesn't matter how many you give me I'm going to abuse it. And there is nothing for gabapentin withdrawals. So I'm screwed all because the docs in the psych ward thought klonopin was more abusive. Lol I'm stuck like a turtle on the road.

 

[Mallaky]

For one nobody not even my doctor can convince me I have PTSD.

.... but ..... then ..... why post here?
Besides, your issue could be better helped with on a drug forum.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you considered going to an inpatient rehab facility? There are a handful in the US that take even Medicaid and can treat PTSD or any other conditions at the same time.

Even for gabapentin abuse.

You probably can't stop on your own, but that doesn't mean you can't stop. It means the way to stop is getting more help. Not just doing it in your own on an outpatient basis.

Antidepressants can sometimes make people "high" in a manic kind of way. Gabapentin abuse is uncommon but it does happen. This article describes the same kind of thing you experience: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/826680 There are tons of other articles on this type of substance abuse.

Having an addiction doesn't mean you don't have PTSD in addition to an addiction.

Do you feel like your treatment team is not helping enough with your drug abuse and nightmares?

Making true amends for getting high - it's more than saying sorry, it is doing something different than what you are already doing.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm not saying sorry for that, I'm saying sorry for what I posted. Yes I will prolly have to go to some detox facility but if they think I'm abusing gabapentin there going to think the same thing about the klonopin which I don't abuse. I'm tired of this.

It wasn't my fault to get me hooked on something like gabapentin because they thought it was a safe alternative to klonopin which I even said this isn't going to work. Doctors most the time think they know everything when they are totally clueless to somethings. I don't know what I'm going to do honestly. If I lose my klonopin then you might as well take my SSDI because I can't function without it.

 

[Justmehere]

Did the nightmares start before or after you started the klonopin?

Njggtmares can be made worse with klonopin - that might be one of the reasons the doctors are hesitant to give it to you.

 

[Virtues]

.... but ..... then ..... why post here?...

This was what I was thinking

 

[sonicwhite]

Cause I have had nightmares even without klonopin or gabapentin. If y'all would read what I said correctly there was a gap between 2011 and 2012 where I had no gabapentin and I still had pretty severe nightmares.


Yes I have been thru trauma and it could of been triggered when back in 2010 I had to go cold turkey of high doses.


Klonopin always took my nightmares away so I don't think they are causing them. I have GAD with panic disorder and their not going to give me another benzo.


I feel led to talk to the therapist about this because it's out of the same office as my doctors.


Klonopin was shown to stop nightmares in nightmare disorders. Not PTSD. So I don't know. It's all up in the air and the medscape link won't show what you're talking about unless you sign up and I ain't doing that.

 

[sonicwhite]

What if when I was triggered by pot and thought I was at Gods Judgment a flashback instead of a pure o OCD theme. Do they treat flashbacks with Anti Depressants? Because it would make sense because when I had my psychosis I thought I was dead and it was the end of the world.


So when I smoked cannabis it triggered a flashback and it was dissociative and so I was like in a major panic. I went to the psych ward in 2008 and they where like you're going to be safe here and I was like if I am at Gods judgment I'm not safe anywhere. This is when they first put me on Prozac. Then after that I started to come out of it. But klonopin was the best med for what I am and was going thru.


I don't have that feeling I'm at Gods judgment anymore unless I'm off a antidepressant so it would make sense that I would have nightmares regardless of what drug I was taking. Now gabapentin is probably making it worse so the best thing I can do is get off of it. How? Weaning in a psych ward would be the best idea but I'll be in there a month without being able to smoke.

So crap man what are my options. I don't know if a detox center will let me smoke but I need a active psychiatrist to guide me thru what I'm trying to do.

 

[Justmehere]

Whas more important: recovery or smoking?

 

[Virtues]

How many mg of neurontin do you take every day?

 

[Sideways]

I'm gonna put this out there, and I know that a lot of people aren't going to agree. But having followed your posts for a while now, I think you have a plain old addiction problem, as in, should be attending NA and taking it seriously. Stop your head trying to convince you that getting straight is too hard because x, y and z. You need to get straight. Period.

I'm betting, from what I know about your story, that probably you do have ptsd underneath it all. And that needs to be treated. But you're not gonna be able to treat it until you stop covering it up with all the junk you're putting into your system. And that includes pot.

Coming up with reasons why you can't quit, or why this and that help and you can't function without it? Sounds a lot like what an addict would say during the denial phase.

Time to stop "self-medicating", do what you need to do to get straight (yes, including the pot), so you can actually start the treatment you need to start feeling genuinely better.

*Steps down off soap box*

 

[sonicwhite]

I haven't smoked pot since 2008 so I don't know why you are saying that. I'm saying pot is what triggered the thinking I was at Gods judgement, now yes I need klonopin. You want to talk to my doc and hear why he thinks my anxiety is so bad. Too much to put on here.


Gabapentin I have no excuse on. I just shouldn't be on it. But I love the high so much I refuse to come off of it. I don't have the sensitive spirit I had in 2011 when I told the doc at the time I was abusing it and I needed off of it. This just made him think I was abusing klonopin too.


I take three mg of klonopin three times a day. That's it. I don't abuse it and it keeps a lot of my anxiety at bay. I just know the problem is gabapentin.


I don't do ethylphenidate anymore or any other research chemical bath salts I haven't smoked meth since December so I'm well back on my road to recovery with that. I just have the hardest time stopping the gabapentin that's the only drug I use that I can't seem to stop.