I'm Sorry

[sonicwhite]

800 four times a day is what I'm supposed to take but some days I take 3 400 mg of gabapentin so my stash is always more then I need. Then on the days I abuse it between 6.000 to 10.000 mg in on day.

 

[Mallaky]

Do you have any particular questions, anything concrete you'd like to ask? Any answers given so far you reject, which is fair, but for the life of me I can't figure out what you are hoping to find.

 

[sonicwhite]

No, I was banned for 72 hours and I was explaining why. Then everybody starts in on me.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry, but your OP ended with you explaining your addiction to prescrip meds and that you didn't know what to do. People are responding to your OP.

You know what - you go ahead and weigh it up. Life as it is now, v's doing what you can to get clean. No one is underestimating your anxiety. You have options. Your call.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have an addiction to something that most ppl don't even get high off of but it makes me euphoric.

No shit. Neuotin (gabapenten is the generic name) isnt a narcotic and its an anti-seizure medication that Im on (along with many diabetics) due to neuropathy. Lyrica is the same thing.

Im on 900 mg 3 times a day ( a high dose) and ive gone off of it due to a stupid forced mail order pharmacy through my insurence and i went through zero withdrawls. Nothing other than my leg feeling like its being burned with a hot iron and stabbed over and over (what neuopathy feels like along with a half way numb feeling...loss of some feeling) I didnt physically feel anything else.

When you first start it, it makes you sleep and, for me, that went away after a week and im taking a bit more now (1200 mg 3 times a day with my doctor's knowledge) and it doesnt feel like anything. I feel the same after as i did before other than my leg not burning and stabbing as much.

Im wondering how you are getting euphoria and withdrawls from this?

Klonopin is a benzo, that is addicting and can give you withdrawls. Are you certian you are are speaking of the correct med? I dont mean to question you but for someone on a high mg of gabapentin, im wondering how you feel a euphoria from it. It feels no different to me then it would feel taking tylenol.

Either way, I dont see anything to be sorry about but maybe i missed it. No appologies need to me personally.

 

[ladee]

Just one time, I would love for you to come on here, share, and then let us help. We are not 'getting on you', but you rarely like what we have to say. Our experiences are real, just as yours are. The possibility that you need to be hospitalized sounds very high right now, and has for awhile . Reading your posts , I get it that you are in distress. I won't apologize for us being human and not exactly getting what it is you need from us. I get it that you are scared, reluctant to give up you smokes and the drug, what I don't get is, why do you keep posting and asking questions if you get so angry when we reply.. You are responsible for how you are coming across to us. And I will give this forum credit, for trying to respond and be present every single time you post... guess we want to know what are YOU gong to do to help yourself... you have been given support, suggestions, validation, and our time... let us know what your plans are... we do care, whether you believe it or not... you must know that, you keep coming back, as we hope you do.. But we would like to be talked to with a little more respect for our own experiences.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Either way, I dont see anything to be sorry about but maybe i missed it. No appologies need to me personally.

Looking back, I didnt miss the thread 'a war we didnt start' that, to me, sounded like a drug induced rambling.

Thank you for appologizing...but:

I was explaining why. Then everybody starts in on me.

No one is "starting in on you" from how Im reading this. Everyone is asking:

what are YOU gong to do to help yourself.

This is a support forum, we can only support....we cant do the work for you.

AND, before you say "i know, I know"...no, since Ive seen you on here you are advising of "needing" these 2 drugs, a lot of what I call "addict babble" (I am a clean addict so I get that) and thats not meant to be disrespectful. Its meant to say you dont "need" these or any drugs. Unless prescribed by a doctor for a reason and even so, not abused when it is.

You have an addiction issue, go to rehab. Take yourself out of the game for a bit and go to detox and rehab and get yourself out of this "drug haze". You are self medicating and I dont know anyone on here that advocates that.

Dude, I am an addict, I do "get it" but if you cant kick it on your own, and you've proven you cant...which is totally ok, but then go somewhere that can help you with that.

I didnt read all the replies and im sure I agree with them all but i did read @Ragdoll Circus and @ladee replies and i fully agree with them both.

You are appologizing with a shit ton of excuses. Just my opinion.

 

[Weemie]

Pardon me for being very blunt, here, but you need to get yourself checked into a hospital, my friend. Having followed your posts for quite some time, I'm able to identify that you are struggling with, among other things, a lack of clear sequential lucidity. I imagine that drug use is exacerbating this, yes, but you need to get yourself looked after. Don't worry about analyzing it, or explaining it. Go to the ER. Today. Get checked in. They will help you to figure it out, and they will help you come down.

 

[Justmehere]

Please know this post comes from a place of caring deeply.

But I love the high so much I refuse to come off of it.

When you are high you regularly engage in behaviors that have consequences - like getting banned from a peer support forum. That's not the only example, there are many other consequences you have faced, but that event is the subject of this thread.

If I was to summarize your message to the forum on this thread in a few sentences, it would be this:

"I'm sorry I posted what I did. I did it because I was high. I refuse to stop getting high. I love getting high. Smoking and getting high is more important to me."

That's not actually an apology. And it's not an explaination either. It's an excuse and it's a crappy one. It's also passive aggressive to essentially send the message "I'm sorry but I refuse to stop."

No, I was banned for 72 hours and I was explaining why. Then everybody starts in on me.

Are you attempting an apology or an explaination behind the ban? Addiction can be an explaination, but it's not an excuse. When it is the cause of a behavior, there is a serious need to take responsibility and get help.

Instead, you are using your addiction and your "love" of getting high as an excuse to act out and damage relationships.

Keep doing what you are doing and you will get the same results and your addiction will keep impacting you and others, and more people will hold up more and more boundaries and say more things that you don't want to hear.

People here really care about you and that's why they are taking this time to point this out to you.

It's heartbreaking to see you so unwilling to get help and to continue to face continued consequences for it. You know how to get the help to stop. You can drag yourself to the ER or call the therapist and tell them to admit you to rehab. Not detox. That's just forced hell. Rehab is where they will help you get off and stay off, and they will teach you how to handle relapses.

You have made some important changes over the years, and that is so good, but it's not a reason to give up. I also don't think it's as simple as you simply love getting high. I think you are scared, anxious, at the end of yourself and want you desperately want relief.

Relief can be found, after you get sober. It's time to get more intensive help so these relapses are fewer and not so destructive and hard on you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"I'm sorry I posted what I did. I did it because I was high. I refuse to stop getting high. I love getting high. Smoking and getting high is more important to me."

That's not actually an apology. And it's not an explaination either. It's an excuse and it's a crappy one. It's also passive aggressive to essentially send the message "I'm sorry but I refuse to stop."

That is exactly what Im hearing too.

@sonicwhite, I remember cheering your soberity on when you didnt get drugs you bought off the internet in the mail. I and this entire forum has supported you, talked to you in low periods unjudging, continue to support you time and time again and it feels, to me, that you are slapping me (and the entire forum) in the face when you are basically stating 'this is the reason for the thread [which we already knew] and no, I wont come off of this because I like the feeling of getting high'....I LIKE THE FEELING OF GETTING HIGH TOO...BUT I became completely fed up with a substance controling me each time I became sober of the several addictions I have had and I have and am doing the very hard to work get to the other side of my trauma...un-numbed by addictions. I am not saying I am any better than you, Im saying that you wont do it until you are done and fed up with something, a substance (whatever that may be), controling you. All it takes is a call to the prescibing Dr, the pharmacy, a trip to the hospital (most if not all states have State funded programs...though not as good as a paid rehab, they do give you better coping skills...so no money is no excuse) and YOU have to take that step too. Buy some good books to learn better coping skill, or go to the library if you cant afford to buy books and take that initative to do "the work"...the hard work that we are all doing in our individual lives. You must learn those coping skills on your own rather inside a rehab or outside and trying to stay sober. Where you learn them doesnt matter.

If we didnt care about you, we would not bother to spend any time to post. But we cant make you care about you (and I mean really care) and so for that, Im laying it back in your lap to do whatever you decide, even if thats nothing. But I am done replying to your posts until I see you taking sone intrest to help yourself.

You must help yourself, no one else can do that for you. That is true with addictions and that is true with overcoming trauma.

 

[joeylittle]

Im wondering how you are getting euphoria and withdrawls from this?

Gabapentin is a very common street drug; when taken at doses of 3500mg or higher it induces a euphoric high.

Sometimes, google is your friend.

@sonicwhite - you were temp banned because you posted a rambling, semi-racist diatribe while clearly on some sort of substance. It's something that happens here - you're not the only one it's happened to, and you certainly won't be the last.

You can't have gotten PTSD off of a reaction to pot. It's specifically not allowed in a PTSD diagnosis.

I'll tell you what you can trigger, if you smoke high-THC cannabis and draw a very unlucky card: schizophrenia and its subtypes.

If I recall correctly, you were once diagnosed schizophrenic. Your old doctor passed away, and your new one changed the diagnosis. I could be remembering wrong, but that's what I remember.

I have absolutely no judgement on people with schizophrenia. It runs in my family. It's a complex illness, and they don't understand much, still, about how it works. But there have been numbers of studies - reliable ones - linking psychotropics (like high-THC cannabis, psyclo., mesc., etc) to the onset of schizophrenia.

You certainly experienced drug-induced psychosis. That's legit.

You definitely need a higher level of care than you are currently getting. It was so great to read about you getting out and working for that day, and feeling better. You can keep learning how to feel better. You can kick all the drugs. You can get your mental illness - no matter what it is - under control. You can do these things.

But if you are just going to keep lying to yourself - that you can't get off the Gaba, that kratom isn't addictive, that you are powerless in the mind of God - then nothing will change.

 

[joeylittle]

For one nobody not even my doctor can convince me I have PTSD. Even tho I go thru nightmares I have a high doubt that I do. Because i abuse gabapentin for its euphoria that it causes.

Are you aware that this doesn't make sense? PTSD isn't just nightmares, gaba addiction doesn't imitate PTSD...I'm not saying you have it or not, but at least understand that this doesn't make sense.

I have an addiction to something that most ppl don't even get high off of but it makes me euphoric.

It's quickly becoming one of the most popular abused drugs. Read it if you want: Dead Link Removed

So I don't know what to do. I'm not going to go thru cold turkey withdraws and I can't wean because it doesn't matter how many you give me I'm going to abuse it.

That's why you check yourself into rehab. You need to be medically managed while going through withdrawal. Let the doctors do their job.