Sufferer Hello Everyone Newbie Here

[prayingforpeace]

Hello to everyone,
If I've written anything that triggers another, I'm sorry in advance.
I've been diagnosed with CPTSD. I'm currently having a difficult time with flashbacks, panic attacks. I have so many triggers that sometimes I'm shocked.
I was born to young parents who were not ready to have kids. They were divorced after 3 years and neither really wanted me around. They were young and wanted to party. Both remarried and the real abuse began. My mom didn't like kids so she worked as much as possible anytime we'd (kids) be home. My abusive drunk step father was in the same house but passed out. I was molested by age 5 but only have vague memory of something happening. Home life was physical abuse, verbal abuse and raging. I was the scapegoat. I dealt with it just barely but had a difficult time growing up emotionally because there was no one to teach us. My first BF turned out to be AbUsive! He choked, hit, punched, cheated, etc. I thought that was the best I'd ever get. Same story of why the hell doesn't this girl leave?!? Eventually I got the nerve to say no more... after 7 years of abuse from him. My life began to change when I left him. I met my future husband who is so wonderful, I can never repay him for showing me unconditional love. It was not easy to transition though. I was so self-loathing that I tried to kill myself a few times. I picked fights with him and acted crazy. I guess I'm tougher than I always thought because I learned how to act like an adult in a healthy relationship eventually. My baggage doesn't stop there though. I went without a relationship with my family during the time I was healing with my husband and kids. Then one day my mother and step father (now sober) wanted back in my life. The control and manipulation went on for the next 18 years. I gave them a lot of money, did everything I could for them but it was never enough. I tried so hard to earn their love but that was never going to happen. I was called a selfish greedy bitch regularly so I only tried to do more and more. Last year my husband & I decided to move half the country away. Wow... it was "walking on eggshell" free. It rocked my world because I was far enough away to see the truth.. I began to see the lifelong abuse from my mother and the rest of my family. The pain was searing! I ended contact but the symptoms only grew.. my trauma symptoms. There is so much unsaid here about manipulation, more sexual type covert abuse, family hatred as scapegoat. I am trying to heal but it's so hard when I can go outside, hear a bird chirp... hear something on tv... have an invasive memory and I'm in total fear mode, shaking and feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack.
I'm very thankful for this site though! Thank you to everyone in advance. Your writings and posts help more people than you know. People like me who read, may not comment but who feel less alone.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome PfP, glad you're here.

 

[oasis2003]

Welcome:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[Lopezwhere'sthefire]

Welcome to the group

 

[intothelight]

@prayingforpeace Welcome to the forum! :)

I hope the information and support here help you find the peace you deserve.

 

[LanaD]

I learned how to act like an adult in a healthy relationship eventually.

How did you do that?

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. Glad your here.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[prayingforpeace]

How did you do that?

Hi LanaD,

*Most of my relationship issues were the result of zero self worth and years of domestic violence. Here's an example of one of my serious issues and how I eventually got past it.

I started changing when I began to question my thinking. For example, I was probably pathologically jealous after we got married. I had watched my own mother accuse my stepdad of being with every other woman in our town, so I'd believed early on that cheating and being hurt by men was "normal". I had been cheated on by my long term boyfriend as well. After I was married, my beliefs continued. He got tired of my shit early on, the accusations, picking fights. Then he started to see that the truth was... I was afraid! So terrified he was going to leave me. Instead of fighting me, he would just tell me he loved me and he wasn't leaving.

When I began to "freak out", he remind me that he loved me. This wasn't always easy and didn't always work but it was effective enough to help me to change over time. I think that his willingness to "talk me down" from that cliff so to speak helped me to understand that he really did care. For me, being shown that kind of unconditional love helped me to feel "safe". No doubt there were times where I just wanted to scream and wouldn't want to hear anything he had to say. And there were times when he got frustrated and screamed back. But, I began to feel less and less afraid. I watched how "healthy" people treated each other. I didn't want to be angry and afraid everyday. There was probably a bit of "fake it til you make it" going on also.

When I had to question my own thinking and be logical about the answers, I began to SLOWLY change the way I thought about life. I also realized that most of my beliefs were developed watching my own very sick mother. I've always wanted to be the opposite of my mother. Was always very conscious of how terrible of a mother/wife she was. I remember thinking, "well, if he cheats on me... I'll survive" and I reminded myself that he'd be paying child support and alimony if he hurt me so I wouldn't be out on the street. There have been times since then that I get suspicious but now I tell him how I'm feeling and we can talk about it. Somehow, it works.

If this kind of thing sounds familiar to anyone else, my advice would be this... Talk to your significant other about your fears and your pain and ask them to be willing to TRY to stay calm when you become afraid. Let that person know that during those moments of "freaking out" the one thing you need most is Love and understanding. Maybe help that person to understand that when we are "fighting" for our emotional survival, we are often really AFRAID of being abandoned or hurt! As we're accusing someone of cheating, we are afraid of abandonment. When we pick a fight about something illogical, we want them to "prove" that they love us and won't leave. If we think our significant other doesn't love us enough unless they get violently angry/jealous, we need to talk about that. It took 18 years of marriage to get where I am today and it was really hard for the first couple of years. For me, communication was key as well as having someone who truly loved me for the first time in my life.

 

[Approvalseek]

Then one day my mother and step father (now sober) wanted back in my life. The control and manipulation went on for the next 18 years. I gave them a lot of money, did everything I could for them but it was never enough. I tried so hard to earn their love but that was never going to happen. I was called a selfish greedy bitch regularly so I only tried to do more and more. Last year my husband & I decided to move half the country away. Wow... it was "walking on eggshell" free. It rocked my world because I was far enough away to see the truth.. I began to see the lifelong abuse from my mother and the rest of my family. The pain was searing!

Hey, wow, even just reading this rocked me a bit.
I can moderately relate to what you're saying.
Perhaps you've already realized your milestones so let me concur, I feel like you've taken a gigantic leap forward in your healing process. You've taken a step back from the situation and seeing it for what it is. That's powerful insight and not easily seen by many who have trauma. That fact that you see the manipulation and feel the "searing pain" speaks to progress, that alone is something to celebrate! *applause for strength*