Understanding Dissociation; A Healthy Relationship

[colobama]

I'm new to this site as of today and I just want to lay down some information and things that are on my mind since I now have an outlet. I have known since I was violated that something hasn't been right inside of me, but I did not see a therapist or anyone who suggested that I may have PTSD from the experience until recently. I've been in a committed relationship for 4 years now and I am still struggling with being comfortable during sex. Our relationship was originally mostly physical; as I got to know him and grew to love him, I began getting nervous or uncomfortable or unwilling to do some things we had previously done, and even apprehensive about sex in general. After some time, I thought it was my medication. Well after 2 years of changing medications around & not taking them as well, I still feel apprehensive. I have never talked to him about the sexual aspect of how I feel, the way I don't like when he touches me certain places because it takes me back to an entirely different situation. We have only discussed the mental day-to-day aspects. I didn't realize until Today & reading quite a bit on this site that I was even experiencing dissociation. But that's what it seems like from what I've read. My experience with it isn't one where I completely lose myself and surroundings. I've never dissociated that intensely. I keep my eyes squeezed shut the entire time, every time. I turn my face down or to the side so he doesn't have to see the faces I make. A lot of times (I've noticed recently), I will hold my breath and not even know I am doing it until he stops to ask if I'm okay. I say that I am fine, but I'm not. I don't remember much or any of the experience afterwards either. (Is this considered dissociation?) I hate all of this so much because I just want to be able to have sex with the man I love without cringing or squeezing my eyes closed or holding my breath until it's over. I don't want to shiver when he touches me somewhere, or moves a certain way with me. I want to enjoy sex again because I used to like it, but I mostly had meaningless sex with people I didn't stick with, whereas now I can barely "get through" or "deal with" having sex with the man I love. I don't have much of a specific point but if anyone has any idea on anything I can do to help this situation improve, say anything. Even if it doesn't pertain to my Situation, say anything you feel. This is my first post or thread or whatever you want to call it so I would really appreciate any feedback, any response, any advice or support

 

[The ANP]

Ditto. The struggle is real. Gentle hugs to you.

 

[Thizette]

Sex. Ugh. Therapy helped me deal with so much stuff, but I found that the most effective thing for sex was the right partner. In intimate relationships, I always disclosed my sex issue and how sometimes I'm tense because of flashbacks, or because I'm scared I will get flashbacks. This didn't make a lot of difference to how I felt. My ex-husband, for example, thought he could just tell me to relax and that would work. It doesn't. With my current partner, I feel completely safe and that makes a huge difference. I didn't just disclose that I was raped and that was it (which is usually how people handle it). He invited me to share what happened if I wanted to, and I did. I told him the whole story, down to what I was wearing. He expressed anger (at my rapist) and hurt and sadness and sympathy for me. I don't need to tell him the whole big story again, but the conversation went so well that it's easy for me to talk about how it affects me on a daily basis (not just sexually), and that makes a really big difference in the sex. A lot of time things on TV make me really uncomfortable, and I find that I can say, "That was really uncomfortable to watch because whatever whatever," and he lets me experience my emotions without trying to combat them. Or I can say, "This happened and I feel really vulnerable because rape," or "It's a bad PTSD day for me." Those things make sex easier, because I know he's understanding and supportive.

And we have a LOT of sex.

It continues to be surprising to me, because prior to this relationship I was starting to think that I was asexual. One of the problems with my ex-husband was sex. He wanted more and I never wanted it. I thought it was just me. Turns out, it was just him, haha.

My advice to you is to talk to your partner about what happened and how it affects you. If you aren't comfortable doing that, maybe he's not someone you should be having sex with. I hope that he is, though, everyone deserves a rich and fulfilling sex life.

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[colobama]

Sex. Ugh. Therapy helped me deal with so much stuff, but I found that the most effective thing for sex...

I really appreciate you sharing this. This site has done nothing but help since I've discovered it and I'm so glad that I have